Three Colours

[James Major]

Three Colours

Fuckwit. Asswipe. Wankstain. Cunt.
The air in the car turns blue with his rant.
My name, undiscovered, festers in the glut.

A good cheap red would bring us round and back.
It’s blunt-headed, tawny, full-bodied kick
slaps the back of the throat and does the trick.

The lights have gone again tonight.
Cooling Bulbs hang like unpicked fruit.
Small griefs plum and ripen in my throat.

[Mic]

Liked this. An attention-grabbing opening line and a really good exit line. Like the stuff in-between too.

Mic

[brianedwards]

Sounds great James, on the whole, but a few phrases are not-so fresh:

the air turns blue
full-bodied
slaps the back of the throat (not keen on reetition of back either)

I might be missing something but should Bulbs be lower case?

Love the first and last lines.

B.

[James Major]

Thank you both. Good catch on, 'back'. I was struggling with the verb, but the prep is more the problem. B should be b. Didn't think ...the air turns blue....was so staid: my mother says it and I don't, if ever, hear it around.

Again, thanks. Very helpful.

[brianedwards]

Really James? Seems a pretty common idiom to me. Perhaps we move in very different circles ... See what others think.

B.

[brianedwards]

Thinking again James, is slap the right word? If u change the prep perhaps consider changing the verb too, go for a different assonance?

Just a thought.

B.

[Mic]

Re the air in the car turning blue - I also felt this was a bit stale.

Mic

[James Major]

That will require a rewrite. Personally, I'm amazed it seems stale. I'll defer to consensus. Regardless, I'm interested in whether the dynamic of the relationship has been captured; whether something has been touched upon.

[brianedwards]

I'm interested in whether the dynamic of the relationship has been captured; whether something has been touched upon.

Oh, most definitely.

[Pleiades]

A lot of very strongbimages, ESP last line which is lovely. I was not enjoying the rhyming much, pushed me towards reading a metronomic rhythm.

Best

Richard

[David]

Good confident writing, James. Bold too.

I couldn't work out the relationship in S1 - it's that "undiscovered" that wrong-foots me. Not sure "glut" is close enough for the half rhyme.

I like S2. I hate to be the apostrophe police, but check out that "It's".

I think S3 is excellent, the last two lines in particular. If the poem started here - "The lights have gone again tonight" would be a tremendous opening line - and went on like this I'd be very happy.

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

Hi James,
..just chipping on the air "turning blue". Once very familiar yes. Certainly my older relations used it. It may have lessened in use now. An older relation expression when I was a child, especially when it came to booking comedians...not blue, slightly blue, blue, very blue..

Seth

[ray miller]

Enjoyed very much.Last verse is lovely.

My name, undiscovered, festers in the glut. I've maybe not grasped this line correctly but undiscovered seems dodgy - undisclosed?

[brianedwards]

I like undiscovered for its ambiguity. Poses more questions than it answers. A good thing.

B.

[k-j]

Best bit for me is the verbing of "plum".

Agree with others, "turn the air blue" is a cliche. Hard to change given the title though?

Also I'm not sure "glut" is quite the right word. For me a glut is more a surfeit of something good, like apples or salmon - but maybe just me.

No apostrophe necessary in "its".

I like "slaps the back of the throat" but "does the trick" is perhaps a bit tired.

Last two lines are great.

[Wilcken]

Hi James,

Well, I keep thinking the light bulbs will come to me. Why do I not understand them? I feel like I'm asking for a Homer moment here, but I gotta ask. Because I get the colours, and I feel the tenor of the relationship, though I don't entirely grasp it's full scope, that's fine by me. I like "undiscovered" very much, good characterization for the narrator. The blue phrase worked for me, whether cliche or not (I did not read it as such, but that could be a geographical thing).

It's just the damn light bulbs. More than one of them. Many of them? Hmmmm...

The last line is very good. Plum does bring a fourth color in, fwiw. The half-rhymes work quite nicely, almost as though each set of three combines in a way that goes together, even if it's not a perfect match, which would get boring/predictable in this form. I wonder about the full stop at the end of almost every line however. Not a big deal, but I was just learning about counterpoint and the need for variation in syntax, so it was on my mind and I thought I'd share.

Wilcken

[Nicky B]

Just to add my tuppence I like the first verse very much - which surprised no one more than me - I usually hate this kind of language, but it works. And I liked blue - it worked for me too.

I'm not sure about the trick/kick rhyme - it almost sounds twee, and bit too sing song and light.

I really like the last two lines - those ripening plums. very good.

Overall a "yay" - which is still surprising me,

Nicky B.