I'm hoping you might see this and help me out a bit.
Well, I'm happy to try, but I'll probably end up by confusing you even more.
I liked v1, and still do. My original complaint was about the extended gaps between words, which can be effective when they support or enhance an image, but they (like enjambment) are more often misused or overdone. Here, they struck me as merely whimsical, an overt attempt to poeticise. Yes, I realised (or assumed) that the technique was being used in the tide section to visually capture swimming/floating but - for me - it was distracting and unnecessary. However, the language, rhythm, narrative pacing etc., are all pretty good, I'd say, especially the start, which has a sense of drama about it, as well as a sense of intrigue, which gives the piece an important early momentum.
V2 is far from a disaster, and has its own charm. For me, though, it's weaker. The drama is lost from the beginning and (as I've said) the slightly worn phrases (sardonically meant, perhaps, but I'm not sure that's clear) don't inspire. Overall, the poem loses it's pleasingly dark tone and punchy narrative form in favour of an altogether less assertive presentation.
As to the prayer thing, others may think differently, but I think the title sets an expectation which is unfulfilled. Besides, I can think of titles which, to my mind, would be much better. It's worth emphasising that I'm often a lone voice, though - I strongly advise against acting on my advice. He said, paradoxically.