(Untitled, but short!) (v2)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

(Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Feb 29, 2020 2:31 pm

.
v2
Unsung

I wonder are they there
on some parallel road
where it hasn't rained,
thirsting and footsore
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen?



___________



I wonder if they are there,
on some parallel road
where it hasn't rained,
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen.


.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1286
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by Jackie » Sat Feb 29, 2020 9:08 pm

Intriguing, Not. I wonder why you decided not to give it a title. Without one, I guess I’ll head for a parallel universe where “they” hear what’s in ours. I haven’t figured out yet how to get lost in your own tongue, though.

Jackie

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6200
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by Macavity » Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:19 am

lost in their own tongue
Like the insularity of that.

Title options: Distance; No Bridges.

Some verb options:
I wonder if they stroll,
on some parallel road
where there's no rainfall,
lost in their own tongue
listening to the music
of what didn't happen.
Like this Not.

cheers

mac


User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2344
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by Firebird » Sun Mar 01, 2020 10:24 am

Hi Not,

I quite like it as it is. Think I’d prefer it a little more though if to had another element to build on what’s there, but without increasing the poem’s length. There’s a challenge.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:55 am

.
Hi Jackie, Mac, Tristan,
thanks for the read and responses.

Jackie, the lack of title wasn't deliberate, just could find one. I'm thinking, given Tristan's challenge (thanks Tristan!) of adding another element, but not increasing the length, that the title's the key. Dithering over 'Unsung'. (You're close in you're interpretation though, except they don't hear x, in their universe it didn't/doesn't happen there.)

Mac, thanks for title suggestions (vacillating as usual). Glad the 'insularity' appealed :)

Tristan, if the other element were the title, and the title were 'Unsung' would that do it? :)
(If you're lost in you own tongue, maybe you can't find the words (so are silent)? Or not :) )


Regards all, Not


.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2344
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by Firebird » Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:16 pm

Hi Not,

The title could be another element but ‘Unsung’ doesn’t really add anything for me, but I’d wait and see what others think.

I can understand what you mean by ‘being lost in your own tongue’ (it could mean many things: lost/trapped in your own language, thoughts, words, culture), but I do find the rest of the poem a bit vague. I’d be happy for you to explain it though, and prove me wrong. I wanted an extra element to somehow ground the poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:17 pm

.
- revised, under supervision -

.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2344
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by Firebird » Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:50 pm

It’s a big improvement, I think.

I still think a little help from Heaney would go a long way. A quote could give some context. Or maybe it’s not needed. Let see if anyone picks up on the intertextuality. I didn’t, but I think it’s a bit easier now.

Cheers,

Tristan

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1286
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by Jackie » Mon Mar 02, 2020 5:45 am

Not, my understanding of Unsung is that something ought to be sung. The direct question in line 1 is more involved in their cause, and "thirsting and footsore" altogether more sympathetic.

You seem to be championing the cause of these people, who are perhaps refugees; unlanded emigrants?

Jackie

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Mar 02, 2020 12:42 pm

Firebird wrote:
Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:50 pm
Let see if anyone picks up on the intertextuality
Yes, there's no rush. And thanks for sticking with this one.

Regards, Not

.

bjondon
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by bjondon » Tue Mar 03, 2020 2:51 pm

Removing the 'if' from L1 makes it stronger, less speculative.
Adding the footsore and thirsty line introduces an element of
pathos which for me diminishes the mystery and potential
of this - 'what didn't happen' carries an ominous weight, a sense of
some great disaster that might (easily?) have been avoided - It's
the contrast between that and the question of whether or not
it happened to rain on one patch of road that lifts this for me.

Heaney? Give us a clue (and possibly ignore all of the above).

Jules

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Mar 03, 2020 3:31 pm

.
Hi Jules,
thanks for the read.

Ok, since you (and everyone else) asked,
here
https://www.ibiblio.org/ipa/poems/heaney/song.php

Let the derision begin ... :)

Regards, Not.


.

bjondon
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by bjondon » Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:10 pm

That certainly complicates matters.
But not as pointlessly as I was expecting!
A new Heaney (for me) - the advantages of ignorance :)
Thank you
J

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:25 pm

.
Hi Jules,
you're welcome.

That certainly complicates matters.
- In a good way?
But not as pointlessly as I was expecting!
- a plus! Though enigmati.
A new Heaney (for me) - the advantages of ignorance :)
It's my only advantage.

Regards, Not

.

bjondon
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by bjondon » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:26 pm

Hi Not,
I'm still not sure of your intention, what it is 'they' don't hear.
For me Heaney's poem seems to include the voice of the unsung.
That phrase 'the music of what happens' apparently comes from a medieval text, one of the Fionn mac Cumhaill stories, so it need not lead directly to his poem.

Jules

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2205
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Mar 06, 2020 12:57 pm

.
Hi Jules,
thanks for returning.
As someone (I forget who) once said
bjondon wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:44 pm
Explaining a poem is I suppose an admission of failure
:)

Regards, Not


.

Post Reply