Aloha

A Short Film

CHARACTERS

MAN 1, a man in his forties

MAN 2, a man in his forties

GERVASE, a man in his thirties 

SCENE 1. EXT. DAY. HAWAII.

BRIGHT WHITE SUNLIGHT SHINES UPON AN IDYLLIC PALM TREE GROVE.

IN THE CENTRE OF THE GROVE ARE TWO MEN RECLINING IN SUN CHAIRS. BOTH ARE DRESSED IN OUTRAGEOUSLY FLOWERY HAWAIIAN STYLE SHIRTS. THEY ALSO WEAR SHORTS AND SANDALS AND SUN HATS. BOTH CHAIRS ARE IDENTICAL EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT MAN 2 HAS A LARGE RED BUTTON ATTACHED TO THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR.

WE HEAR QUIET HAWAIIAN MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND – BLENDED WITH TROPICAL BIRDSONG, A WOODEN WIND CHIME AND THE FAINTEST HINT OF THE SEA LAPPING ON A DISTANT BEACH. BOTH MEN SEEM BLISSFULLY HAPPY. THEY ARE SMILING AND ENJOYING PARADISE.

PAUSE

AFTER A WHILE MAN 2 SITS UP IN HIS CHAIR AND IN A SLIGHTLY THEATRICAL WAY PUSHES THE BUTTON ON THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR. MAN 1 WATCHES HIM DO THIS AND IMMEDIATELY EXAMINES HIS OWN CHAIR, LOOKING DISAPPOINTED WHEN HE DISCOVERS THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE A BUTTON.

What’s that then?

What’s what?

That button on the arm of your chair?

It’s a button.

I know it’s a button but what does it do?

It rings a bell.

A bell?

Yes.

What bell?

The bell that summons my butler.

Your butler?

Yes.

Since when have you had a butler?

Since yesterday.

GERVASE, THE BUTLER ENTERS. HE WEARS A VERY BADLY CRUMPLED BLACK EVENING SUIT AND A BOW TIE THAT HE HASN’T TIED PROPERLY. HE LOOKS DISORIENTATED/ HUNG OVER.

Ah, Gervase!

(Mocking) Gervase?

GERVASE COMES FORWARD AND WAITS IN GORMLESS FASHION.

(To Gervase) Well?

What?

What do you say?

Say?

Yes, after I’ve pushed the button and you’ve come out, what do you say?

I don’t know.

You’ve forgotten haven’t you?

I’ve forgotten.

You say: ‘what would sir be requiring?’

(Mocking) What would sir be requiring?

Yea, right.

PAUSE

(To Gervase) Go on then.

What was it again?

‘What would Sir be requiring?’

(Woodenly) What would sir be requiring?

I’d like a drink.

GERVASE HEADS OFF IMMEDIATELY.

No, no, no wait a minute.

What?

You don’t know what type of drink I want, do you?

Oh no.

I’ll have my usual.

GERVASE LOOKS PERPLEXED.

What I had yesterday.

GERVASE STILL LOOKS PERPLEXED.

A Peking Sling.

(Mocking again) A Peking Sling?

Yea, right.

(To Gervase) No, no, no: ‘Yes, Sir.’

What?

Not ‘yea right’ – ‘Yes Sir.’

Yea, right.

GERVASE STAGGERS OFF.

LONG PAUSE.

GERVASE RE-APPEARS WITH THE  PEKING SLING. IT HAS PINK UMBRELLAS AND STRAWS IN IT, BUT IT IS IN A PINT GLASS.

That’s not the right glass, is it?

Isn’t it?

No. That’s a pint glass.

HE TURNS TO GO OFF AGAIN.

Just give it here.

MAN 2 TAKES IT AND SIPS IT AND WE CAN TELL FROM HIS FACE THAT IT IS QUITE GOOD. MAN 1 WATCHES CLOSELY. GERVASE HANGS AROUND.

(To Gervase) That will be all.

What?

I said, that will be all.

All what?

Just go away.

Yea, right.

EXIT GERVASE.

LONG PAUSE.

MAN 1 WATCHES HIM DRINK AND WE SEE HIM START TO LICK HIS LIPS.

Well?

Well what?

What’s it like?

Perfect.

It looks a bit sickly from here.

No, no, the great thing about the Peking Sling is that the sweetness is combated by a twist of lime.

A twist of lime?

That’s right.

LONG PAUSE

Let’s try it then?

I beg your pardon.

I said, let’s try it then?

Try what?

The Peking Fling.

Sling.

Whatever.

It’s not hygienic.

What do you mean, it’s not hygienic?

It’s not hygienic to share glasses.

But we’ve been sharing glasses for years.

I think it’s time we stopped.

Why?

Germs.

Germs?

Yes, the world is full of germs.

I haven’t got germs.

