Beacon Hill

[Antcliff]

Our Beacon Hill,
high up only from one angle,
guarded by horse chestnuts
idling in their shine.
Walk up beyond the gate
and into the surprise
of unexpected height. All light.

With her there,
nothing wrong at all,
a hill as if our throne,
and wide and glorious view.
We reign amongst the chestnut,
Good King and Queen.
Everything as solid
as the wheels of the carrier cart,
of Old Gervase,
winding through the fields,
axled to a tune.

[Magpie Jane]

Thoroughly enchanting.
Those horse chestnuts. And the light.

Very lovely. Very elegant.
First and last, and most of all, enchanting.

winding through the fields,
axled to a tune. . . . . . . . . . . . an ending could hardly be better than this.

Jane

PS: You have the word "only" in both 2nd and 3rd line. Once is enough, or . . . ey?

[Antcliff]

Magpie,
thank you...I will take enchanting. I am myself enchanted by the place.
Very pleased with what you say about ending.
I had havered, thinking I might get away with "only" twice,
but you have swooped to peck that. It will go.

Seth.
...a real hill.

[Macavity]

Our Beacon Hill,
high up only from one angle,
guarded by horse chestnuts
idling in their shine.
Walk up beyond the gate
and into the surprise
of unexpected height. All light.

With her there,
nothing wrong at all,
a hill as if our throne,
and wide and glorious view.
We reign amongst the chestnut.
Everything as solid
as the wheels of the carrier cart,
of Old Gervase,
winding through the fields,
axled to a tune.

I agree with MJ. A charming poem, captured in that notion of 'walking into the surprise of....' My suggestions are to cut the King/Queen thing because you've already worked the idea with throne/reign. Besides it made me think of the David Bowie song 'Heroes'.

mac

[Antcliff]

Mac,
thanks for reading, kind remarks, plus great edit suggestion..

You are right, you are right! And I was going to post this off in the morning.

Best wishes, Seth

[David]

This is probably too late, judging by your reply to Mac, but what happened here? The only lines I don't much like - Not high enough to be / beyond the reaching of a heart - aren't in the version that Mac quotes. Did you remove them? I hope so.

Otherwise, I agree with everything Jane says too.

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

David,
I have been havering over the removal of the last lines of s1. Mac is right..it is better without, but it has a personal meaning. It is one of those better poem vs. loss of personal meaning dilemmas. But Mac is right. It has now gone.

I have wondered about replacing the second chestnut with "conkers".
I am still wondering about Mac's axe on the King+Queen line.


Seth.

[David]

It is one of those better poem vs. loss of personal meaning dilemmas.

Ah, those are always the hard lines to cut.

I have wondered about replacing the second chestnut with "conkers".

Bit close to conquers / conquering / conquerors? Or is that a plus point?

[Antcliff]

Exactly.

Or is that a plus point?

Not here. For just that reason I think I should keep the conkers in another poem.
It was the repeating that worried me, but, well, I think I can get away with the slight difference.

seth