My Art

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bjondon
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My Art

Post by bjondon » Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:16 pm

My art has gone cold
I prefer it that way
I used to up-end spoons
In a complicated array

Revolve them at regular intervals
And with burnt fingertips pay

My dad drinks his straight
Takes pride in a scalded throat
My mum only drinks coffee as she says
It always hits the perfect note

I find mugs under the settee
Take an interest in mould
Eschew hot breath blown, prefer
My room temperature cold



Edit : original L14 - 'Prefer my room temperature cold'
Last edited by bjondon on Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: My Art

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:20 pm

.
Hi Jules,
not sure about the title, but enjoyed the read.

Just a thought ...


I used to up-end spoons
In a complicated array
Revolve them at regular intervals
And with burnt fingertips pay
Now My art has gone cold
I prefer it that way

My dad drinks his straight
Takes pride in a scalded throat
My mum aahs her coffee
which always hits the perfect note

[feels like there a line or two missing
to get one from s2 to s3]

I find mugs under the settee
Take an interest in their mould
Eschew hot breath blown
Prefer my room temperature cold


Regards, Not


.

David
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Re: My Art

Post by David » Sat Sep 28, 2019 2:38 pm

I like it, without thinking that I've fathomed it. Good paddling, though.

It's a bit of an inverted sonnet in form, isn't it?

Cheers

David

Macavity
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Re: My Art

Post by Macavity » Sat Sep 28, 2019 8:41 pm

One must suffer for ones art Jules :)

perhaps cut one of the prefer
My mum only drinks coffee as she says
It always hits the mellow note
Just a thought

muchly enjoyed

mac

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JJWilliamson
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Re: My Art

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Sep 29, 2019 8:09 am

Great stuff, Jules.

This reminds me sharply of an art friend of mine who delights in the abstract. I've been a fan of his work for a few years now.

I'm reading this literally because my mind immediately dived into the abstract, conjuring all sorts of images. It has an ekphrastic feel, so much so that I'd enjoy looking at your interpretations. However, I freely admit that my artistic tendencies are affecting my vision.

The cadence falters here and there, but I don't think you're going for metered verse, so it probably doesn't matter, even though you're employing some nifty end rhymes. Not a problem, really, given that it looks and feels deliberate.
bjondon wrote:
Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:16 pm
My art has gone cold ...Clever opening line and a superb hook.
I prefer it that way
I used to up-end spoons
In a complicated array

Revolve them at regular intervals
And with burnt fingertips pay ...Is there a reason for the inversion, other than to force the rhyme?

My dad drinks his straight
Takes pride in a scalded throat
My mum only drinks coffee as she says
It always hits the perfect note

I find mugs under the settee
Take an interest in mould
Eschew hot breath blown
Prefer my room temperature cold ...Love this stanza.
Very much enjoyed.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

bjondon
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Re: My Art

Post by bjondon » Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:39 pm

Thanks Not, David, mac and JJ - pleased everyone enjoyed this
I have tinkered a tiny bit, agreeing with mac the second 'prefer' is a tiny bit clunky - 'like' its strongest contender, but
'room temperature' is a late addition to the whole metaphorical trifle so I don't want to add too much to that. The echo of the first 'prefer' seems the right shade of neutral (and I note JJ you seem to like this stanza as it stands).
Anyway, I've moved 'prefer' up a line, and like the way that prompts the thought that it is a particularly hot-breath-blown kind of word! . . . a quirk too far?

JJ - yes, I'm forcing the rhyme, but in an Ogden Nashish universe I think I can get away with it.
I'm a sort of artworld refugee, so it probably shows (especially those mouldy mugs)

Not - the first line (as confirmed by JJ) is the big hook. Switching it round your way is more logical but both the cadence and the whole metaphorical tease start best I think from that thought.
Yes, a bit of a lacuna between S2 and 3 but . .. again I'm going to plead theatre of absurd
- adding 'their' to 'mould' - for me it throws the cadence, I want it quite lumpen (dimeter aot trimeter) and chiming with L1

mac - I'm happy with the mum and coffee couplet - 'mellow' contrasts more logically with 'scalded'/'straight' but it's less vernacular in that phrase, I prefer that line quite low key and clichéd, but perhaps conveying the meaning that the mum is confidently playing a completely different game, jumping the whole metaphor.

David - it's fun when you hit 14
It even has one pentameter :)

Regards to all,
Jules

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