Label

[nar]

that little corner
he ripped from
her designer label
marks her; his

to distinguish her
from other's and
others, when the bar can't
tell who's is whose

ripping off
a strip of
damp unhinged label
from San Miguel?

that ought to feel different

- Neil

[Alucinary]

Neil,

In an odd kind of way I liked this - it seemed rather hard to read the first time around but after that much easier and nicer... I didn't grasp the right kind of label first time around and I don't think I found the right rhythm but in the second reading I had fun with the her; his, other's and others and who's is whose - shame there wasn't another for S3

Some clever words I thought, just a pity I didn't catch on first time.

Alucinary.

[Antcliff]

Hi Neil

If I have got this...there is a she. And the last is a wry comment.
If so, 1+ (to employ your marking scheme)
Ant

[Arian]

Sorry, neil - unusually for your work, this one has lost me almost completely, though I like the promise of s1.
No doubt I'm missing an obvious point.

I did make some vome vague connection, though - "he" seems to have my (annoying) compulsion to pick at the damp and loosening corners of beer bottle labels.

Cheers
peter

[Nicky B]

Nar,

I think it's partly the punctuation. Do you mean a semi-colon? Could you use a hyphen - , or even nothing. I've put in some full stops and caps - just playing, feel free to ignore.....

That little corner
he ripped from
her designer label
marks her his.

To distinguish her
from other's and
others, when the bar can't
tell who's is whose.

Ripping off
a strip of
damp unhinged label
from San Miguel?

that ought to feel different

I really liked other's and others and whose and who's - very clever. Wasn't sure about unhinged. Or about why it ought to feel different. But I did like the mixed-up-ness of the women and the bottle, and presumably of course the link between peeling off beer labels and not getting any. It's a neat idea - perhaps just needs to be a bit clearer.

Hope that's some help,

Nicky B.

[twoleftfeet]

I love the ambiguity of "label" here, Neil,

but I can't help feeling that S2 is confusing the reader (well, at least this reader) unnecessarily, since the difference between
who's/whose and others/other's can only be seen on the page but not heard.
Besides I think that, with these, you might be on thin ice, grammatically speaking.

Geoff

[RichardSanders]

Hi,

I liked this one from the first read.
I did have to get used to the choice of linebreaks but I do see why you chose them so.
It works.
I love the analogy between labels in clothes and on labels people.
Your last line is genius in that respect.
And the discussion about who's and whose...
Not to reduce the value of other's opinions but... So what if folks need to think about what they hear.
I wouldn't change a thing.

At least that's my opinion, for all it's worth.

Kindest,
Richard

[Lake]

A deft little poem. A brain teaser to me, but enjoyed the word play as always.

Lake