Trap of Death

[Ron63]

(2nd version - note title change)

PRIMEVAL TACTICS

Spinning for spoils
with crafts of cunning,
an ambush is set;
taut and finely tuned
like a fisherman with a net
at the ready,

Poised, with twitchy legs
fused on filaments,
expectation builds
for the quiver of silver…

Strands vibrate, adrenalin on fire,
faster than a flash
she towers over meaty expire
as the captive strains to escape.

A death coat, spun,
and trapped within
the catch is hauled back to the den
and consumed, then discarded
like a used, empty tin.



********************************************

(Ist version)

In the rapids of life,
lurks a small population
of fine net makers
with a craft so capable
you can hardly see the ties
in their netting.

Spinning for spoils
with crafts of cunning,
an ambush is set;
taut and finely tuned
like a fisherman
with a rod at the ready,
poised for a catch.

Her twitchy legs
clasp the line
as she waits…

and waits…

for the quiver of a thread.

A rush of chemicals
race through her body
when the trap vibrates,
and faster than a flash
she towers over her meal
with eight eyes palpitating
as the fly flaps
and wriggles to escape.

Confinement
is more secure than Alcatraz
when a death cocoon is spun
that binds the prisoner
tighter than a straightjacket.

Immovable within,
the catch is carried back to the hole
and consumed,
then discarded
like an empty food packet.

[BenJohnson]

Hi Ron,

For me the poem ends here 'as she waits…', you have built up a certain mystery in the first two verse and revealed it at this point, anything beyond that feels like food for another poem.

[Ron63]

Hi Ron,

For me the poem ends here 'as she waits…', you have built up a certain mystery in the first two verse and revealed it at this point, anything beyond that feels like food for another poem.

What about splitting it as scene I and scene II?

[Tim Love]

I had the same feelings as Ben, except that I didn't see much worth re-using from the 2nd part of the poem. I don't know how best to exploit the first half. I don't think it can stand alone. I think I'd double or treble the line-lengths.

[ray miller]

Hello Ron. I enjoyed the poem, first half more than second. Opening line is good. I'd lose the last line in the first two verses. Straightjacket is one word.

[Zorro]

Hi Ron

I enjoyed this - lots of vivid images bringing the scene to life. But (only a small but) the line "she tower's over meaty expire" doesn't work for me and needs tweaking I think - and is the apostrophe right?

[Ron63]

Hi Ron

I enjoyed this - lots of vivid images bringing the scene to life. But (only a small but) the line "she tower's over meaty expire" doesn't work for me and needs tweaking I think - and is the apostrophe right?

Thanks for reading. Your are right of course, the apostrophe shouldn't be there - now corrected. As for meaty expire, I have been wondering about that. It seemed ok at the time of posting, but now, I'm not so sure. I shall have to think more on that one.

[John G]

for the first stanza, i think it works best without the "at the ready", for me it just stifled the flow.


that being said, really enjoyed the last stanza, thumbs up etc