Eine Welke by Rilke

[pseud]

A Withering

Light, how after her death
she wears the gloves, the cloth.
A scent out of her dresser
buried that lovely odor,

from which she recognized herself.
Now she does not ask what
she is (: a distant relative)
and travels about in thought

and worries about the fearful chamber
that she conserves and orders
because it perhaps, as ever,
contains that same girl



Eine Welke

Leicht, wie nach ihrem Tode
trägt sie die Handschuh, das Tuch.
Ein Duft aus ihrer Kommode
verdrängte den lieben Geruch,

an dem sie sich früher erkannte.
Jetzt fragte sie lange nicht, wer,
sie sei (: eine ferne Verwandte),
und geht in Gedanken umher

und sorgt für ein ängstliches Zimmer,
das sie ordnet und schont,
weil es vielleicht noch immer
dasselbe Mädchen bewohnt.

R.M. Rilke, 1908

[David]

Blimey, my German's rusty. I thought eine Welke was a cloud, but that's eine Wolke, isn't it. Isn't it?

Anyway, so far as I can tell, which as you can see from the above is probably not very well, this seems very nice, p. There are maybe a few words I would have translated differently, but that's the joy of translation. It seems like an organic poem in English, which is no small praise.

Have you had a go at any of the Orpheus sonnets? I did, a while ago. I got a severe migraine for my troubles.

Cheers

David

P.S. Nitpicking disagreements on request. Otherwise, carry on.

[dedalus]

This is a sensitive and excellent translation, very true to the original. I had no idea you were a German scholar, Davey!! Can I make one wee suggestion re S3? Hope you don't mind ....

und sorgt für ein ängstliches Zimmer, ......... and cares for a frightening room
das sie ordnet und schont,....................... that she arranges and cleans,
weil es vielleicht noch immer.................... for perhaps even now
dasselbe Mädchen bewohnt...................... it houses the same girl.

It's a very slight change in tone suggesting a bit more emphatically that "she" was (earlier) that same girl.

I'm certainly not putting this forward as anything "better" from the point of view of translation -- in fact it isn't in terms of language -- but as a alteration in emphasis.

Your translations of S1 and S2 could not be bettered, in my (not always) humble opinion. Kudos!!

Cheers, Bren
(well I DID live in Germany for 8 years)

[David]

For the avoidance of any doubt, Bren, this is Caleb's (pseud's) translation, and I agree with you - a pretty good one too.

I have a bit of the old German at me, though, and you've inspired me to have another look at this as well.

If you're interested, my misconceived bash at Wolle die Wandlung is here - viewtopic.php?f=27&t=8335 - I'm happy with about half of it, and that might be an overestimate.

[dedalus]

Would you like to do a collaboration? That could be ... emm ... Hegelian.

No, seriously
Bren

[pseud]

I'd gladly take you up on it Bren, ...after a good 13 months of serious deliberation. haha

There's really no getting around Zimmer as room, I think I chose chamber for the similar sounds with orders and ever; I don't think there is a (decent) way to make this poem rhyme like the original. I also like "arranges" instead of conserves - schont is more like prettify, but ... yeah, that won't work.

Thank you all for comments, seriously. I truly forgot that I had posted this. Helpful critique as always.

Caleb

[Bombadil]

You bastard. You picked up German without me. Although, wait...did I tell you to do that? No, I probably told you to shoot for French--better chick prospects there.

But damn I love Rilke. And Goethe.

You little fucker. I love you, but I'm gonna have to pound on you just a little bit.


Oh. Well done by the way.

Cheers,

Keith