Attic

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TrevorConway
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Attic

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 05, 2020 9:01 am

No-one comes to visit,
so how can I not wonder,
what is it about me that’s so repulsive:
  • my dark breath,
    all stale and damp?
  • the fact that I lack this common need
    to clog up the world with noise?
I could solicit attention,
sending mysterious sounds
down to their beds at night,
faint at first,
then somewhat certain,
in time, enough to wake them.

But I was never so inclined.

Such company they pair me with:
battered boxes, crippled chairs,
Christmas trees strangled in lights,
a dead man’s clothes, video cassettes,
a one-string violin.
For weeks, I hosted a lunatic bat
that wouldn’t let me sleep.

What?
Did you say something?

Perhaps it’s that I’m odd,
like an alcoholic aunt who’s come to stay
(for an undefined period).

How could I not be,
when they put such odd things into me?


Based on a comment received on my poem "A Brief Word for Rooms", I'm trying the various parts as separate poems, and I've added this new one for the attic. All comments welcome. If it's too generic like many of the other rooms in that poem, let me know, please. And how about the use of faded text, bold, the strikethrough and bullet points? Too gimmicky, or in keeping with the character? Thanks, everyone
Last edited by TrevorConway on Sun May 10, 2020 3:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Attic

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue May 05, 2020 12:34 pm

.

Hi T,
I think the meat of this is stanza five (and the final couplet) the rest isn't doing much for me.

The implied violence/menace of battered, crippled, strangled, dead man in s5 are all interesting, as is the excellent lunatic bat (not to mention your current favourite 'sleeplessness'). So expanding this would be my suggestion (add some sound and colour). Cut the rest.
How could I not be other / when such odd things are put in me?
(Don't try and answer the question, leave it hanging)

Regards, Not

.

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Firebird
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Re: Attic

Post by Firebird » Tue May 05, 2020 10:59 pm

Hi Trevor,

I agree with Not that the poem is in s5 and the end (See below). The rest doesn’t do much for me, I’m afraid. It just doesn’t engage/do enough. I do like s5 though and I think it works well with the ending. Really sorry I can’t be more positive about the whole of the poem.
TrevorConway wrote:
Tue May 05, 2020 9:01 am
Such company they pair me with:
battered boxes, crippled chairs,
Christmas trees strangled in lights,
a dead man’s clothes, video cassettes,
a one-string violin.
For weeks, I hosted a lunatic bat
that wouldn’t let me sleep.

Perhaps it’s that I’m odd.
But how could I not be,
when they put such an odd mix in me?
Cheers,

Tristan

TrevorConway
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Re: Attic

Post by TrevorConway » Wed May 06, 2020 7:31 am

Thanks for the feedback, Tristan. No need to be sorry. There's no onus on anyone to give positive feedback, as negative feedback is instructive as well, and you've even pointed out specifics regarding where the meat of the poem is. I'm a committed writer, so I won't have a nervous breakdown/get discouraged over negative feedback, don't worry :D Practically all poems need some work to make them better or clearer. And some poems just don't cut the mustard. Good to get such overall positive or negative feedback on poems when deciding what to send out to journals/mags or include in a collection.

Much obliged, sir

T

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