El Cristo

[James Major]

El Cristo
--local nickname for,‘El Diario de Cádiz’

The Cádiz daily broadsheet—
now defunct.
Those wags, at least, knew well enough
to name it right.

Bright mornings you’d find him
everywhere, arms asunder—
one with that familiar
tilt of the head keeping
tabs on what had come to pass

for news: another grim-mouthed,
eyes rolled to high heaven.
You could always count
on the lonely and forsaken
to never let you down,

poised there last in line
for the bus— too nonchalant
scanning the personals
for that one response
they knew would never come.

[Antcliff]

Hi James.
quick thought...if I have understood this...do you need "for news" after "come to pass"?
Not sure, but thought I'd ask.
best
ant

[David]

There's lots about this that I like, but the hims and the thems confused me. In S2 I could see - I thought - a newspaper vendor in a Christ-like posture, but then some more came along. It's just staying tantalisingly out of focus for me at the moment. Just me being thick, most likely.

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

Just a drive-by James as I'm on the phone, but wanted to suggest dropping the 1st stanza. The first sentence is exposition and could be covered in the title. The second is an editorial which I think you need to earn. Did images of JC appear regularly in the paper's pages? That's how I'm understanding it. Also, being English, broadsheet suggests to me a more middle class readership, but the poem suggests, to me at least, that the readers are of a lower class ... My read could be off. Will be back.

B.

[James Major]

I may have posted this too soon-- confusion and uncertainty are sure signs that something is not working.

Seth
No, I don't need,"for news", it's a playful enjambment. I'll have a think about it.

David
Curious why you thought they were vendors, and not just people reading the paper. Knowing you are far from thick means your uncertainty is wholly caused by the poem.

Brian
See what you mean by L1: that repeat of Cadiz wasn't sitting well with me. L2 refers directly to the nickname, a nickname that is fairly representative of the irreverent, black humour of Gaditanos. It also plays with the ultimate fate of the paper and the big man.
Broadsheet is a format-- knowledge of that is essential to understanding why it was given that nickname.

Thanks for commenting everyone-- really helpful perspectives.

Regards

[Mic]

Hi James,

"No, I don't need,"for news", it's a playful enjambment. I'll have a think about it."

I got that, and liked it (had been meaning to post and say so).

You write well, and I had a sense of promise in these lines as I was reading. I think, however, and as you have said, there is some confusion in it still that is hiding the poem's light.

Brian has drawn attention to the opening lines, and I agree - for me they were a bit of a roadblock into the poem - something to do with the incomplete sentence that it opens with, perhaps...

Despite what is 'wrong' with this piece, or rather what is not quite working yet, the voice is intriguing, compelling.

Mic

[brianedwards]

Thumbs up here on that enjambment too. A highlight for me.

B.

[David]

David
Curious why you thought they were vendors, and not just people reading the paper.

I don't know. I think it's just because the first image - somehow - said "vendor" to me so vividly that it sort of overwhelmed my reading of the rest of the poem. Which is very good, especially now that I've recalibrated my reading of it.

[James Major]

Mic
Yes, I think Brian is right. I'd like to keep L2-- but will incorporate L1 into the title. S4 needs a bit of work too. It's a first draft, so it may morph into something completely different.

Thanks for your feedback.

Good to hear the enjambment is working for you both. I was surprised Seth tripped up on it-- well disappointed, as I quite like it myself.

David
Perhaps I can do something to dispel confusion over who,"him" is.
Glad you liked it.

[Antcliff]

Hi James,
O I like the enjambment, with the (intended I assume) feeling of the eyes reading the news from one side of sheet to next. But my thought was that - since it is strictly redundant in terms of info - might it be an idea to use the excellent trick and pass the eyes to something more specific on the page than "the news".
Just a thought,
liked it I must say.
Seth

[James Major]

Seth
The enjambment plays with slightly biblical language-- had come to pass-- a reflection on the fate of both, and a critique of the significance of what now is news. There is a hubristic tone also. Perhaps I'm trying to do too many things at once.

Regards

[brianedwards]

James, reading again I really find the second sentence an obstacle. Who are the wags, and who is this speaker that defines them as so? Just think it establishes a viewpoint too early, thus (over) manipulating the reader's take on what follows.

B.

[brianedwards]

And without wishing to sound too pushy: that enjanbment is excellent. Nixing it would be a great loss to the poem.

B.

[Antcliff]

James,

righto..no probably not doing too much..I'm just slow..but then I wonder whether it might it not be worth being a teensy bit more explicit and saying The Good News (or something close) if there is a play on news/the good news aka the gospel. (To go back to your critique of significance point). Just pondering.


best
seth

[James Major]

I see your point, Brian, and you might be right. Fears of unfamiliarity with the paper, the Gaditano humour, had me feeling I needed to telegraph, or at least contextualize. That line does allow for certain conclusions a reader might otherwise not get about N's perspective. There is a recognition of the harsh reality that underpins all humour. Those wags are, of course, the anonymous people who gave the nickname in the first place. You seem set against it,and I'll take that into consideration with the rewrite.
Regards

[James Major]

Seth
No, I don't want explicit references. News of your own death and then how its importance diminishes with time to be replaced by less than earth-shattering headlines is more my thrust here.
Regards

[Wilcken]

Hello James -

First on the enjambment. It's really my favorite part of the piece. I don't know about the angle or credibility of this particular newspaper, and my Spanish is not up to scratch for me to venture a guess based on what I could find, but I love the idea of a masthead that would run counter to the NY Times' "All the news that's fit to print." I think "What has come to pass for news" is just about right.

That said, and again as a reader unfamiliar with the significance of El Diario de Cádiz, the title and it's definition and repetition in the first line sets up a heavy expectation that a particular point will be made about this particular publication, and I'm not quite getting that here.

What I do I pick up is the editorial comment about the editors as "wags," which leads me to the assumption that the newspaper is purely trash along the lines of tabloids that often go by the names like The Star or The Sun. In this case, The Christ, taking it to another level, a daily religious routine.

I get an image of common folk going about their business. The "familiar tilt" is nice in that description.

The pronouns cause me a problem as well, as I'm not sure what is at the crux of this. There are common folk going about their business as they read the paper. The "familiar tilt" fits nicely in that description. The eyes rolling also makes sense though harder to imagine as an observable facial expression in public. The third are the lonely hearts described as "too nonchalant," which I think might be a bit shy of hitting the mark here, even if I get it, the way people try to act cool to cover up their desperation.

The lonely ones do bring up an interesting point for me though, that being the need people have to feel a connection to the world, and in seeking that connection we read the news and talk about the weather. If that's what you're after here, the personal ads punctuate that point nicely.

I dunno, those are some of my thoughts for you to consider.

Wilcken

[James Major]

Thanks, Wilcken

Posted too soon. I've got some good ingredients, need to think on improving the recipe.

Regards