Mission Statement (revised, retitled)

[Wilcken]

This part begins when I leave
the car in park and you, prone
to lead with your chin, are ready

to take it, the upper hand,
a towel, the ice bucket,
the losing gasp, my surprise 

going away party. It is never
early enough in the morning,
not for us. A downward cast,

you thought we might duck out
quietly, fall off the turnip truck
together again, jump up and down

on the bed like old times. I turn out
to be the grudge, an accountant
who has kept track of pass-through

losses. You make us a Bloody Mary.
Jesus. I told you not to count on me.
I keep looking at my watch.

This part ends with acetaminophen.
I say the pickle looks a little sick.
The pause between us grows

into a never mind. You are no good
with words, filled like a birthday wish
to understand. What I’m trying to tell you

is how they try to harvest me like fruit.
Just because I am abundant. How hard
they want, how starved they are.

I keep looking over my shoulder.
Yes, I left it there on the desk
like a space capsule filled with risk.



Revision 1:
I hotwired the turnip truck

so I stick to the abridged
version. It ends with my surprise
going away party
and a downward cast.

I left the motor idling,
made you a Bloody Mary
even though the pickle
looked a little sick.

The pause between us
grew into a never mind.

When I gave you the gift
of discovery, you were let in
on what happens
when the undertow pulls hard
and suddenly you can’t
touch bottom.

A little something. I kissed
your bruise. To remember me by.
Firefly squid lined the shore,
a smattering of neon blue
lapping between two darknesses.

It was never early enough
in the morning, not for us.

I explained how necessary it was
for you to stay and how careful
you needed to be
about who you talked to.

How hungry they were,
how hard they wanted it.
They tried to take it all,
my joy, like harvesters of fruit
from the sea. Just because
I was abundant.

Instead they will find
what I left behind
on my desk,
a time capsule
filled with risk.



Original:

What the Cat Drug In

Oh, it was rough alright. I've shown up to tell you
the story but first you lay it on me, your surprise
going away party. Really? Really. Who showed up,

who ducked out early, who fell off the turnip truck
together. We take the comfort found in stale beer
smell, the nostalgia of ashtrays overflowing.

You hand me a Bloody Mary. Strong, but the pickle
looks a little sick. They’re all sluts. Agreed.
The pause between us grows into a never mind.

I suffice to say it’s no big deal, just a job.
There will always be another. No, you shut up.
I give you an abridged version, how they tried

to take it outta me. When I saw how hard
they wanted all of my joy I gave ‘em piss instead,
left it on the desk, a time capsule filled with risk.

[Antcliff]

Hi Wilko,
Can't say I'm too fond of N here. Some of it seems a bit over-stylised (is that a word?)

We take the comfort found in stale beer
smell, the nostalgia of ashtrays overflowing.

Really?

This is a good line...

The pause between us grows into a never mind.

Seth

[Arian]

I suppose it's just one of those dived/dove past-tense constructions which catch us brits a bit off-guard, but I found "drug" particularly odd. Not wrong, perhaps, but...well, enough said.

I found it hard to identify with the voice, though - seemed a bit forced. I agree with seth about that pause line - very sharp.

Cheers
peter

[Wilcken]

Seth, Peter, as usual, I am thanking.

Revision posted.

What does one have to do with the other?

Ya got me.

Wilckommen

[Antcliff]

Morning Wilckommen

I think I miss this really enjoyable line..up/duck/turnip truck.

Who showed up,

who ducked out early, who fell off the turnip truck

And..don't hate me.. but I think I prefer that fast talking+zingy manner of the tercets original!!!

You hand me a Bloody Mary. Strong, but the pickle
looks a little sick. They’re all sluts. Agreed.
The pause between us grows into a never mind.

I think I like that line in original setting, rhyming with "agreed". It was nice there.

I'm not being much use on this am I! Throw me off the truck.

seth

[James Major]

Hey Wilcken
You've kicked the stuffing out of this. I miss the verve of the original, playing catch-up with the dialogue and narrative. But both suffer from N-centred focus: piss-risk left me dangling nicely, though wanted a bigger picture. Reads more like a private broadside, but more the former than the latter.
Regards

[Wilcken]

Ah, Seth, no worries. I don't hate you and neither do my poems, so no worries. I am definitely pushing the rope on this one, and with the first version, I had no problem with the narrator being unlikable, I just didn't believe him myself. So in the second I started to play around with a bunch of other elements and, well, let the tangents begin! I appreciate you saying more on the first version. I loved those u sounds though, and was not happy about removing them, so I dunno, this might be like one of the poems I treat like hosta plant, start splitting it up to let each one grow into its own.

