Serendipity-doodah

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David
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Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Sun Jul 14, 2019 9:42 am

I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar

with her swag between her feet,
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette,
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me -
for a while, at least.

barrett
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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by barrett » Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:04 am

Love that title, David. It actually made Mrs. B ask what I was chuckling at.

I don't think this needs any changes does it? Great line break on S2 L3, it makes the reader pause along with you.

This line's perfect.
David wrote:
Sun Jul 14, 2019 9:42 am
this unlooked-for epaulette,
Brilliant, really enjoyed it.

barrett.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:04 am

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
my, oh my, what a wonderful day. :)

Excellent poem, David, and one that had me glued to the page right to the end.
I don't want to labour the point but I enjoyed every line and strophe. Loved the close.

Nothing to offer but enjoyment.

Best

JJ
David wrote:
Sun Jul 14, 2019 9:42 am
I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar ...Made me smile.

with her swag between her feet, ...Yes, fair enough, although I wondered about "legs".
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen ...Is there a deliberate connection between foxgloves and stock? I liked the possibility.

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette, ...Clever and highly appropriate.
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me -
for a while, at least. ...I hope you like this close, if not can I have it? :)
J
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:40 am

David,
If you have written a better poem than this then I must have missed it!
From perfect title through to perfect ending,and all in one sentence.

It makes me feel bad to actually make a suggestion,but - just my opinion - "consented" implies that you asked,while
"unlooked-for" seems to imply the opposite. Maybe something like "decided/chosen"?

Plaudits
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:57 am

.
Hi David,
enjoyed the read.

a busy amiable burglar ?
JJWilliamson wrote:
Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:04 am
with her swag between her feet, ...Yes, fair enough, although I wondered about "legs".
Made me wonder about "knees" :)

And whether the name of the 'prettiest girl' would fit after 'as though'.

And lastly, if the period after 'shoulder' should be an 'and', and the comma after 'still'
a period?


Regards, Not.

.

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by ray miller » Sun Jul 14, 2019 1:20 pm

Very nice, David.
this unlooked-for epaulette,
hardly daring to draw breath,


that would give you an extra rhyme. If you want one. Likewise thief/feet.

reversing from a foxglove's flower?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by Macavity » Mon Jul 15, 2019 1:30 pm

A delicate delight to read while I am looking out on my garden! Can't add to all the suggestions, though the title felt 'ugly' (with this poem).

cheers

mac

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by Perry » Mon Jul 15, 2019 1:57 pm

I'm off to bed, so this will be brief.
David wrote:
Sun Jul 14, 2019 9:42 am
I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar

with her swag between her feet, [aren't the drones that collect pollen males? perhaps I'm remembering my biology wrong. I thought only the queen was a female]
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette, ["undeserved" instead of "unlooked-for"?]
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me - [I'll need to think about alternatives, but "go with" doesn't feel strong enough to me -- perhaps "be my date" instead of "go with me"]
for a while, at least.
Lovely poem! I like it!
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:39 pm

Hi Perry. I will check with Mrs C about the bees.

Nope, the workers - who collect the pollen - are definitely females. The males are drones, and pretty useless apart from the one lucky lottery winner who gets to impregnate the queen.

I must say I prefer "unlooked-for".

I'm not sure you're familiar with the British usage of "to go with me". It's sort of like that old US stalwart of going steady. As in (newly empowered by Geoff and Mac) ...



But I'm glad you like it.

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:49 pm

Thanks all. You've all been very kind. Thank you!

On particular points ...

Geoff, that's a very reasonable quibble about "consented". Let me think about that.

JJ, Not ... there is no end to my ignorance of the bee's anatomy. Wasn't quite sure how to describe it.

Mac, thanks. You are not the first to object to the title. It has been much derided elsewhere. On the other hand, Geoff and M. Barrett like it, so ...

Ooh, some internal rhyming. That's interesting. Thanks Ray.

Cheers all

David

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Jul 18, 2019 1:20 pm

David wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:49 pm
Mac, thanks. You are not the first to object to the title. It has been much derided elsewhere. On the other hand, Geoff and M. Barrett like it, so ...
David,
Ignore the naysayers, just watch at about 2m 8 secs :)



Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by Ryder » Thu Jul 18, 2019 2:09 pm

True story

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:02 pm

.
Hi David,

the term you may be searching for is 'pollen baskets'
as in
an amiable burglar

her baskets full of swag,


Regards, Not


.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sat Jul 27, 2019 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

David
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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:06 pm

Perfect, Geoff! I actually think I remember seeing that film at the cinema. Not when it first came out, perhaps.
Ryder wrote:
Thu Jul 18, 2019 2:09 pm
True story
And so it is. Sort of. Ryder, indeed. You've not been around for a while. Hope all's well with you.

Oh Not, I don't think I want baskets. But thanks for the thought.

Cheers all

David

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by 1lankest » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:44 pm

Lovely, pure nectar.

Why the isolated ‘I’?
I liked the ending, naturally, but it struck me as slightly too twee and shifted the focus overly to the narrator and the human element in the poem.

A less anthropocentric ending might improve this for me. Let the insects sing?

Great to read you, as ever.

Luke

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Jul 18, 2019 8:36 pm

David wrote:
Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:06 pm
Oh Not, I don't think I want baskets. But thanks for the thought.
David,
Where do all burglars keep their swag? Yes indeed -
http://www.gardening-for-wildlife.com/pollen-sacs.html

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Sat Jul 20, 2019 4:02 pm

Nice to see you around again, Luke!
1lankest wrote:
Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:44 pm
Why the isolated ‘I’?
You've got me wondering myself now. Was it for metrical reasons?

But I want to keep my anthropocentric ending.

Thanks for the sacs, Geoff!

Cheers both

David

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by RCJames » Sun Jul 21, 2019 7:21 pm

Not a wasted word throughout - love that image of butterfly as schoolgirl - well done - RC

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by 1lankest » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:07 am

On second thoughts I was projecting inner doubts over my own gannet related anthropocentrism on your excellent poem. Thoroughly misplaced. Don’t change a thing!

Luke

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:38 am

RC, Luke - thank you!

David

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by Firebird » Fri Jul 26, 2019 5:59 am

I like it David. I’m not sure you need ‘flower’ after foxglove. Flower seems redundant to me, though it does help the rhythm of the line. Also, and I’m sure this will only be me, do you need ‘this unlooked-for epaulette’? It is a beautiful line but for me it was clear implied by the line before.

‘Stood stock still, frozen’. This line is a bit overdone for me. You don’t need ‘still’ and ‘frozen’, do you?

I lovely poem though all in all.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Serendipity-doodah

Post by David » Fri Jul 26, 2019 5:23 pm

Thanks Tristan. Some stuff to think about there.

Cheers

David

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