David wrote:I'd like to see the layout regularised.
Loth as I am to disagree with David, something I very rarely do, I can't help but urge against this advice. Form, or the pavlovian use of it (it's a poem, so we must have form) is something to beware of. It can be the ruin of a perfectly nice piece.
As this is. I particularly like:
is our view,
stretched over slow-moving clouds
to the small mountains.
Simple and evocative. Sometimes simple and familar language works best - it's the skill of the poet to decide when to use it. You've judged it right here, I'd say.
To return to my more usual davidian viewpoint, I agree with him about the reddened water. Lost me completely.
David wrote:a very pretty piece of childhood memorialised.