Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Any closet novelists, short story writers, script-writers or prose poets out there?
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Post by barrie » Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:21 am

He felt warm now, safe. Past events were emerging and the growing links between them presented a picture that became more focussed by the minute. Those pricks at the shop, he'd gone there to pick up an old journal from them, he'd agreed on a price previously - the lump, he recollected, was pure opium, just a sweetener thrown in by the man he was working for. He struggled to recollect his name.

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Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Apr 25, 2006 8:51 am

It was coming to him - an image of a scary, barn-door-size guy with a ridiculously inappropriate name - you had to bite your lip so as not to laugh, because Lo Fat wasn't known for his sense of humour.
Last edited by twoleftfeet on Tue Apr 25, 2006 11:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by cameron » Tue Apr 25, 2006 11:33 am

In fact, the guy's real name was Poly Unsaturated-Fatty-Acids but he had opted for the op in 2005. Unfortunately, as a result of the surgery, he had developed a gland disorder which meant that his weight had ballooned up to 26 stone. This had advantages in his line of work though as he could now suffocate a man in 30 seconds using his bingo-wings.

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Post by barrie » Wed May 17, 2006 12:01 pm

Then in walked the colonel in full uniform, and in his loud, Eton cultivated voice shouted,

"This is getting too silly and it must stop. Many of my best friends are called Poly Unsaturated Fatty-Acids and only three of them are 26 stone!
It's time we got back to reality and woke up....woke up ....woke up...up..."

Harry slowly opened his eyes.

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Post by twoleftfeet » Wed May 24, 2006 2:50 pm

Dr Burgermeister was standing over him, his gaze switching back and
forth from Harry's face to the clock on the wall above the door.

"What were you saying about Lo Fat?" he whispered. Harry had never seen him rattled like this before.

The door opened.
"Yes, Harry" said the voice of the hulk that filled the door-frame.
"What were you saying about me?"

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Post by cameron » Fri May 26, 2006 8:52 am

Lo Fat entered Dr Burgermeister's consulting room - his great size obscuring the light from the doorway. He hoisted a battered Sainsbury's carrier bag and laid it gently on the psychiatrist's desk. Then from inside the bag he pulled out an old leather bound book.

"I believe this is what you're looking for," he said staring directly at Harry, holding the book aloft.

"The journal!"

"Yes, many people have died because of this book."

"Fascinating," said Dr Burgermeister. "What's it about?"

Lo Fat pushed the door shut behind him and moved closer to the table.

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Post by Jester » Sun Aug 06, 2006 9:50 am

"It reveals the secret formula for turning fat into gold," he said.

Burgermeister was astounded. "What are we going to do about all those songs where women are going on about shaking their booty? It could be disasterous - a mass like that with the density of gold would be like a wrecking ball to everything in its path."

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Post by barrie » Sun Aug 06, 2006 4:40 pm

"I think you are missing the whole point, gentlemen" said Harry, "If this were to fall into the wrong hands the world's gold reserve would be rendered worthless, the global economy would be ruined. Diamonds would replace gold...Aha!" cried Harry,"Is that really A German accent 'Herr' Burgermeister or just disguised Afrikaan?" We all know who would benefit don't we.... Mr de Vere?

Dr. Burgermeister/ de Vere grabbed the book and tried to reach the door.
Last edited by barrie on Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by TilDeathOverTakesMe » Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:01 pm

Herr Doktor ran for a moment on the spot, blinded by adrenaline to the fact that monsterous Lo Fat had grabbed hold of his clothing. But now he tried for an even more effortsome break from the room, this time motivated by fear rather than oppurtunism. His shirt ripped loudly from his back, revealing his sickly thin figure, and he flew forward through the door, tumbling through a short corridor and down the adjacent stairs on his jutting bones.

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Post by barrie » Sun Aug 20, 2006 4:05 pm

Harry and the giant Chinaman looked at each other for a split second before Harry rushed past him and leapt down the stairs to where de Vere lay dead - an old skinfull of broken bones.

"Lo Fat," Harry shouted, "the bloody journal, it's not here!"

The Chinaman slowly descended the stairs.

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Post by Jester » Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:22 pm

"It's going to be fine, Harry." Lo Fat grinned, "Do you really think I'd turn up here with the real formula?"
Harry's gaze was still fixed on DeVere's broken body. "I don't think it was the fall that killed him."
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

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Post by barrie » Mon Oct 30, 2006 7:37 pm

"No," said Lo Fat grimly, "it was the bloody landing - boom, boom!"

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Post by Jester » Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:10 pm

His face took on a Buddha-like grin as he waved a piece of tatty paper at Harry.
"We're rich, Harry. Just leave DeVere there - he's all skin and bone anyway. Let's get our arses down to the liposuction clinic."
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

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Post by cameron » Tue Nov 07, 2006 9:55 am

"This is amazing," said Harry. "When I woke up this morning I was lying in a gutter in the street in Manchester with a cracking headache, wondering who i was and now I'm standing here with an oversized Chinese doorman, a dead German/African psychiatrist and a piece of paper bearing the secret of turning fat into gold. Rumpelstiltskin eat your heart out!"

