Man About Town v2

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NotQuiteSure
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Man About Town v2

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:55 pm

.
v2
Man About Town


As if a soufflé collapsed
then put on a suit
but couldn't quite get itself dressed.

Piss holes in a snowman
flabby and ashen
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.

He's rarely coherent
(been sampling the product's
the rumour that's doing the rounds),

shambling over
he makes me an offer
like we were both men about town.

He says he's got something
that's cool, just cooked
and maybe I fancy a taste?

But I'm not inclined,
which he says is "fine,
cos stuff like this won't go to waste."

He slips me their card
"remember, call Dom
when you feel like you need some Mistakes."


______________




Man About Town


As if a soufflé collapsed
then put on a suit
but couldn't quite get itself dressed.

Piss holes in a snowman
flabby and ashen
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.

He's rarely coherent
(been sampling the product's
the rumour that's doing the rounds)

comes waffling over
to make me an offer
like we are two men about town.

He says he's got something
that's cool, freshly cooked
and maybe I fancy a taste?

I demur, decline
"still water is fine
and this isn't the time. Or the place."

So he slips me their card
"remember, call Dom
when you feel like you need a Mistake."



________________________

Tweaks
l.4-5, were Sunken eyes scream 'Piggy!' / his pallor's unhealthy,
L.9, changed going around to doing the rounds
l.10, changed galumphing to breezing, then to waffling.
L.12, changed we were both to we are two
L.14, changed that's new, freshly brewed
L.16, changed politely to demur
L.17-8, added speech marks
L.20, changed and says "you just to "remember
L.21, changed some to a.




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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sat Aug 01, 2020 10:45 am, edited 13 times in total.

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lotus
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Re: Man About Town

Post by lotus » Thu Jul 02, 2020 7:26 pm

dear Not

a very fine opening stanza
and delightful the very very last line

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

BCNYC2016
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Re: Man About Town

Post by BCNYC2016 » Fri Jul 03, 2020 4:16 am

Really do like that last stanza best! Perfectly written!
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:55 pm
.

So he slips me their card
and says "you just call Dom
when you feel like you need some 'Mistakes'."



.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Man About Town

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:17 am

.
Hi Lotus,
thank you very, very much.
Delighted to delight.

Hi BC,
glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the read.

Regards both, Not


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Firebird
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Re: Man About Town

Post by Firebird » Fri Jul 03, 2020 6:14 pm

I enjoyed your tribute to Boris and especially that first stanza. Not sure I get the ending. (Just got it. Think I was reaching for something more difficult. Still, it’s a nice ending.) Some specific comments below.

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:55 pm
.
Man About Town


As if a soufflé collapsed
then put on a suit
but couldn't quite get itself dressed.

Piss holes in a snowman (that’s prefect)
flabby and ashen,
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.

He's rarely coherent
(been sampling the product's
the rumour that's going around) (Why not italicise these lines to denote they are Boris’ incoherent speech, assuming they are?)

comes breezing over
to make me an offer
like we were both men about town.

He's says he's got something (typo I think ‘He says’)
that's new, freshly brewed
and maybe I fancy a taste?

I politely decline,
still water is fine (I love the still water image. Sober, clear, down to earth and transparent - excellent image and the opposite to Boris)
and this is isn't the time. Or the place. (Typo again: ‘is isnt’)

So he slips me their card
and says "you just call Dom
when you feel like you need some 'Mistakes'."



________________________

Tweaked
l.4-5, were Sunken eyes scream 'Piggy!' / his pallor's unhealthy,
l.10, changed galumphing to breezing



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NotQuiteSure
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Re: Man About Town

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Jul 04, 2020 10:22 am

.
Hi Tristan
thanks for the (proof) read. Typos corrected.
Glad the 'snowman' line works, rather pleased with that one :)

Regards, Not

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Macavity
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Re: Man About Town

Post by Macavity » Mon Jul 06, 2020 3:57 pm

Like it Not, inventive and entertaining.

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:55 pm
.
Man About Town


As if a soufflé collapsed.........................effective opening grab
then put on a suit
but couldn't quite get itself dressed.

