The Puzzle - Yan Ailin

[Lake]

(Facing a natural disaster, I can't find any words to say. So I translated this poem...)

The Puzzle
An Elegy for the 921 Earthquake Victims

That night, I was doing a jigsaw puzzle in the living room.
It was getting late, but there was still a lot unfinished.
I thought that I could just wait till the Mid Autumn Festival
when sister came home, then we could finish it together.

Who was rocking me?
I was grown up, and fast asleep.
Who was rocking me into a deeper sleep?

I slept for a long time,
and the day never broke;
but I heard my sister, outside, crying:
“Brother, where are you?”

Then I dreamt
father and I had become two pieces of the puzzle,
lying outside the twisted, deformed frame,
no one ever put us back home
where the pieces were missing.

〈拼圖〉，顏艾琳
以此詩弔念九二一地震的受難者：

那一夜，在客廳玩拼圖
時間越來越晚，版圖還那麼大，
我想，等中秋節時
姊姊回家，再一起完成。

是誰在搖我？
我已經長大了，而且睡著
是誰將我搖入更深沉的眠睡中？

我睡了很久，
天一直沒亮；
但我聽到姊姊在門外喊
「弟弟，你在哪裡？」

然後我夢見，
自己和爸爸變成兩片拼圖，
躺在扭曲變形的圖框外，
沒有人將我們，
放回「家」的缺塊中。


The 921 earthquake was a 7.3 Ms or 7.6 Mw earthquake which occurred at 01:47:12 am local time (17:47:12 pm UTC) on Tuesday, 21 September, 1999 in Taiwan. 2,415 people were killed, 11,305 injured, and NT$300 billion (US$10 billion) worth of damage was done. It was the second-deadliest quake in recorded history in Taiwan.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, Lake

Wonderful poem.

The opening line isn't working for me:
That night, I was playing puzzle in the living room.
- I've never heard the expression "playing puzzle". I g000gled it, out of interest, and got a YOUTUBE clip of someone
playing a computer game.
I would be tempted to say something like "I was doing a jigsaw puzzle" ( - bear in mind that I haven't done a jigsaw puzzle
since I was a toddler and I don't have the patience for such a pointless exercise )

but I heard my sister crying out outside the door:
“Brother, where are you?”
- here, I think the 2 adjacent "out"s sounds odd, plus "outside" implies some kind of container ie. the house or a room.
Perhaps "crying out from behind the door"
or "crying out from the other side of the door"
or simply "I heard my sister, outside, crying.."

Is the door crucial?
Does it imply "locked out/shut out"?
If so maybe "I heard my sister, locked out, crying.."

Nice work
Geoff

[Lake]

Hi Geoff,

You spotted the two places I was not quite sure of.

I have never completed a single puzzle in my life either, so I couldn't think of a proper verb for "playing" the game. Now, I'll just take your expression, "was doing a jigsaw puzzle".

That "out" in "crying out" was later added by me, and it does sound odd with "outside" next to it . I like "I heard my sister, outside, crying".

"the door", if I understand it correctly, implies the father and the brother were trapped in the rubble and the sister was outside of it?

Thanks as always.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Geoff,

You spotted the two places I was not quite sure of.

I have never completed a single puzzle in my life either, so I couldn't think of a proper verb for "playing" the game. Now, I'll just take your expression, "was doing a jigsaw puzzle".

That "out" in "crying out" was later added by me, and it does sound odd with "outside" next to it . I like "I heard my sister, outside, crying".

"the door", if I understand it correctly, implies the father and the brother were trapped in the rubble and the sister was outside of it?

Thanks as always.

Lake

Hi again, Lake

Of course! How dumb of me - I GOT IT THE WRONG WAY ROUND!

[David]

Hi Lake, this is a well-chosen response.

I think still and yet mean the same thing. And maybe "two pieces of the puzzle".

The last line - "where the pieces were missing" - seems a bit vague to me. But ...

Wonderful poem.

I agree.

Cheers

David

[Lake]

Thanks David. I removed "yet" and added "the" as you suggested.
It is very rough, there must be a lot that I have missed.