You don’t know that, do you?

I’m in the peak of health.

At the moment.

What do you mean, at the moment?

I mean at the moment you are, but you might be coming down with something.

I’m not coming down with something.

You don’t know that, do you?

Of course I know that.

If it’s all the same with you I’d rather you didn’t.

(Hurt) All right, fine.

MAN 1 PICKS UP A MAGAZINE AND OPENS IT IN A VERY DISGRUNTLED WAY. HE STARTS TO READ BUT REALISES THAT HE’S READING IT UPSIDE DOWN. HE GLANCES ACROSS AT MAN 2 WHO IS NOT WATCHING AND QUICKLY TURNS IT ROUND THE RIGHT WAY. MAN 2 CONTINUES ENJOYING HIS DRINK.

LONG PAUSE.

MAN 2 PRESSES THE BUTTON AGAIN AND GERVASE APPEARS. MAN 2 WHISPERS SOMETHING IN GERVASE’S EAR AND HE GOES OFF AND RETURNS WITH A LARGE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT CASE. MAN 2 OPENS THE BOX AND TAKES OUT A VERY SMALL UKULELE.

Thank you Gervase.

No problemo.

No, no, no, when I say: ‘thank you Gervase’ you say:

Errm….

You say: ‘My pleasure, Sir.’

Yea, right.

PAUSE

Go on then.

(Woodenly) My pleasure, Sir.

MAN 2 SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DESPAIR.

MAN 1 IS WATCHING OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS MAGAZINE.

GERVASE WITHDRAWS. MAN 2 STARTS TO PLAY THE UKULELE BADLY. AT FIRST MAN 1 IGNORES HIM BUT EVENTUALLY HE CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE.

Do you mind?

What?

I said, do you mind?

Do I mind what?

Do you mind not playing that ridiculous thing?

Do I mind not playing it?

Yes.

Yes, I do mind not playing it actually.

Yes, well I mind you playing it – so can you stop.

But, I’m enjoying myself.

Yes, but I’m not enjoying myself.

We’re at a bit of an impasse then, aren’t we?

MAN 2 PLAYS ON.

MAN 1 PUTS DOWN HIS MAGAZINE AND GOES OVER TO MAN 2 AND TAKES THE UKULELE FROM HIM. HOLDING IT BY THE FRET BOARD HE SWINGS IT ROUND HIS HEAD AND LETS GO OF IT AND IT GOES FLYING OFF INTO THE TREES. MAN 1 THEN RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR AND RE-COMMENCES READING HIS MAGAZINE. MAN 2 LOOKS ON PASSIVELY.

AFTER A MOMENT MAN 2 PUSHES HIS BUTTON AGAIN AND GERVASE APPEARS AGAIN. MAN 2 WHISPERS SOMETHING TO HIM AND GERVASE GOES OFF AND RETURNS WITH A LARGE HAWAIIAN GUITAR GARLANDED WITH FLOWERS. HE HANDS IT TO MAN 2.

Thank you Gervase.

PAUSE

(Louder) I said, thank you Gervase.

Yes, I heard you.

(Even louder) No, I said, thank you Gervase.

Oh shit, I forgot, didn’t I?

Yes, you did.

Don’t worry, I’ll get it next time.

GERVASE WITHDRAWS. MAN 2 COMMENCES TO STRUM MAKING ANOTHER NASTY NOISE. MAN 1 IMMEDIATELY PUTS DOWN HIS MAGAZINE, GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND GOES OVER AND GRABS THE GUITAR FROM MAN 2. HE PLACES THE GUITAR ON THE GROUND AND THEN PUTS HIS FOOT RIGHT THROUGH THE SOUND BOX. HE THEN HANDS THE GUITAR BACK TO MAN 2 AND RETURNS TO HIS SEAT.

That wasn’t very nice, was it?

MAN 2 IMMEDIATELY PUSHES HIS BUTTON AGAIN AND GERVASE APPEARS AGAIN. GERVASE IS NOW LOOKING QUITE EXHAUSTED WITH ALL THE WORK. MAN 2 AGAIN WHISPERS SOMETHING TO GERVASE AND HE GOES OFF AND COMES BACK WITH A TRUMPET.

My pleasure sir.

No, no, no you only say: ‘My pleasure sir’ after I’ve said: ‘thank you Gervase’.

After?

Yes.

Not before?

Not before.

It’s complicated, isn’t it?

Not really, no.

GERVASE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND THEN WITHDRAWS. MAN 2 IMMEDIATELY BLOWS SOME APPALLING NOTES IN THE DIRECTION OF MAN 1. MAN 1 GETS OUT OF CHAIRS – GOES OVER TO MAN 2 AND SNATCHES THE TRUMPET OFF HIM. HE TRIES TO BREAK THE TRUMPET OVER HIS KNEE…

Ffffff…

…. BUT ONLY SUCCEEDS IN SERIOUSLY HURTING HIMSELF. MAN 2 LAUGHS AT THIS.

