Soul

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Soul

Post by ton321 » Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:45 am

Once, a yellow shaft of light fell on the word,
and it was lit up in glorious technicolour of the fervent
or demented;

but no one talks about it anymore;
it's been consigned to the suburbs, bides its time
in a copse behind the estate-

holding out for your small change.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2172
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Soul

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Jul 04, 2020 10:23 am

.
Hi Tony,
like the tone (as it were :) ) though the title seems a little on the heavy side.

Would it be worth playing with the line breaks? As in ...

Once, a yellow shaft of light fell
on the word,
and it was lit
up in glorious technicolor
of the fervent or demented; ?

Not sure about 'consigned' (the word, not the meaning)
nor 'bides its time' (why not 'made to wait')? Or ...

but no one talks about it anymore
its been moved on
gone suburban
set up camp in a copse
behind the housing estate - ?

That's a very nice last line.

Regards, Not

.

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6129
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Soul

Post by Macavity » Sun Jul 05, 2020 4:57 am

Enjoyed this Tony. You've revitalised a word that has lost its primacy in contemporary poetry. Some nice sonics in the poem too.
it's been consigned to the suburbs, bides its time
in a copse behind the estate-
An icy effect in the assonance that reinforces the chill.I read the class element disconnect, suburbs/estate, the meaningless of the church beyond a middle class habit/behaviour. bides its time- came to me of how much belief hangs on to future hope - say the second coming - rather than present reality.

I would say the fate of the church in more prosperous areas is a home conversion :D

enjoyed

mac



ton321 wrote:
Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:45 am
Once, a yellow shaft of light fell on the word,
and it was lit up in glorious technicolour of the fervent
or demented;

but no one talks about it anymore;
it's been consigned to the suburbs, bides its time
in a copse behind the estate-

holding out for your small change.
Last edited by Macavity on Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

TrevorConway
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 186
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am

Re: Soul

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:37 am

Hi Tony,

The last 2 verses were a nice, satisfying pay-off here. I found the first verse a bit too high-falutin', I suppose. I know you wanted to build it up, but maybe just a bit subtler would hit the right note. I'm thinking mainly of "glorious technicolour" and "the fervent". Simpler language would work better there, in my opinion. The rest was great (although "copse" felt like an outdated word that didn't fit with the rest - it my be by own impression/connotation of that word, though), and the length of the poem works fine, I think. Title could be improved, but not that bad a fit for this poem.

All the best,

T

Post Reply