Stomach pumped

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camus
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Stomach pumped

Post by camus » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:17 am

Wrists bound in leather
head steadied, thumb pressure.
I'm madder than the city
that flashes by - purple and red.

You're green, the comfort green
seen in cucumber with hints
of mauve boredom...
I trust you like a sleuth

You will solve me...
Directly with tube and water
What slaughter is this?
for a young man lost...

My stomach is pregnant, fat-sick
and swathed, I feel greasy inside
please help me...please...
where am I?

I lay or lie on a crisp sheeted bed
TV is on, telling me that nazis
keep it in the family, and that my
life is local...is kept here...
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

dedalus
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Re: Stomach pumped

Post by dedalus » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:32 am

madder - purple and red.
the comfort green
hints of mauve
I was getting off on the colours in the first two stanzas and then things took a more serious turn. I hesitate to ask if this was an unpleasant personal experience although it sounds like one: fleeting images, a sense of dislocation, a feeling of looking down on one's own body, being both subjective and objective at the same time. An unsettling sort of a poem that needs to be read several times, methinks.

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Re: Stomach pumped

Post by dogofdiogenes » Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:20 am

I loved the madness of this, the disparate linking of images, description and experience. I'm pretty sure that that is what trauma brings out in people when they are able to be expressive again, it seems to be like raving only there's no delirium here, it's terror. It's like being in two odd situations at once, with no points of reference.
The last time I had to do this, though, there were no leather restraints. They may be illegal in my neck of the woods, but I don't know about the special hospitals. I have had to hold down people whilst they are 'treated' or whilst the registrar spends hours on his mobile waiting to find out froom his barrister whether or not he will get sued for treating a potential suicide to save their life (Can't get sectioned or physical treatment). Oh the joys of mental health.
Lots to think about, my stomach hasn't regained consciousness yet.

jacq
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)

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Re: Stomach pumped

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:18 am

Hi camus (cool name)

Enjoyed the feel of this, if not exactly the subject matter. Pretty intense stuff.

Something is jarring between 1st and 2nd S, though I can't quite put my finger on it.
Perhaps its a slight change in voice, or the texture of the language. S1 is raw and vivid
whereas it softens a bit in 2. Perhaps it should build in intensity? Maybe try shifting the stanzas around?
Also, not sure the questions really work for me, that's probably my issue though.

Look forward to seeing any revisions.

B.

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Re: Stomach pumped

Post by camus » Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:53 am

thanks guys.

B.

I take your point about the change in voice, although that was what I was actually aiming for. From the intense to the calm in a short space of time. It isn't a measured poem it's born from confusion, based on an unpleasant personal experience!

Also, not sure the questions really work for me, that's probably my issue though.

Yes they do irk somewhat, i'll see what i can do, if anything at all.

Oh and welcome to PG, B.

cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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