-----telly, telly, tellyNicky B wrote:There was no mention of superpowers
in your will,
no bequeathing of flight or x-ray vision.
Home alone now and there’s no one
to share the air,
no fragments of you floating in this blue,
and with every single sterile breath ----- I try to avoid using adjectives where possible. They bog down the amazing work that nouns and verbs can do.
I seem to swell
increasingly transparent with grief. ------------ It is probably an annoying thing to say, but this is a bit 'telly' - if you could avoid direct mention of grief and loss, I think the poem would be stronger
A hideous lampoon of a party balloon ------------ don't like this at all
causing distant fascination,
but invisible at close quarters,
as if words alone would rupture
my diaphanous shell
releasing a barrage of fetid loss, -------- too 'telly' again I think.
streaming onto their shoes and trouser cuffs ---- this stanza works better - all those verbs doing good work.
which they’d rush
and wipe clean, to stop the spread.
They have no reason to fear, I cannot burst,
and even if I did,
they would find me quite hollow inside.
dragonfly wrote:I do wonder if you need that third stanza, if there might still be a logical progression without it.
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