The Device to Root out Evil

Any closet novelists, short story writers, script-writers or prose poets out there?
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k-j
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The Device to Root out Evil

Post by k-j » Sat Jun 20, 2015 4:17 am

It had been raining for a long time, not in an unvarying way, but intermittently gently and pelting. Probably when I stretched one nude leg and one arm out of the front door to grab the newspaper off the porch I lingered a moment in the gray light listening to the drips plopping from the eaves and from the drooping leaves of the dogwood tree. Some drops would have got onto the paper and brought out the heavy scent of newsprint in a smear.

Image

On the other side of the inlet, we found ourselves standing under the Device to Root out Evil, not entirely by accident as it was one of my favorite places, especially on a rainy day. The never-ceasing rain fell on the sea and muted a float-plane which was just then lumbering, doggedly, into a sky imperishably gray. I had done the crossword which is how I know it was a Saturday. Our children I’m sure were jumping in puddles somewhere and there was the smell of our waterproofs and your rich hair and the soft delicate exterior of your ear.
fine words butter no parsnips

Moth
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Re: The Device to Root out Evil

Post by Moth » Sat Jun 20, 2015 12:27 pm

It's good to see some recent prose on here. I'm always a bit put off posting any of my own as it is very quiet. I almost said 'like the grave' but then thought better of it...

Question: is this intended as a stand-alone piece, an introduction to something longer or prose poetry? If it's the latter my suggestions probably won't help as you obviously know your poetry (and therefore what you're attempting here). But for now, and since it is posted in the prose section, I'll take it as a straight piece of prose.
It had been raining for a long time, not in an unvarying way, but intermittently gently and pelting.
I'd be inclined to cut the highlighted phrase as 'intermittently' tells you this anyway. It also serves to sharpen the sentence.
Probably when I stretched one nude leg and one arm out of the front door to grab the newspaper off the porch I lingered a moment in the gray light listening to the drips plopping from the eaves and from the drooping leaves of the dogwood tree. Some drops would have got onto the paper and brought out the heavy scent of newsprint in a smear.
Here, I question the use of 'probably' . N is unsure, yet he is very sure regarding the extent of the rain. Also why is he unsure? I expect the reason to be divulged at a later stage. Also the image of the stretched leg and arm doesn't quite come across as intended, more a rather comical balancing act, possibly 'bent one nude leg and stretched one arm'.

On the other side of the inlet, we found ourselves standing under the Device to Root out Evil, not entirely by accident as it was one of my favorite places, especially on a rainy day.
'We' is unexplained. N appears to start off alone, so I'm questioning if the other person/people are present physically or in his mind. The Device to Root out Evil also requires further explanation. What is it? (I'm disregarding the image for now). It hints at the futuristic, but nothing else does.
The never-ceasing rain fell on the sea and muted a float-plane which was just then lumbering, doggedly, into a sky imperishably gray.
'Gray' has already been used, therefore we know the colour of the sky and doesn't require reinforcement.
I had done the crossword which is how I know it was a Saturday. Our children I’m sure were jumping in puddles somewhere and there was the smell of our waterproofs and your rich hair and the soft delicate exterior of your ear.
All this is suggestive of an imaginary presence, which takes me back to the previous 'we', so additions, revisions should be placed around there. 'Done' the crossword, possibly 'completed' or 'started' as the phrase seems at odds with the overall tone of the piece.

Overall, some very nice language used and I understand the metaphors, it just requires a little more clarity near the start.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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