The Shepherd Boys of Tartary

[Wilcken]

sleep watchfully
inside down-filled bags.
Our young tribe held close
through the night inside
dreaming bodies, we run
together to the edge
where we swim under curls
of alpha waves out of mind
and sight of the bleaters.

The soil is a woman
under the floor of our tent.
We trap dew to water
the shoots, grass and clover.

We keep our prayers mum
due to rules against speaking
the combination of certain words
We pray the words we can not say
like still and born,
like the brown sugar hair
of girls we've never seen.

Warily we keep the ground
and tend ourselves, our small herd,
crop grafted into flock.



Note:

This is an introductory poem of a series I've been working on for the past year about the Vegetable Lamb of Tartary. As part of my research I ordered a copy of this book which turned out to be ex libris from the Liverpool library. (!) It smells great.

The poems (I hope) will accumulate into the story of a fictional world, focusing first on the boys who care for the vegetable lambs and the rituals and traditions that surround these practices, then expanding to the village from which the boys are taken as infants to serve in the role of shepherds until they reach puberty.

There are some dependencies amongst the poems, so I don't expect each will stand entirely on its own, but I hope for a little latitude on that front as I plan to post several in a row here. Of course, whatever feedback you are interested in providing is totally welcome. I'm hoping to incorporate the influence of PG members' poetry and opinions as I revise and continue writing these poems into a larger whole.

Cheers,
Wilcken

[Antcliff]

What a fabulous subject Wilko! Looking at this book now.

[Nash]

I'm very much looking forward to seeing more from this series, Wilcken. Like Seth says, a fabulous subject.

I really like the 'alpha waves' bit, very nice.

The only bit I'm stumbling on is lines 1-3 in S3.

L1 S3 - I think I can see where you're coming from with "keeping mum" I think (following on from S2, Earth as a mother for these small boys that have been taken from their parents to work as 'shepherds'), but the phrase just sounds a bit 20th century to me. I could easily be wrong here, perhaps best to wait and see what others think.

L2+3 S3 - These lines don't seem to be in the same voice as the rest of the poem. Perhaps a tad prosaic compared to the rest. The main problem, I think, is in L3 which is syllabically longer than the rest. It could be changed (...if you wanted to, of course) by finding an alternative to 'combination' which stands out in a poem mainly consisting of one and two syllable words (which I like, by the way, it adds a simplicity to the collective voice of the children).

Anyway, that aside, I really enjoyed it.

Cheers,
Nash.

[Wilcken]

Oh, I'm psyched to post more of them now.

Thanks Seth and Nash, for stopping by. Nash, I don't know why (well I do, patience is just not my strong suit), I'd been fine with that poem for a long time and yesterday I think it was nerves about not showing enough in the first poem. The next poem does a lot to bring in the theme of "Earth as a mother for these small boys that have been taken from their parents to work as 'shepherds'."

So I've gone back to my original lines now, and I'm feeling great about how they work so much more effectively -- just as you said -- for the voice of boys.

More soon, I'll need to do lots of commenting on the poems of others so I can keep putting these up.

Wilcken

[Antcliff]

hi
I do like the ending..crop grafted onto flock.

Curious..do tents have floors?

seth

[Suzanne]

This is something new to me. I look forward to reading more as it progresses. I have read a bit on the net about the VL and think that adding shepherds to the flock will be interesting to watch unfold. Hard to comment on this one as the material is so new to me, I'd like to see more first. Suzanne

[Wilcken]

Seth, yeah, tents have floors. We've always called 'em that anyhow. I guess it might be referred to as the bottom also, or any other number of things I suppose. This is a longterm set up the boys are are living in, and (in my mind, these are not your camping tents so much as they are a foldable nomadic structure type thingamabob. I have not named it, though the sound of a yurt is awful nice. Those kinds of details, and how they create a sense of time and place, are of great interest to me in these poems.

Suzanne, fair enough and this is truly an introduction that does not resolve anything within the poem. Not sure how these will eveovle. I sure hope you will keep reading as I post more, and let me know your thoughts!

Cheers

[Magpie Jane]

Awww . . . this is utterly enchanting.
And an excellent introductory poem for your series.

I admire the way it quite literally draws the reader in, into the narrative as well as into the mythical universe where the Vegetable Lambs and their young shepherds live.

We pray the words we can not say
like still and born,

--- lovely beyond words; but still more than that; this is the kind of stuff fictional worlds are built of.

I'll be following your series. Now I'll print out the next one and enjoy it with my morning coffee.

Jane

[ray miller]

Hello Wilcken. I admire much of the language - the opening two lines, these

We trap dew to water
the shoots, grass and clover.

and the final line.And I love "the bleaters".
I'd like "Our young tribe holds close" better.

I know nothing of the story and these lines floor me (pun intended)

The soil is a woman
under the floor of our tent.

Interested to see where it goes.

[Wilcken]

Ray! Haha. Loved your pun. 100% on board with holds, as I would love to achieve the feeling of an embrace. I notice that I changed some punctuation from an earlier draft that I'm gonna want to change back. Glad to have you reading! Thanks much,

Wilcken