Jesus and the Pie.
I needed something to eat, and like any good Scotsman the first thing that came into my mind was Pie.
Hot or cold, I don’t mind. As I crossed the road towards the bakers, I couldn’t help but notice the two bunneted [one green tweed, the other lightly checked] gentlemen perched on top of a rather shaky looking scaffold erected outside the vast ornate door of a nearby church.
The two shaky gentlemen on the shaky scaffold were attempting to hang a large banner above the entrance to the house of the Lord.
‘JESUS HAS RISEN ‘ proclaimed the banner, sadly the two bunneted chaps trying to display this joyful news were not having the same luck.
I had to stop and watch, curious, I even felt tempted to offer advice, the pie meanwhile had been put on the backburner.
‘ Hold it there’ cried green Tweedy, as he tried to whack in a nail.
The wind had now gotten up and was giving the bunnets a terrible time of it,
‘Hold it’ Tweedy,
‘I’m trying ‘ Checked
‘For Gods sake ‘ Tweedy, getting redder in the face,
‘Language George ‘ cautioned Checky holding onto the writhing banner for dear life.
The lords message was moving in mysterious ways, I watched as the banner was blown to the left, then to the right, then up, then down, then it somehow managed to wrap itself around Tweedy’s neck, who proceeded to wrestle with it like it was a giant anaconda, Tweedy eventually, after a titanic struggle, managed to free himself from the deadly snakelike clutches of the banner, Checky, meanwhile, was hanging on to the rocking scaffold as Tweedy fought desperately for his life.
Now you would think that two gentlemen wearing bunnets would have no more trouble with a simple banner? How wrong you would be.
The ferocious banner had now somehow wrapped itself around Checky’s legs,
‘It’s got me George!’ he cried trying desperately to kick off the swirling banner.
The wind got up again causing the banner to twist and turn madly and with what sounded like a whip cracking it managed to flick Tweedy’s bunnet off his rather bald dome, Tweedy let go of his end of the banner in a vain attempt at catching his falling noggin’-warmer, this resulted in the banner, again with another cracking sound, whipping ‘round and knocking off lightly Checked’s bunnet.
‘Oh for Christ’s sake!’ cried Tweedy-less.
Now by this time a little crowd had formed to enjoy the spectacle, a rather polite crowd as it turned out, four or five people with the smallest at the front so that everyone had a clear view.
Tweedy, sensing the audience behind them, took control of the situation,
‘ Right Boab, just hold it there,’ he reached into his right pocket and took out a hammer, the men in the polite crowd politely nodded their approval, the smarter women in the polite crowd raised an eyebrow, from his left pocket he fumbled about and eventually produced a large nail which he popped into his mouth, a small lady with raised eyebrow raised it even further when she saw the nail,
‘God help us, nails and Jesus? That’s a bad, bad combination if ever there was!’
‘ Just hold it there Boab’ he took the nail from his mouth, he carefully positioned it, the crowd crept a little closer, they held their breath, he took a few practice swings, like a golfer on the first tee, One, Two, Three, BASH!
‘Ya bastard ye!’
In golfing terms you would have described it as a fresh air shot, he’d managed to completely miss the nail but he had whacked his thumb 167 yards.
The crowd winced, Boab sniggered,
‘You ok George?’
George had his thumb deep in his mouth sucking it,
‘’ Course I am’ he said removing his thumb, he gingerly reached into his pocket and brought out another nail, the crowd shook their heads and looked at each other, eyebrows were raised all ‘round, George grabbed his end of the banner angrily, One, swing, Two, swing, Three, swing, Wallop!
‘Ya Fuckin’ Bastard Ye!’
The hammer bounced off George’s thumb and seemed to fly in slow motion through the air, Boab turned his head and watched as it sailed backwards over George’s shoulder, meanwhile George’s face contorted in agony, the crowd watched as the hammer appeared to sprout angel’s wings as it flew gracefully ten feet through the air before suddenly losing height and decapitating a statue of John the Baptist that sat on a small marble plinth just to the left of the church door.
The crowd drew in a sharp breath of air, some shook their heads, an elderly lady at the front (of course she was small! ) blessed herself,
‘Holy mother of God! ‘she said through clenched teeth.
