Mr. P. ordered his thoughts

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
John G
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 826
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
antispam: no
Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire

Mr. P. ordered his thoughts

Post by John G » Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:44 pm

a) the subscriptions needed cancelling
b) payments are due
c) anniversaries must be remembered

He read the news,
“teen mothers receive cancer scares prognosis
via postcard”

He couldn’t recall the missing scenes,
He was reading American poetry on the top of a bus
where the graffiti stank.

Extracts from his diary.
would be found,

“the last Roman left this land, amongst artifacts buried.
were found….”

It trailed off but it would be funny if this was all an experiment.
He thought,
but how big the microscope
how clean the laboratory?”

He possibly wrote it on auto-pilot
He possibly never wrote any of this at all.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1326
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:35 pm
Location: Devon

Re: Mr. P. ordered his thoughts

Post by JohnLott » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:19 pm

Hello John G

Can I say - oh I have - that I don't understand this?

Is Mr P the North London Artist?

And if he didn't write it at all, why can I read it?


Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: Mr. P. ordered his thoughts

Post by Arian » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:31 pm

Hi John

there may be the germ of a nice idea here, but it's impossible to tell how you intend the piece to be read because the punctuation is, well, odd just doesn't say it.

Could you clean it up? I'll have another look then.

Last edited by Arian on Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 637
Joined: Sat Mar 06, 2010 12:52 pm

Re: Mr. P. ordered his thoughts

Post by clarabow » Fri Mar 18, 2011 6:34 am

I wonder if you need a, b, and c, as the list sort of works without. I think teen mothers should be singular or you need poastcardS, and sigular would be more effective. Yes, you need to be consistent re punctuation but for me a minor detail. I am intrigued by this, but maybe the problem is it needs more of a begin, middle and conclusion to satisfy the reader. Otherwise it seems like disconnected lines. I would work on this as I like ambiguity.

Post Reply