Femme Fatale (REVISED)

[Oskar]

REVISION

She’s over there
where the fat man and the small guy sit.
Shady lady in the nylon seams
with a bottle and the jaded look.
A dime store avatar for all that’s in disguise
and in your dreams.
The widow in the cocktail dress
trails her fur along the floor
smells of flowers but she’s a carnivore.
That’s her, and she goes by the name of Perfidia.

Listen, Jack
There’s no such thing as a free pink pussycat in your bed.
She’ll strip you clean, dance you round
and when she’s done
stamp her dainty footprint on your head.
Don’t stay to drink the coffee
just get out of there and run.
This is Shakey Town
and baby’s got a gun.


..................

ORIGINAL

She’s over there
where the fat man and small guy sit.
Shady lady in the nylon seams
with a bottle and the look
that’s a just little bit jaded.
A dime store avatar for all that’s out of bounds
and in your dreams.
The widow in the cocktail dress
who trails her fur along the floor
smells of flowers but she’s a carnivore.
That’s her
and she goes by the name of Perfidia.

Listen, Jack
there’s no such thing as a free pink pussycat
in your bed.
She’ll strip you clean, dance you round
and when she’s done
rearrange your head with smoke filled lies.
Just get out of there and run.
This is Shakey Town
and baby’s got a gun.

[Nash]

We haven't been getting many from you lately Oskar and I must confess that it makes me feel strangely happy when I see that you've posted one.....especially one with a title like this. You do these film noir homages very well, verse noir perhaps?

It's very cinematic of course, the title and the first two lines set the scene instantly. The fat man and the small guy - I'm seeing Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre?

Small typo in L5? Should it be 'just a little' instead of 'a just little'?

This bit is just brilliant:

The widow in the cocktail dress
who trails her fur along the floor
smells of flowers but she’s a carnivore.

Naming her 'Perfidia' is inspired, not only do I have a picture of her looking like Julie London but we've also got a soundtrack in the bar!

Now to the negatives. I'm not too keen on those very short lines (That's her/in your bed), they seem to disrupt the rhythm I think. 'Listen Jack' works well as the start of S2.

I don't understand 'Shakey Town', a reference that's going over my head no doubt.

Cheers Oskar, very enjoyable,
Nash.

[Pleiades]

Like a film scene. Nicely written. Perhaps a tad conventional as a narrative?

with a bottle and the look
that’s a just little bit jaded.

This could be

with a bottle and the jaded look

As its not much more interesting if the jaded ness is qualified.

Enjoyed.

Best

Richard

[brianedwards]

Ahh, you rarely fail to please Oskar and this another gem. Conventional yes, but when it sounds this good who cares? Real treat to read aloud, especially in a fake hard-boiled twang. I agree with Richards suggested edit.

Always a pleasure.

B.

[twoleftfeet]

Oskar,

As Brian says, it needs to be read aloud in a fake accent.
Personally, I prefer the OTT style of the guy who used to do the "Quinn Martin Productions" voiceovers - they always reminded you at the end too, as if you might possibly have thought it was someone else!

My only nit is that "out of bounds" sounds too British.

A pleasure to read

Geoff

[Oskar]

We haven't been getting many from you lately Oskar and I must confess that it makes me feel strangely happy when I see that you've posted one.....

Not as happy as it makes me feel, Nash! I want to be here much more often posting respectable poetry but I just seem write headless chickens these days. It’s frustrating and bloody depressing.

The fat man and the small guy - I'm seeing Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre?

Yes sir.

Small typo in L5? Should it be 'just a little' instead of 'a just little'?

Careless, Oskar. I will amend.

not only do I have a picture of her looking like Julie London but we've also got a soundtrack in the bar!

I rolled that song around in my head while I scribbled down most of the lines. It kept me going.

I'm not too keen on those very short lines (That's her/in your bed), they seem to disrupt the rhythm I think.

That’s her – I think is justified. It highlights the rhyme and the pause that is there in the reading of those last two lines of S1.
in your bed – not so easy to justify! Hmmm, I’ll kick it around.

Shakey Town = Los Angeles

I really appreciate your close reading, Nash. Many thanks.

Perhaps a tad conventional as a narrative?

Yes, that's what bothers me too. The poem doesn’t offer any surprises. I tried looking for them, but couldn’t find any. I’ll keep looking though.

with a bottle and the look
that’s a just little bit jaded.

This could be

with a bottle and the jaded look

I like seeing the look there in the poem because Lauren Bacall was once credited with having something called The Look. I will, however, seriously consider your suggestion. Another perceptive reading. Thank you.

It’s always nice to know that you’re out there and interested in what I post, Brian. Your comment tips me towards making that edit. It does iron out the line quite nicely. Cheers.

It’s fake American accents all-round then, Geoff! I’ll just put on the Julie London and think Bogart and Bacall, just to optimise reading conditions.

Is out of bounds a phrase that wouldn’t be used across the pond? Hmmm, I’ll have an alternative on standby. Thanks for your help.