James, thank you for your thoughts. Well said. Somewhere between these two, a little less, a little more, who knows, I might find a thing that works. Fitting a poem in amongst the demands of a stressful work week can produce some odd results, even if they are interesting to me, I hear what you're saying about this being difficult to enter into. Getting some outside perspective is helping me out, though I'm not exactly sure what it is this poem wants to do yet. Maybe a long weekend is the best medicine, and I have just the thing lined up.

Cheers
Wilcken

[Antcliff]

Don't fall off the Hosta plant truck.

[Wilcken]

I'll keep a hand on the rail.

[Magpie Jane]

This is quite a fun read, in more ways than one.

When I read the original version, I had no shadow of idea what it was all about (which, incidentally, says less about your poem than about your reader here) and couldn't really think of anything to say.
Having read your revision, I got a better grasp of what's going on; it's more expressive, explicit, etc.
But
I like the original best for its flow & rhythm; the longer-lined tercets provide a great deal of power & energy that's lacking in the revised version.
I like the revised version best for its greater clarity.

One of the saddest forms of unrequited love is the one-way affair some people have with their job. (I mean, that's what your poem is about, isn't it? If it's about something entirely different, I'll go hide in the woodshed. I can be incredibly dense at times.)

Jane

[James Major]

Maggie said it better than me, though we are both saying similar things. Title still isn't doing you any favors which might be a symptom your uncertainty as to the focus of the poem. The presence of N's colleague is a necessary narrative tool but also distracts from the primary relationship in the poem: work. You've caught the disingenuous game playing: who left early, sluts, the barbed ending, but the turnip truck and pickle are editorializing. The bloody Mary does much more robust associative work than either without flag waving. So, it seems to me that your main metaphor is sexual, or at least the politics of commitment, with its attendant demands and compromises and, in particular, the management of disappointment. It is when you drift from that examination that the poem loses focus.

Regards

[Arian]

What does one have to do with the other?

Well, Turnip trucks seem to feature large in both. And at least you've lost the drug. Which can never be a bad thing.

I certainly prefer the less affected voice of the revision. The earlier version was (in my view) too forced, over-assertive. The latest version, with a more detached, and more relaxed, tone, gives the reader room to identify with the POV.

cheers
peter

[David]

but I think I prefer that fast talking+zingy manner of the tercets original!!!

Yep. Me too. That had a real drive (sorry!) for me, whereas the rewrite - by comparison - seems kind of flabby and all over the place. The original flowed. I think you could rearrange all the verses in the rewrite - apart from the first and the last - and it would not make less (or more) sense.

I really like the original, so apologies for not saying so before you went and rewrote it!

Cheers

David

[Wilcken]

Thanks so much Jane, James, Peter and David,

Helpful comments, thank you. Your readings and responses are helping me to sort this out a bit. I'm sure this third version is a whole new animal. It's getting closer to the heart of the matter I was initially sparked by, but may not fit some of the interpretations you are coming up with so far. Any additional comments are welcome but I sure appreciate everyone's feedback on this.

Cheers
Wilcken

[Antcliff]

Hi
I do see more of the subject matter now. Although it is a different poem. Why not have two poems here?..something close to the original and now the new version?
Just a thought.

I like this, which is the subject isn't it?

You are no good
with words, filled like a birthday wish
to understand. What I’m trying to tell you

is how they try to harvest me like fruit.
Just because I am abundant. How hard
they want, how starved they are.

S

[Wilcken]

Why not have two poems here?

Yes, I was wondering if I should not have just started a new thread. Hard to call my overhauls revisions.

I like this, which is the subject isn't it?

Yes, or at least an important part of it. Last week my life was (as I like to say) weird with a beard. I was just not very good at gauging what to put out there for others to see and comment on, but once that was done I had to live with it. So it's coming around now, for me at least.

Glad you liked that new part, and that you could hang out while I got that far (for now).

Thanks Seth.

Wilcken

[Arian]

I rather like it. It has a clearer narrative drive, though (on the downside) the delivery could be smoother - all those short sentecnes giving a rather uneven, staccato effect, as here:


is how they try to harvest me like fruit.
Just because I am abundant. How hard
they want, how starved they are.

I keep looking over my shoulder.

The whole thing needs to be syntactically softened, I'd argue. And it's a quick fix.

Otherwise, yes, the best the bunch so far. Good stuff.
peter

[Wilcken]

Hi Peter,

Thanks for returning with these responses and thoughts, I began a few tweaks but thought I better let it be for a while before I give it another pass.

Cheers
Wilcken