Missing the last bus

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Macavity
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Missing the last bus

Post by Macavity » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:45 pm

revised

Seemingly lost in limbo, an angel
falls beneath his rusty halo. A hearse
kerb crawls close by. All know that driver's fare
is far too high. Humming a hymn, with jug
of special brew, a wave of wings unveils
a view. Spinning his coin, his winning grin,
meandering with hope for many a mile.

=======================================================================================

original

A hearse curb crawls close by,
we know that driver's fare is far too high.
Seemingly lost in limbo,
an angel falls beneath his rusty halo.

Humming a hymn, a jug of special brew,
a wave of wings unveils a view.
Spinning his coin, his winning smile,
we drift with hope for many a quiet mile.
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.

oranggunung
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Re: Missing the last bus

Post by oranggunung » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:34 pm

Hi Mac

I’m not a fan of this in its current state. The structure seems rather clunky. I’m having a big problem maintaining a rhythm through the poem.

In addition, I think structure might be eclipsing content. There are some interesting images, but I find S2 difficult to follow.

I’m guessing this is an experimental departure


og

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Re: Missing the last bus

Post by John G » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:03 am

Really like the first two lines..
A hearse curb crawls close by,
we know that driver's fare is far too high.
and is the rest about a drunk angel? That would be great poem in its own right.

As for the structure, I'm personally not a great fan of poems that rhyme - simply because it often seems that words are picked for that reason alone rather than what they can add to the poem. So, not a massive fan of the smile / mile couplet.
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Re: Missing the last bus

Post by KevJ » Wed Jun 05, 2013 5:28 pm

Well I quite like this Mac. But then I'm a sucker for a good rhyme. Think the rhythm might be better served by losing the word quiet from the last couplet though.
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Macavity
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Re: To rhyme or not to rhyme that is the question

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:12 pm

Thanks Og, John, and Kev.

I think 'experimental' is probably kind.

Will attempt to improve...

all the best

mac

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Re: Missing the last bus

Post by EatMyPoetry » Thu Jun 06, 2013 6:25 am

I really like the second verse. The sense of aimless wandering the long distance home is something I'm very familiar with [in fact I did it last night!], so it struck something inside me.

I'm not keen on the first verse. There's something that doesn't quite hammer home the point of the poem. I'm a fan of vagueness, but this part is maybe a bit too vague. It leaves me wondering what you are trying to say. It could be that I simply don't understand the first verse, so maybe it's my problem more than yours.

Definitely worth the read though. Look forward to any amendments.

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Re: Missing the last bus

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 06, 2013 6:57 pm

The sense of aimless wandering the long distance home is something I'm very familiar with [in fact I did it last night!], so it struck something inside me.
A fallen angel? :) Shuffled the cards.

cheers

mac

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