Sno-Cone (v2)

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NotQuiteSure
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Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Feb 27, 2020 2:10 pm

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v2
Sno-Cone


What I remember is a fish's eye
sucked clear of colour and set down
with a click, like plastic, on a bowl's rim.

I remember rasping the moon-round cusp
of a sno-cone, the syrup bright, arterial,
that disappointment of meltwater and dull ice.

The sidewalks, too hot for barefoot, a garden
of children, all of us - interchangeable
and nameless - grown silent as a photograph.

What I remember is a child's time. And you
weren't there. You'd gone ahead. That's why
I called today. I just wanted to catch you up.



_____________________




Sno-Cone


You ask what I remember, and the truth
is it isn't you, but the blank eye of a fish
sucked clear of colour and set down
with a click, like plastic, on the rim of a bowl.

Rasping the moon-round cusp of a sno-cone,
the syrup bright and arterial. Cold-bruised lips,
a mouth happily numbed by such harsh sweetness,
then meltwater and dull ice. Pavements

too hot for barefoot. The wooden staircase
down the side of the house in the mornings,
a garden of children, all of us the same
- interchangeable and nameless -

at this remove. Silent as a photograph.
What I remember is a child's time. And you
weren't there. You'd gone ahead. That's why
I called today. I just wanted to catch you up.



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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun Mar 01, 2020 1:10 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: Sno-Cone

Post by Firebird » Thu Feb 27, 2020 3:56 pm

Hi Not,

I’m not quite understanding all of this, but I think I get the main thrust of it. Here’s how I’d reformat and cut it down a little. Just an idea.

You ask what I remember,
but it’s not you.
It’s the eye of a fish
sucked clear of colour
and set down, like plastic,
on the rim of a bowl.

Grasping the cusp
of a sno-cone -
syrup bright & arterial.

A mouth happily numbed
by sweetness,
meltwater, dull ice.

Pavements burning under foot.
A garden of children, all their faces
just the same
as the last place. Silent
as a photo.

You'd gone ahead. That's why
I called today.
Just wanted to catch you up.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Sno-Cone

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:59 am

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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read. Going to have to think about that edit (which is always good).

Regards, Not


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Re: Sno-Cone

Post by Poet » Sat Feb 29, 2020 4:10 am

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Feb 27, 2020 2:10 pm
.
Sno-Cone


You ask what I remember, and the truth
is it isn't you, but the blank eye of a fish
sucked clear of colour and set down
with a click, like plastic, on the rim of a bowl.

Rasping the moon-round cusp of a sno-cone,
the syrup bright and arterial. Cold-bruised lips,
a mouth happily numbed by such harsh sweetness,
then meltwater and dull ice. Pavements

too hot for barefoot. The wooden staircase
down the side of the house in the mornings,
a garden of children, all of us the same
- interchangeable and nameless -

at this remove. Silent as a photograph.
What I remember is a child's time. And you
weren't there. You'd gone ahead. That's why
I called today. I just wanted to catch you up.



.
Interesting, I feel like this poem has some promise but the line breaks aren't right, good thing someone suggested to fix it and made an example, good effort though.

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Re: Sno-Cone

Post by Macavity » Sat Feb 29, 2020 8:12 am

Enjoyed Not. Tristan has pruned unnecessary modifiers/detail and added clarity, and retained/focussed the mood of the poem.
Pavements too hot for barefeet.
I feel 'burning' is too much.
What I remember is a child's time. And you
weren't there.
I think that is too important to lose.

all the best

mac

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Mar 01, 2020 1:01 pm

.
Hi Poet, Mac,
thanks for the read.
Macavity wrote:
Sat Feb 29, 2020 8:12 am
Pavements too hot for barefeet.

I feel 'burning' is too much.
Agreed, 'too hot for barefoot' is a vernacular I'm sticking with ... for now.
Macavity wrote:
Sat Feb 29, 2020 8:12 am
What I remember is a child's time. And you
weren't there.