The last line, I was trying to say no one puts us back into the place where the missing pieces should be, where our home is.
I had hard time to express it clearly. If you have anything better, please let me know.

Thank you very much.

Lake

[Shi Tong]

Hello Lake,

I've been posting some of my small efforts in the beginner's post a poem section.. and just found this! It's great because I'm a Chinese learner (been doing so for 9 years), and it's nice to see this great translation of a modern Chinese poem. I'll make sure I keep coming back to see some new things, and I might actually be able to offer critisism to you.. based on the fact I can actually read the Chinese content

Anyway.. I like this poem, thanks!!

lake， 你好，

我最近開始在初學者的論壇寫了一些爛詩， 然後遇到這邊！ 這樣找到這個論壇很好啦，因為我是中文的學生 （已經學九年的中文了- 自學）， 看到你翻譯這首現代的中文詩。 我一定會常來看你的新作品， 然後有可能真的會幫助因為那首詩我大部份看的懂。 ：）

[oggiesnr]

I love this poem but stanza one seems clumsy, still thinking about that.

However, should "brother" be "younger brother"?

In the final stanza would "two jigsaw pieces" keep the flow and relate better to the opening line?

All the best

Steve

[Lake]

我最近開始在初學者的論壇寫了一些爛詩， 然後有可能真的會幫助因為那首詩我大部份看的懂。 ：）

Hi Shi Tong,

寫了一些爛詩? You are too modest.

Looking forward to your help.

Lake

[Lake]

I love this poem but stanza one seems clumsy, still thinking about that.

However, should "brother" be "younger brother"?

In the final stanza would "two jigsaw pieces" keep the flow and relate better to the opening line?

All the best

Steve

Hi Steve,

Glad you came and shared your thoughts with me.

You have sharp eyes. I agree with all you said.

Yes, S1 is clumsy, and the lines are too long. But I can't shorten it without loosing some details. Unless rewrite it from the translation and disregard the number of lines? Please help.

Yes, it should be "younger brother". Then should it be "elder/older sister"? Or it doesn't need to since "younger brother" implies that his sister is older than him. In our language we have different forms of address for brothers and sisters without adding those "prefixes" For example dì dì for younger brother, gē gē for older brother, meì meì for younger sister, jiě jiě for older sister. And of course the address to uncles and aunts and grandparens on father's side is distingquishable from that on mather's side. Do you use younger/older all the time?

"In the final stanza would "two jigsaw pieces" keep the flow and relate better to the opening line?"

Yes, again and good point. It's just that it is not there in the original.

Very much appreciated. Will take time working on S1.

Lake

[Lake]

And I will post another one for you to criticize.

[oggiesnr]

I keep returning to this because of stanza 1 and the same problem keeps rearing it's head, to what extent should the verse lengths etc of the original inform the translation?

Whilst it appears clumsy, S1 is just about impossible to precis, so is it only clumsy in relation to stanzas two to four? Is it permissable to condense the three stanzas down to two which would give a western poem of three four line stanzas which would give the poem more balance?

Still thinking, what does anyone else think?

Steve

[Lake]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for coming back to it. I re-read the original and found I have to agree with you that the first stanza doesn't sound poetic, not even in the original. It reads like a background story before it gets to the good parts. I like the metaphor "jigsaw puzzle" in the poem, but I don't know how to make stanza 1 poetic.

Translation is also a creative work, I'd love to read your westernized translation.

Best,

Lake

[JohnLott]

Hello Lake

I think this works well until the end. To me that is a litle clumsy:

Perhaps it works if you relate the pieces to the puzzle and not the home:

Then I dreamt
father and I had become two pieces of the puzzle,
lying outside the twisted, deformed frame,
no one came to put us in the spaces
from whence we (both) came.
?



J.

[Lake]

Hello John,

The ending really puzzled me a lot, I tried a few times to put the pieces back but apparently they don't sit quite comfortably.

I think the pieces refered to "I" and "Father", and the empty space (I like your word) is the home where the the pieces should be placed.

Still thinking.

Thanks much.

Lake