Camera Angle

[JohnLott]

The scene I like best is the
shot over the shoulder of the
narrow hipped stranger
as the sun sets in the west.

The camera lingers awhile
on his clenched butt cheeks
while his girl takes a peek
from behind the upstairs curtain;

Then pans
to a whimsical smile
on the lips of the ace
who knows life is not certain;

Then pans
to the grimace
on the face of the baddie
who wouldn’t be here had he
listened to his mother.

Then the gunshots and the smoke
and we hear a choke
and a rasp while the heroine
gives a gasp and

the camera meanders
finally falling to the sand

[OwenEdwards]

John, this feels a little posey. There's something in it aiming (intentionally or otherwise) for northern flatness, ala Armitage or Paterson. I don't think it quite comes off.

I like the choice the genre described/pastiched - I love Westerns. The actual description is accurate, but not especially gripping. The best moment - and the most cinematic - was the at the end:

the camera meanders
finally falling to the sand

[twoleftfeet]

John,

This amused me, but I must admit that I don't understand the ending - did they shoot the cameraman?

"Life is not certain" might be better, perhaps, as "life is uncertain"?

Then the gunshots and the smoke
and we hear a choke
and a rasp while the heroine
gives a gasp and

- this stanza isn't as tight as the others.

Enjoyed
Geoff

[JohnLott]

Thanks for the read Owen, Geoff.

A light swipe at the set pieces.

And who gets shot?
We can't disclose all the answers can we.



J.

[ray miller]

I liked much of this, John. I'd like it better without "the" ending the first 2 lines, if Then wasn't capitalised twice and if the end came together like this

Then the gunshots and the smoke
and we hear a choke
and a rasp while the heroine gasps
and the camera falls to the sand

on the lips of the ace is nice

[Arian]

What I really like about this John, isn't so much the final product, which I think (though an excellent idea) is ultimately a tad empty of comment or insight, but the way you're trying to make your pieces a pleasure to read (with no little success), using poetic devices such as assonance and embedded rhyme (or pararhyme).

You use end-rhymes such as cheeks/peek, baddie/had he, smoke/choke quite well, in an unforced way, but - to me - one of the most powerful techniques (often ignored or badly used) in modern poetry is embedded rhyme, which you do very well with best/west, grimace/face, rasp/grasp etc.

The penultimate stanza is, to my ear, very good indeed.

Despite these positives, though, I personally feel that the piece as a whole flatters to deceive - there's a sense of the absurd in there, which is good, but no commitment (to a viewpoint) from the poet...he said, perhaps pretentiously.

But I think I know what I mean, even if you don't.

Cheers
peter

[JohnLott]

Thanks Ray and Peter.

Ray, I'll see what I can do to tidy up on 'The'

Peter, you are right in that this is applying learned techniques. It is light, yes, but it does suggest that behind every dramatised centrepiece there is mundane.



J.

[Moth]

I don't like Westerns but I did enjoy reading this. A clever, tongue-in-cheek take on the formulaic way these films were often made which flowed well. No suggestions by way of improvement except maybe 'there' instead of 'here' in the verse about the baddie.

[JohnLott]

Thanks Moth.
I did try to capture the 'formula'
I had fun doing it.



J.