George and Boab looked nervously at each other, George put his thumb back in to his mouth, he was making little whimpering noises.
‘ Araldite it? ‘suggested a tall man (front).
‘ Araldite’ll just dissolve when it rains’ piped up a small (yes front! ) man in the crowd.
I left this debacle with various words of wisdom from the crowd, who all now seemed to know each other? The scaffold was shaking, George with his throbbing thumb in his mouth and Boab hanging on tightly, as I turned away there was a loud crash behind me, the crowd gave out a tall and a short scream, someone shouted to get an ambulance, I did not look back, I made my way to the bakers shop to the sound of George’s piercing yelp.
I entered the bakers, a female was serving, I don’t know about you but I always have trouble asking a female in a bakers if she has a hot pie, I must be some kind of weirdo?
An elderly lady with a shopping trolley was getting her order,
‘ Aye it’s murder these days luv, wi’ this recession on, when you’re a poor pensioner and you just cannae afford life’s wee pleasures, aye that’s right, 3 yums-yums, 2 of yer empire biscuits, none o’ that German biscuit shite for me, a wee snowball, 1 of those luxury vanilla slices there, and could I have 6 of your well fired rolls ?’
I could see that there were plenty of pies left in the keep- warm oven, they looked nice, still a bit of moisture in them, nothing worse than a bone dry pie?
I watched the assistant, her black hair pulled back tight, caused her to have that ‘caught in the headlights look’, her thick black rimmed glasses adding to her intense appearance, she looked like a Dominatrix!
The till rang and the old girl put her goodies away, when I say she put them away, she did eventually, after carefully re-arranging the yum-yums on top of the empire biscuits, which, she put on top of the luxury vanilla slice, which was placed on top of the 6 well fired rolls, oh aye? The wee snowball? That went in last of all so as not to get crushed!
All the while I kept thinking about that hot pie, I could feel myself starting to get twitchy, I looked at the Dominatrix behind the counter,
‘ You’re wanting my hot pie laddie’ I could have sworn she had looked me straight in the eye and said those very words,
‘ Right that’s me,’ said the old girl putting the lid down on the bulging trolley, she opened her handbag and rifled through it,
‘ What have I done with that purse?’ she was getting into a state, the Dom looked at me and smiled, I tried to smile back, I could only muster a nervy twitch,
‘ Ach I know where it is, I’ve left it in the bottom of ma trolley’
Outside an ambulance screamed by, blue light flashing and siren blaring, it came to a halt close by, the old girl took out the snowball, the 6 well fired rolls, just reverse the earlier process?
‘ There you are ya wee bugger ‘ she paid for her shopping and I opened the door for her,
‘ Thanks son, oh look, there’s been an accident’ she said leaving,
I approached the counter, be cool, keep the heid, the Dom looked me right in the eye,
‘ What would you like? ‘
My knees were going, I could feel myself shaking, come on!
‘ Have you got a hawk-eye?’
Jesus Christ man, get a grip! Legs shaking, starting to laugh, head spinning, spine turning to hot custard, giggling like a little girl,
‘ Have you got a….a….hot..hooooot…sausage roll please?’ Breathing easier now, wipe top lip. The assistant opened the oven, she had a look inside, and she turned ‘round,
‘ Sorry luv, I’ve nae sausage rolls left, I’ve got a nice hot pie though?’
I felt my legs buckle, dizzy, I laughed, short, sharp, like a mad –man, I was falling forward, I put my hands out to save me,
‘Ahhhhh!’ right on to the burning hot oven, I looked up at the assistant, rubbing my sore hands, I made for the door,
‘ It’s a’right, I’m no hungry’
‘ What about my pie, it’s nice and juicy’
I heard her call as I made my getaway.
Outside I began to blow on my still burning hands, as I passed the church I saw the ambulance crew attending to the bunnets, the small and tall polite crowd had disbanded, a priest was leaning over George and was comforting him, the banner lay wrapped around various bits of scaffold, Boab had a bandage around his right arm, he was sitting holding John the Baptists head.
And us? Well we are all doomed, because Jesus would not be rising for at least another six weeks.