Tides

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churinga
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Tides

Post by churinga » Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:04 pm

As the tide ebbs, it reveals
broken things: pram wheels, cans,
bottles smashed
and slime attached to smoothed rocks
and half-bricks tossed.

When the tide's in
glassy molecules learn to swim
and jewel the eye with silvered blues.
Little waves of crystalled light
lap my toes...
and the slime goes.
Last edited by churinga on Mon Oct 22, 2018 1:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Binz
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Re: Tides

Post by Binz » Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:43 am

very pleasant, I could feel the water around my toes.

I'd suggest removing one of the 'ands' in S1.
'glassy molecules learn to swim' didn't work for me. I think it is that I read molecules as the elemental particles that are way too small to see, maybe a less scientific word would be more poetic.

B.
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

churinga
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Re: Tides

Post by churinga » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:25 pm

Hi Binz

I also thought 'molecules' was taking it too far but nothing better has come to mind.
The repetition of 'and' doesn't worry me, I think it sounds OK even if it looks annoying visually.

Thanks for commenting, glad you liked it.

Ross

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Re: Tides

Post by Macavity » Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:05 pm

hi Ross,
I think the S1 revelation, though familiar, connects. S2, naturally the 'illusions' will be less concrete, and poetic language is one way to illustrate the cosmetic. On the other hand, a scientific slant could be interesting - what underlies/causes the 'beauty' that hides/distracts.

cheers

mac
churinga wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:04 pm
As the tide ebbs, it reveals
broken things: pram wheels, cans,.....................................colon for listing?
bottles smashed
and slime attached to smoothed rocks
and half-bricks tossed.

When the tide's in
glassy molecules learn to swim
and jewel the eye with silvered blues.
Little waves of crystalled light
lap my toes... and the slime goes.

churinga
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Re: Tides

Post by churinga » Sun Sep 30, 2018 7:16 pm

Thanks for commenting Mac.

I'll change it to a colon.

kind regards

Ross

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Perry
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Re: Tides

Post by Perry » Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:15 am

churinga wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:04 pm
As the tide ebbs, it reveals
broken things: pram wheels, cans,
bottles smashed (end with a comma)
and slime attached to smoothed rocks (remove "and")
and half-bricks tossed.

When the tide's in
glassy molecules learn to swim
and jewel the eye with silvered blues. (would prefer "silver blues" or "silvery blues")
Little waves of crystalled light (would prefer "crystal" or "crystalline")
lap my toes ... and the slime goes.
"and the slime goes" doesn't work for me as an ending.

When the tide's in, glassy molecules
learn to swim and jewel the eye
with silver blues. Little waves of crystal light
lap my toes ... and the slime becomes (turns to?)
mitochondria under the water's skin. (vessels?)

(or something like that)

"Mitochondria" (or whatever internal bodily structure you come up with) continues the theme set by "molecules". Unfortunately, my lines kill the rhyme.

I thought of this because nature puts a uniform skin on every living thing (both plant and animal), and the reflective sheen on the water's surface could be seen as the water's skin, with the junk and slime becoming the internal organs.

(You can ignore me. I'm just daydreaming.)
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

churinga
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Re: Tides

Post by churinga » Tue Oct 02, 2018 7:53 pm

Perry, the slime is washed off my toes by the fresh tidal waves/water lapping them. There is no wider context to the image.

cheers
Ross

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Perry
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Re: Tides

Post by Perry » Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:29 pm

I was trying to plumb a deeper metaphor from the poem, that's all. It was just a thought.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Tides

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Oct 03, 2018 6:27 pm

Pleasant and succinct poem, Ross, and nicely observed.

Ah, the cleansing waters of the rising tide. A veneer of beauty represented by the lovely images of S2. S2 makes it for me.

Best

JJ
churinga wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:04 pm
As the tide ebbs, it reveals
broken things: pram wheels, cans,
bottles smashed
and slime attached to smoothed rocks
and half-bricks tossed. ...I'd slot some plastic in there somewhere, perhaps replacing the clichéd pram wheels.

When the tide's in
glassy molecules learn to swim
and jewel the eye with silvered blues.
Little waves of crystalled light
lap my toes... and the slime goes.
Enjoyed the read

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

churinga
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Re: Tides

Post by churinga » Wed Oct 03, 2018 9:16 pm

Hi JJ

Glad you liked it. I take your point about 'pram wheels'. I choose it for the rhyme. reveals/wheels

kind regards

Ross.

Charles
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Re: Tides

Post by Charles » Sun Oct 21, 2018 11:28 pm

Hi churinga,

Really liked this one. Simple, well crafted and effective. Don't have any crit really, but I thought I'd let you know I enjoyed this one.

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Jackie
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Re: Tides

Post by Jackie » Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:27 am

Hi Ross,

I enjoyed wiggling my toes in this cooling water. I also enjoyed what I saw as the way you tied the poem together with metric patterns:

Using u u / u to open the poem, open S2, and end the poem
Using / u / throughout lines 2-5 and returning to it in line 10
Using / u / u / u / in lines 7-9, when the reader feels washed with the cooling tide

Molecules in line 7 doesn't work for me both because it doesn't fit the metrical pattern and it isn't cajoling enough for those lines (IMHO, of course!). Maybe one of these from the thesaurus would work: spherules, bubbles, driblets, droplets, smidgens

Thanks—
Jackie

churinga
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Re: Tides

Post by churinga » Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:03 am

Charles
Thanks for your comment, pleased you liked it.

Jackie
I have no idea what metric patterns I use in any poem.
I just go by ear. And here I think it meanders somewhat.
'molecules' is used to slant rhyme with blues,
I only just noticed this!

kind regards to you both

Ross

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