THE LOOK

[Suzanne]

Hi Oskar,

I just watched The Big Sleep last week. LB, she's a beauty. And pretty confident for a 22 year old.

Yes, we say "out of bounds" use it just as you did in the poem which I enjoyed.

And, like Nash, I love seeing your name on the board after a poem.
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Here's lookin' at you, kid. Enjoyed it a lot. Should be "the fat man and the small guy", don't you think? Stereotypes. I guess "off limits" is a bit more American than out of bounds.
These are the best lines, I think.

The widow in the cocktail dress
who trails her fur along the floor
smells of flowers but she’s a carnivore.

Do you need "in your bed"? Too explicit, I'd have thought. Nice ending.

[twoleftfeet]

I guess "off limits" is a bit more American than out of bounds.

+1.
"Out of bounds" makes me think of misbehaving kids, bunking off, tuck-shops et al.

[Antcliff]

Late to this Oskar,
but enjoyed it greatly.

Yes I think "Out of bounds" is indeed not quite a Shakey Town expression..unless David Niven is at the party.

Seth

[David]

Very good. And of course "out of bounds" should be "out of your league". No?

Interestingly, I've never heard of Shakey Town before. Where does that come from?

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

Thanks, Suzanne. To Have and Have Not is also worth watching. It was Lauren Bacall's first film. Seen that one?

the small guy is IN. Cheers, Ray. I'll keep the bed ref. but you're probably right.

Yes I think "Out of bounds" is indeed not quite a Shakey Town expression..unless David Niven is at the party.

"Out of bounds" makes me think of misbehaving kids, bunking off, tuck-shops et al.

Wise guys, huh!

"out of bounds" should be "out of your league". No?

I think I'll avoid the issue and explore another, more fruitful(?), option.

SEE REVISIO

Cheers all.

btw - thanks for cleaning up the line re - jaded look, Richard.

[Antcliff]

Ed G as Little Caesar? Okay I'm turning dirty rat and saying..it was George wot done it. He deserves to be gunned down near the tuckshop, not me.

Like the edit.
seth

[Oskar]

NOT lifted from Chandler or Hammett -

Shakey Town - Little Feat

First time that I saw her
down at the predator's ball
She was lookin' a little bit lost
Like this was her very first cattle call
She was a quick understudy
She learned to use her appeal
'Cause now all you hear is the squeal of the wheels
Of her super-nice over-priced automobile, yeah
She's makin my heart beat
Jumpin' at every turn
A hundred miles an hour, yeah
Like she's got money to burn
Whoa, she's an overnight sensation
Oh yeah, she knows her way around
Won't waste time on conversation
Gonna take ya right down
Down to Shakeytown
Ya' know she took me honky-tonkin'
Out on the Westside Drive
Whe was star at the monkey bar
And I was social suicide
And now she's off in a corner
With a Hollywood wheel
Lookin' to hook a development deal for
Fifty grand, honey, and all she can steal
She got the hang of the fast life
She gets thte parts that don't speak
She introduce me to jack-knife
That's her agent this week
Whoa, she's an overnight sensation
Oh yeah, she knows her way around
Won't waste time on conversation
Gonna take ya right down
Down to Shakeytown
She will take you down
Take you all the way down
Down to Shakeytown
Got a Czech director, yeah
And her Italian camera man
Ya know they try to protect her
But she's doin' the best that she can
Whoa, she's an overnight sensation
Oh yeah, she knows her way around
Won't waste time on conversation
Gonna take ya right down
Down to Shakeytown
She will take you down
Take you all the way down
Down to Shakeytown
She will take you down
Take you all the way down
Down to Shakeytown

[Macavity]

rearrange your head with smoke filled lies.

That's nastier, more internal,and connects to the era. I like the addition of the coffee - lacing the brain with caffeine.

Option:

There’s no such thing as a free pink pussycat
in your bed. She’ll strip you clean,
dance you round and when she’s done

Alternatively cut the 'in your bed' as suggested (the censor would have cut it!)

Another suggestion:

Don’t stay to drink the coffee
just get out of there and drive.

Perhaps a 1938 Plymouth P6 Deluxe Business Coupe :
http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=1938+P ... 0QX2raGGDw

I think you've got the voice perfect.

mac

[David]

Yes, I think that's better too. And it was already pretty good.

[Oskar]

Thank you for the careful read, mac.

I was reluctant to sacrifice the smoke filled lies line, for the reason you have given, but I think S2 works better overall without it. For the greater good, and all that.

Dropping in your bed down to the line below works well for me. Appreciated.

Classy looking automobile btw! I like it.

Cheers, David. Glad you think it's been taken up a notch.

[Antcliff]

Did like this Oskar...very noir...I can hear the saxaphone playing.

in disguise
and in your dreams.


Seth

[Macavity]

According to these people its the motor Bogart drove in the Big Sleep:

http://www.thefedoralounge.com/showthre ... Sleep-quot

mac