I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

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EatMyPoetry
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I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by EatMyPoetry » Thu Jun 06, 2013 6:54 am

Last night we roused the house
With noisy flames of love
But the morning creeped
and you doused it out

That look I've seen before
The accepted rejection
of a decade-long romance
Back to old, in new surrounds

Macavity
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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:04 pm

Liked roused/doused sound combo. Perhaps you could thread a bit more of that sound play in the poem?

cheers

mac

KevJ
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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by KevJ » Fri Jun 07, 2013 5:35 pm

enjoyed the first stanza very much. Not that I dislike the second :wink:
Last edited by KevJ on Fri Jun 07, 2013 7:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Arian
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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by Arian » Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:52 pm

I rather like it. It's thoughtfully constructed and quite poignant, I think. A sharp comment on staling relationships.

For me, the lonely, somewhat forlorn, comma in the last line is a bad move. Either remove it, or punctuate the piece properly. As it is, the comma plays a telltale role - implying that the freeform structure of the poem is accidental rather than deliberate. And I'm sure (or am I?) that it's the latter.

And the title is quite witty, but perhaps a bit long-winded and clunky? Don't know. Agnostic on that one.

Interesting piece though.

peter

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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by John G » Sat Jun 08, 2013 11:24 am

Rather like this account of a one night stand and think that the first half works well on its own and doesn't really need the second half.

Sort of like the roused / doused rhyme as well -

And a big fan of the title - so hurrah and well done.
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EatMyPoetry
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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by EatMyPoetry » Tue Jun 11, 2013 3:32 am

Hey, thanks for the feedback.

Regarding the title, it actually comes from the Hot Chip song One Life Stand. It's a bit of a tendency of mine to change song lines/titles to suit my thoughts or writings. It is a bit long, but I like it.

Arian, you are absolutely correct about the comma. Looks a little bit lost out there on its own. It will be removed if I re-write this.

I did look at ways of getting a rhyme in the second stanza, similar to roused/doused in the first, but I opted against it. It felt too forced, although I will look again. But I'm keen not to lose the essence of the feeling of the poem just to add a rhyme in.

Cheers for all your comments.

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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by Paula » Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:22 pm

I like the simplicty and strong message it conveys...its kind of chilling, but honourable at the same time...as weird as that might sound..

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Jackie
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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by Jackie » Fri Jul 05, 2013 10:59 am

It was the title that attracted me to the poem, so I have to say I like it!
EatMyPoetry wrote:But the morning creeped
and you doused it out
The prepositions don't strike me as natural here. Could this be instead,

But the morning creeped in
and you doused it.

Also, could you consider rewording the second stanza to leave out the second line? I feel like it's telling me what to think, and I'm trying to hard to figure out what accepted rejection looks like to you.

I like the unifying the rouse/douse/surround assonance brings to the poem.

Jackie

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Re: I Never Wanted To Be Your Ten-Year Stand

Post by David Smedley » Wed Jul 10, 2013 5:29 pm

Last night we roused the house
With noisy flames of love
But the morning creeped
and you doused it out

That look I've seen before
The accepted rejection
of a decade-long romance
Back to old, in new surrounds
Hi E.M.P. A couple of observations, first verse, line 4, the word it is ambiguous, the only things that can be "doused" are the flames so should the it be them

Second verse line 2 starts with a capital.
line 4 should read "back to the old"

seeya...David

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