The Audition (revision)

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Macavity
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The Audition (revision)

Post by Macavity » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:38 am

revision

This gaudy thing bobbing in burlesque
offers a bawdy dance and even mimes
some teasing slapstick fun. Her tinsel dreams

of screen star fame faded with the talkies
because a country accent was never posh.
She strips without a blush. Hears the applause.

I light a cigar for images say it best
like a hard slap and through the fug breathe in
my cunning schemes. I applaud my craft.

original

A gaudy thing bobbing in burlesque
offers a bawdy dance and even mimes
some slapstick fun. Her childish dreams

of screen star fame faded with the talkies
for brummie accents were never posh.
She strips without a blush. Hears the applause.
Last edited by Macavity on Wed Jul 29, 2020 6:18 am, edited 9 times in total.

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Firebird
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Re: The Audition

Post by Firebird » Thu Jul 09, 2020 9:08 am

Hi Mac,

Obviously, the tasteless implication of gaudy is a subjective judgement/matter, which in this context some may find a little snobbish - I do not though. I like the sonic thread it has with bawdy. Not sure about ‘thing’ in the first line, but it does fit the tone and gives you that ‘thing’/‘ing’/‘in’ sonic cohesion. It’s a sad scene/portrait. But I think it works well, with nice sonics throughout. Some specific points below.

Macavity wrote:
Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:38 am
A gaudy thing bobbing in burlesque
offers a bawdy dance and even mimes (‘even’ seems like padding)
some slapstick fun. Her childish dreams

of screen star fame faded with the talkies
for brummie accents were never posh. (This line kind of state what we already know. The language is a little forced too. I think it needs to do more.)
She strips without a blush. Hears the applause. (Nice ending)
I like it overall.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Audition

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jul 09, 2020 2:39 pm

.
Hi mac,
like the sounds of this (perhaps 'performs' for 'offers'?) and what seem like nods to the various meanings of burlesque.
But 'thing' is a bit dehumanising, isn't it? And the 'failed actress becomes stripper' rather worn, unless it's a specific
brummie. Is it?
And yet, as Tristan says, nice ending.
(Why were the dreams 'childish'?)


Regards, Not



.

Macavity
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Re: The Audition

Post by Macavity » Thu Jul 09, 2020 8:02 pm

Thanks Tristan and Not. All very helpful. I've tweaked a tad and added another stanza to focus N.s POV.

offers is in there for the transactional nature of the performance. I've dropped childish and worked more on the viewpoint in S3.

cheers

mac

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Re: The Audition (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jul 10, 2020 11:06 am

.
Hi mac,
'in burlesque' ?
It's either very cruel (if the meaning is ' a parody of something erotic/sexy./...) or
confusing; were burlesque performances 'transactional' in the way you're implying?
(Very dim and distant recollections of Natalie Wood in Gypsy constitute the extent of
my knowledge of burlesque.)
This gaudy thing bobbing in burlesque
offering a bawdy dance, mimes some


I think you've a certain redundancy in L3-4 ('tinsel dreams' and 'screen star fame' are
the same, aren't they?) Just a thought
some teasing slapstick fun. Her tinsel dreams
have dwindled, deadened by the talkies


Still struggling to connect 'Brummie' (capital B)to Hollywood. Does it matter where
she was from, specifically?
Wondered if you could cut the 'a' before 'blush'?

I think the third verse helps with the POV (and the title), but can't imagine anyone
describing their own scheme as cliche. How about
I light a cigar, you get the picture,
lime white match strike and hey, a star
is born, in the darkness I applaud ambition.



Regards, Not.


.

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lotus
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Re: The Audition (revision)

Post by lotus » Fri Jul 10, 2020 11:14 am

dear Mac

i'am wondering about

I clap my ambitions.

at how with this poeming context
for a moment i think of the American slang for 'the clap'
medically known as gonorrhea.

silent lotu
s
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: The Audition (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 11, 2020 6:07 am

Thanks Not and Lotus. I've tweaked the concluding line, though I quite liked the suggestion in clap :D

cheers

mac

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