I think that is too important to lose.
Me too, Mac. It 's what it's about.


- revision posted -

Thanks again,

regards, Not


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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by Firebird » Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:24 pm

Hi Not,

I think the main problem for me with this poem is that I just can’t work out who the ‘you’ is in it. Is it an elder sibling of N, or N’s mother/father.

I had thought that N was being moved round from one place to another and never had the chance to get to know any children well enough to remember their faces later on in life. Is the vagueness of this poem purposeful? Maybe it is. Maybe the child is being moved from one orphanage to another, but if this is true why not just say it, as I don’t think much is gained in meaning or effect by withholding it. And if N is being moved from orphanage to orphanage why ‘You'd gone ahead’?

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by k-j » Mon Mar 02, 2020 5:18 pm

Hi there,

I really like the revised version, a big imnprovement.

I too was disappointed the first time I had a sno-cone! S2 is the best part I think.

Struggling with "grown silent". Isn't it implied that S3 if part of "what I remember"? In which case, you're remembering that the scene had "grown silent"? Surely not, rather it's grown silent now, year later.

The identity of the "you" and the conclusion in general I don't understand, which does detract slightly from my enjoyment of the poem.

Good stuff.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Mar 03, 2020 12:51 pm

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Hi Tristan,

I almost included the addressee in the poem, then didn't. Will definitely rethink that but not sure it will make much difference. (Also might change the title to 'One Summer' or 'Snapshots' to help narrow the focus). Though perhaps this one isn't ready to be written, yet.


Hi k-j
thanks for the read.

I really like the revised version, a big improvement.
Thanks, but I'm beginning to have my doubts, especially, as you say, about 'the identity of "you" - which Tristan raised - and the conclusion in general'.

I too was disappointed the first time I had a sno-cone! S2 is the best part I think.
Thanks

Struggling with "grown silent". Isn't it implied that S3 if part of "what I remember"? In which case, you're remembering that the scene had "grown silent"? Surely not, rather it's grown silent now, year later.
All N has of this time are a few (child's) memories, and some photos. The thought was that while some will have grown up others didn't. But, yeah, haven't got this one yet.

I think I'll find a nice quiet draw and put it out of my misery for a while.

Thanks again.


Regards both, Not

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by ray miller » Wed Mar 04, 2020 4:31 pm

I think it's very good. Maybe What I remember isn't you, but the eye of a fish

that disappointment of meltwater and dull ice. - that's a lovely line, I like grown silent as a photograph, too

The ending is a bit too mysterious
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Mar 04, 2020 4:45 pm

.
Hi ray,
thanks for the read.

Maybe What I remember isn't you, but the eye of a fish
Yes, I'll take that suggestion, thanks, I like what you did there.

The ending is a bit too mysterious
Can't/haven't figured out how to make it less so. The only thing I can think of
is to make 'you' in the final verse specific. An aunt/uncle/sibling/parent/etc. Someone
who was already an adult at the time N is looking back to. Any thoughts?


Regards, Not

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by Firebird » Wed Mar 04, 2020 7:21 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed Mar 04, 2020 4:45 pm
The only thing I can think of
is to make 'you' in the final verse specific. An aunt/uncle/sibling/parent/etc. Someone
who was already an adult at the time N is looking back to.
I’d be interested to read that ending. Or maybe just drip feed the reader a few subtle hints during the poem about the ‘yous’ identity.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by Macavity » Thu Mar 05, 2020 12:43 pm

with a click, like plastic, on a bowl's rim.
Like the sonic play of click/plastic Not, but what is causing the click?

best

mac

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Re: Sno-Cone (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Mar 05, 2020 12:56 pm

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Hi Tristan,
thanks for returing.
I’d be interested to read that ending
Working on it ... I may be some time.

Hi Mac,
just a guess, but the sclera. It was something that looked like clear plastic,
and when set down maintained its shape.

Regards both, Not



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