Just make sure

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camus
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Re: Just make sure

Post by camus » Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:32 pm

Yeh, really like the humour and flow to this.

On niggle, of course:

If the Narrator isn't you, which you'd surely be hard pushed to deny, then did you really "run over next door's cat." ? If so fair enough. If not I don't like it much, too common an error I think.

Other than that, really enjoyed this anti-lament.

cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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barrie
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Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:53 pm

Thanks Lake - I always wonder who the tears are really for - the dead or the living.

Thanks Kris - I guess you're right about the cat. Jac got me thinking about it with her comment, so you're both right. I'll lose the cat bit.

cheers

Barrie

It was next door's dog really.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

dedalus
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Re: Just make sure

Post by dedalus » Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:47 pm

No probs, man, just like you say!
Umm ... when's this going to be, any idea of the date?

Bren 8)

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barrie
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Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:05 pm

dedalus wrote:when's this going to be, any idea of the date?
- 8th February 2015. Don't ask me what time.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Just make sure

Post by dedalus » Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:43 pm

- 8th February 2015
Calendar cleared. Black tie on order. That's if I don't keel over before you. Bets??

D.

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Re: Just make sure

Post by thoke » Sat Aug 16, 2008 10:43 pm

This is great! A bullshit-free funeral.

I think the flow is disrupted at the end by "that there's", which I think should be "there is".

I don't think I'd change anything else, though. Strange that cutting through the crap like that can sound so endearing. Makes you sound like a right modest chap. I can see friends and family reading it out and welling up.

Ben

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barrie
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Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:02 am

dedalus wrote:Black tie on order.
- No black allowed - wear a green T-shirt.

Thanks Ben - You may be right, but I thinks it's a matter of taste here. I always speak using contractions and I usually write that way too.

...and when they feed me to the ground,
make sure that there's no scratching sound.
- I tried to finish off in iambic tetrameter (I've just looked that up!), so either will fit.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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marten
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Re: Just make sure

Post by marten » Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:05 pm

This is probably a not needed reply, saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I wasn't expecting the humor, as it flowed out naturally at the ending. Nothing more to say than that. Super!
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had
-Muddy Waters

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barrie
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Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:40 am

Thanks Marten - much appreciated.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Just make sure

Post by Oskar » Sat Jan 10, 2009 3:26 pm

BUMP.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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Re: Just make sure

Post by BenJohnson » Sat Jan 10, 2009 6:22 pm

Thanks for the bump Oskar, this has made a difference to the way I view this, green T-shirt on order in honour of a wonderful man, may he be remembered as he wants.

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Re: Just make sure

Post by Sharra » Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:24 am

It was good (?) to read this again, as Ben said, it has a whole new perspective now.
It also made me think about the discussion on the other board about whether we share our writing with our family. I thought what a tragedy it would have been if Barrie's family hadn't read his poems and they had just been buried with him. Maybe a lesson to us all?
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Just make sure

Post by Darky » Thu Jan 15, 2009 4:59 pm

I knew Barry in real life
He was a one off.
He would never hold back,
Nor give way to a fool
He was usually right.
An opinion to trust.
Nights when I needed to talk,
to someone sane,
Barry would get the call.
He would tell me to stop being a tit.
But he would still listen.
When he called at my house and I was out,
he always left a little mark,
pebbles in a B on my step
or a crytic message in Russian
rolled neatly through my keyhole.
Now I wish I had kept those things.
Even the pebbles,
and if
I ever get chance to decypher one of his messages
it would probably say
You daft pillock, storing pebbles in your pocket!





Thank you so much for this site, to hear Barrys poems and his feelings and to see his wants and wishes through his work is so beautiful. Although I knew him in real life, I think you people knew him far better, so I hope you don't mind me joining your forum so I can remember him better with the people who obviously cared for him a lot.

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Re: Just make sure

Post by Lake » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:39 pm

A warm welcome to you, Darky!

Though it's only two small things - pebbles, cryptic messages, but they clearly lead you to a larger picture of him. Thanks for such an affectionate poem for Barrie.

Lake

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Re: Just make sure

Post by Sharra » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:07 pm

Welcome Darky
I thought this was lovely, thanks for taking the time to share that with us. I found it very moving to hear some real life things about Barrie. The image of him leaving pebbles on your doorstep really brings someone I knew online into the real world all the more(if that makes sense?).
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Just make sure

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:46 pm

Welcome Darky, and thanks for the insights into Barrie's mischievous side.

Good 'un
Geoff

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