gone

[Yesterday]

Grey-blue, crystal air,
foot steps out of unison
marching up the hill.

The purple sky, bruised,
twisted hand at his forehead
in a frail salute.

Streaking flares remind
of white suited men who's finnal
breath was ocean.

White sunlight pierces,
gunshots of memory fade
as a last tear falls.

[Hidden-Spirit]

I like the way you describe things

[TheYoungOne]

'Purple sky, bruised,
his twisted hand at his forehead
in a salute.'

^^ In my opinion that stanza was the best part of the poem...

But I didn't understand the part were you said:

white suited men who's,
last breath was ocean

Why the last breath an ocean?

[pseud]

good images and color usage.

Too many commas in this:

the flares, remind
of white suited men who's,
last breath was ocean.

It wouldn't take much to turn this into a collection of progressive haikus, the syllable count would be -

5
7
5

5
7
5

5
7
5

You have something close:

3
9
5

4
8
4

4
6
5

4
9
3

It's up to you...

- Caleb

[Yesterday]

thanx, yes i did consider making it a haiku poem, i think i will now.

white suited men are that of the navy who died at sea

i think ill have to work on it now.