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Post by cameron » Tue Nov 07, 2006 3:41 pm

At the liposuction clinic, the electric doors slid open smoothly and Harry and Lo Fat entered the building. Behind the shiny steel reception desk sat a young woman who had obviously spent too long under the sun lamps; her skin was bright orange.

"How may I help you?" she said in a squeaky, sing-song voice.

"We need all of your spare fat," said Harry.

"Our spare fat?"

"Yes, your spare fat. And we need it now!"

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Post by Jester » Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:54 am

"Look at my body." replied the receptionist. "Do you think there's an ounce of spare fat on it?"

Lo Fat groaned. "The fat you remove from your patients, sirry irroit!"


"There's no need to take that tone, oh bloated one. You've got no chance of getting hold of any of our fat. Since the ban on whaling we've been selling it to the Eskimos. It's worth more than gold to those cold boys. You should get yourself over to Alaska - you'd be worth a fortune!"
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

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Post by cameron » Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:45 am

"This is getting us nowhere," said Harry. "I want to speak to the organ grinder."

"Oh, you mean Dr Followill who does the penis enlargements?"

"You do penis enlargements here?"

"Oh yes, they're very popular.

The receptionist handed Harry a glossy brouchure and opened it for him at page 12.

"Good Lord!" said Harry.

"Good rord!" echoed Lo Fat, peeering over his shoulder.

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Post by Jester » Sat Nov 11, 2006 11:36 am

Dr. Followill had entered the room whilst Harry and Lo Fat stood transfixed by the image in the brochure.

"Yes," he said, "I've been experimenting with matching donkey tissue to humans for years. The chap in the brochure was very pleased, but there were a few unexpected side effects. He gets a hard on every time he drives past a stable, and has to pull over because he can't see where he's going."

"It's not that unusual!" retorted Harry with a blush, "A friend of mine knew someone who found donkeys very attractive. I've also seen numerous attractive women making love with donkeys - and they always look satisfied to say the least. I don't see any problems."
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

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Post by Jester » Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:16 pm

"Shut up you brivvering irriot." shrieked Lo Fat. "We should be cerebrating".

Harry snapped out of his fantasy and saw Lo Fat and Followill grinning knowingly. "It was someone that my friend knew...honest."
Last edited by Jester on Fri Nov 24, 2006 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by cameron » Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:53 am

"Never mind about the donkey dongs, I understand that you're in the market for some serious fat," said Dr Followill, glancing furtively over his shoulder.
"Yes, that's right," said Harry.
"Well, I might be able to cut you a deal."
The thought of Dr Followill cutting anything made Harry feel a bit faint.
"Come with me," said Dr Followill, beckoning them forward.

Harry and Lo fat followed Dr F across the central reception area to a small re-inforced metal door tucked away next to a stainless steel staircase. To the left of the door was a number code punch and just below the words: Blubber Chamber. Dr F punched in the code without looking at the key pad and the door to the Blubber Chamber hissed slowly open. Harry and Lo Fat couldn't believe their eyes.

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Re: Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Post by barrie » Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:29 am

Harry knew that his eyes couldn't be believed, they were congenital liars, the pair of them. Ever since they had been children together, the art of deception had been honed to a fine edge. But now was the time to end this charade, time to stop being led by a couple of lying orbs that turned his nose this way or that. He took out his penknife and flicked out the marlin spike, with a trembling hand he held it over his left eye.

"You'll lie no more!" cried Harry, and struck.

He awoke with a scream, blood tickling his face, clotting quickly in the hot sun. He shook his head and the offending crow beat a winged retreat. Where the hell was he? He tried to get up but soon realized that he was spread-eagled, staked out, totally helpless. Everything before had been a mental escape from this hot, futile reality. He resigned himself to a painful, waterless death as the sun shimmered his senses.

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Re: Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Post by Charles » Tue Aug 07, 2007 5:19 pm

He was delirious, certainly enough to recognize its charms. Harry wished that he could slip back into that lucid delirium and see the face of his wife, relive their courtship, recollect his son's infant visage - but no, instead even his dieing dreams would betray the ignominy of his person - even his public-school embarrassment of wetting the bed at the age of eleven would be preferable to recollections of his secret bestial voyeurism.

Harry was about to shut his eye again to the scene before him when the crow returned, seemingly understanding that Harry's assent to that carrion comfort would soon turn, for the crow, into comforting carrion. But it was more than that; the crow seemed to be staring at Harry with a look of deep, almost maternal care. Harry didn't trust his mind anymore than his eyes, but felt a gentle desire to die in the innocence of maddness.

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Re: Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Post by thoke » Wed Aug 29, 2007 3:33 pm

Harry's sister Sydney organised the funeral.

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Re: Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Post by exysbloodhound » Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:41 pm

Cold January swept the sleep from Harry's face, he grimaced in remembrance of the warmth that would have been holding him, shying from the love to let him be the protector. It was Harry, more than anyone else in the world, who's mind gnawed for the warmth of her comfort. Anywhere but here.
EXYSBLOODHOUND

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Re: Novel Writing Train - help tell Harry's story!

Post by Raisin » Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:35 pm

So clawing the sleep from his eyes, he stood up, and yawned. A strange cawing noise was coming from the rucksack at his side. Digging around, he produced a mobile phone. He stared at it, glancing around him as two giggling school girls scampered past, bursting in to laughter as whatever they found funny became too much to hold in. He glanced down.
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)

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