MAN 1 IS INFURIATED BY THE LAUGHTER OF MAN 2. HE GIVES THE TRUMPET BACK TO MAN 2 AND GOES OFF SET. HE RETURNS WITH SLEDGEHAMMER. HE TAKES THE TRUMPET BACK FROM MAN 2 AND PUTS IT ON THE GROUND AND THEN HITS IT WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER - SQUASHING IT FLAT. HE THEN GIVES THE TRUMPET BACK TO MAN 2 AND RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR AND MAGAZINE.

That wasn’t very nice either, was it?

LONG PAUSE. MAN 2 STUDIES HIS FLATTENED TRUMPET. EVENTUALLY HE PUSHES BUTTON AND GERVASE APPEARS. GERVASE IS EVEN MORE TIRED NOW. HE WHISPERS SOMETHING TO HIM AND GERVASE RETURNS, VERY WEARILY, WITH A LARGE BOX OF EXPENSIVE CHOCOLATES. THE BOX HAS A RIBBON ROUND IT. GERVASE HANDS THEM TO MAN 2.

Thank you Gervase.

No problemo.

MAN 2 BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS.

Go away.

Yea, right.

GERVASE LEAVES.

PAUSE. MAN 2 COUGHS TRYING TO GET MAN 1’S ATTENTION BUT MAN 1 READS ON, IGNORING HIM. MAN 2 COUGHS AGAIN. MAN 1 GOES ON READING. MAN 2 COUGHS A THIRD TIME.

What?

I was just wondering whether you’d like a chocolate?

What?

I was just wondering whether you’d like a chocolate?

A chocolate?

Yes.

Is that supposed to be a joke?

No, I’m offering you a chocolate.

You’re offering me a chocolate?

Yes.

Why?

Well because I want to put an end to all this hostility.

Really?

It’s getting out of hand, isn’t it?

Really?

I want to make up.

Make up?

Yes.

But I’ve just flattened your trumpet with a sledgehammer.

Well, these things happen don’t they?

Not often, no.

I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Yes.

Why?

Well because, at the end of the day, our friendship is more important than a flattened trumpet, isn’t it?

Is it?

Of course it is. So, that’s why I’m offering you a chocolate.

LONG PAUSE

OK, I accept.

Good for you.

PAUSE

Well?

Well what?

Well, come and get one then.

MAN 1 GETS UP FROM CHAIR AND GOES OVER TO MAN 2. MAN 2 REMAINS SEATED. MAN 2 STYLISHLY REMOVES THE RIBBON AND OPENS THE BOX TO REVEAL A SELECTION OF BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATES.

Beautiful chocolates.

Aren’t they?

Hand made?

Of course.

(Eyeing them up) Tricky decision.

Isn’t it?

MAN 1 CAN’T MAKE UP HIS MIND.

Don’t forget the bottom layer.

There’s a bottom layer?

Oh yes.

MAN 1 REMOVES TOP LAYER TO REVEAL BOTTOM LAYER WHICH HAS NO CHOCOLATES BUT ONLY A POCKET SIZED REVOLVER.

Wow, a chocolate gun!

No.

What do you mean no?

I mean, it’s not a chocolate gun.

It’s not a chocolate gun?

No.

What is it then?

It’s a real gun.

A real gun?

Yes.

What’s a real gun doing in a box of chocolates?

I thought you’d never ask.

PAUSE

Well?

Well what?

What’s a real gun doing in a box of chocolates?

It’s to shoot you with it.

MAN 1 LAUGHS THINKING HE’S JOKING.

For a moment there I thought you were being serious.

Did you?

Yes.

I was being serious.

MAN 2 TAKES THE REVOLVER OUT OF THE BOX – PUTS IT TO MAN 1’S FOREHEAD. MAN 1 SUDDENLY REALISES THAT HE IS GOING TO BE SHOT BUT IT’S TOO LATE FOR HIM TO DO ANYTHING. MAN 2 FIRES THE GUN. MAN 1 FALLS TO THE GROUND. MAN 2 PUTS THE REVOLVER BACK IN THE BOX AND CLOSES THE BOX.

MAN 2 SETTLES HIMSELF BACK INTO HIS CHAIR AND RECLINES – ENJOYING THE SUN.

CLOSE UP OF MAN 1 LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH A TINY BLACK HOLE IN HIS FOREHEAD, TRICKLING BLOOD.

THE MUSIC BECOMES LOUDER AGAIN AND ALSO THE BIRDSONG, THE WIND CHIME, THE DISTANT LAPPING SOUND OF THE WAVES, AS AT THE START.

THE END