Piss holes in a snowman
flabby and ashen,
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.....rather disconnects from the previous seasonal image

He's rarely coherent
(been sampling the product's
the rumour that's going around)

comes breezing over
to make me an offer
like we were both men about town...would you consider a more Etonian chaps

He says he's got something
that's new, freshly brewed.......would you consider homemade
and maybe I fancy a taste?

I politely decline,
still water is fine
and this isn't the time. Or the place.......venue an option?

So he slips me their card
and says "you just call Dom
when you feel like you need some 'Mistakes'."



________________________

Tweaked
l.4-5, were Sunken eyes scream 'Piggy!' / his pallor's unhealthy,
l.10, changed galumphing to breezing



.
cheers

mac

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Re: Man About Town

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Jul 07, 2020 9:20 am

Hi Not,

I enjoyed this character sketch, in a similar way to how I enjoy the Kinks song Dedicated Follower of Fashion, though somehow enjoyed it less when I realised it was Boris (based on comments in the thread). Reading it again in hindsight, I see plenty of Boris-like details in the first 3 verses. Not so much after that, but maybe it's just because I'm missing some specific references to things Boris has said/done.


Man About Town


As if a soufflé collapsed [I like the surreal image, but maybe such a dramatic opening that it feels a bit showy. Move verse later?]
then put on a suit
but couldn't quite get itself dressed.

Piss holes in a snowman
flabby and ashen,
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.

He's rarely coherent [How about this verse first? Subtler beginning. Not that Boris himself is subtle, I know]
(been sampling the product's
the rumour that's going around)

comes breezing over
to make me an offer [anything more active/interesting than make me an offer?]
like we were both men about town.

He says he's got something
that's new, freshly brewed
and maybe I fancy a taste?

I politely decline,
still water is fine
and this isn't the time. Or the place. [Nice, but no need for the full stop/separate sentence. A comma would fit better, I think]

So he slips me their card
and says "you just call Dom
when you feel like you need some 'Mistakes'." [Nice ending]

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Man About Town

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jul 07, 2020 11:17 am

.
Hi mac,
glad you were entertained, and thanks for the crit.
Macavity wrote:
Mon Jul 06, 2020 3:57 pm
straw hair, like a field, mid-harvest.....rather disconnects from the previous seasonal image
True, but none of the images connect back to the original soufflé (and it was intended as a drugs pun (snow, man) rather than something
seasonal) so I think I'll risk it. That said, any alternatives? :)

Currently pondering those alternatives (thanks). What am I missing with 'homemade'? It doesn't seem like it' would be a strong selling point.


Hi Trev,
TrevorConway wrote:
Tue Jul 07, 2020 9:20 am
somehow enjoyed it less when I realised it was Boris
I can't help but think that's an entirely appropriate reaction :)
TrevorConway wrote:
Tue Jul 07, 2020 9:20 am
I see plenty of Boris-like details in the first 3 verses. Not so much after that,
There aren't any specific references, just the suggestion that all Boris does is make mistakes (and then try to sell them to a gullible public).
The whole thing is just a play on that idea.


Regards both, Not.


PS - tweaked -



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Macavity
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Re: Man About Town

Post by Macavity » Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:03 pm

What am I missing with 'homemade'? It doesn't seem like it' would be a strong selling point.
Fair point Not, more of a bloke/lad share than that of our Etonian chap.

best

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Man About Town

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:43 pm

.
Hi mac,
thanks for returning.
I wonder if I 'm sending everyone up the wrong tree with 'brewed', would
that's cool, just cooked
be a better/less problematic alternative?
Thought about
just hatched, new batch ?
but turns out I can't pronounce it :)

Regards, Not

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Macavity
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Re: Man About Town

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 08, 2020 12:52 am

would
that's cool, just cooked
be a better/less problematic alternative?
I feel so Not., nice sonics too.

best

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Man About Town

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 08, 2020 11:21 am

.
Thanks mac,
piece duly tweaked.

Regards, Not

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