Air-born

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TrevorConway
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Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:28 pm

Air-born

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum,
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space.
Slap,
tumble,
your vision blurred with stalks of grass.

There is another creature,
with eyes that could be in love with you,
fur and claws
moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you darkness.

Instinct takes you up again,
turning on a window sill.
Your mother is watching from the roof above.
A flutter takes her from sight.

One hop
onto the hair,
where wings are speaking a new language,
taking bodies in strange directions,
you join
the society
of birds.


Any feedback and suggestions would be much appreciated. Does the poem generally "work" as an idea for you? Is it too obscure anywhere or overall? Any clumsy parts? Any words, lines or verses you'd remove? Or would you shift the order of anything? Please be totally honest, and don't be afraid of making too many suggestions. Thanks very much.

Trev

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Re: Air-born

Post by Firebird » Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:47 am

Hi Trev,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. Good to have you around. Your poem is about a fledgling trying to fly for the first time. I like much of the description of what it must feel like. When I read the title I thought it was going to be a poem about corona (an air-born virus) but I was wrong, I think. You weren’t hinting at the virus originating from birds were you in some way? I’m not sure you need to mention birds at the end.

Some specific comments below.

TrevorConway wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:28 pm
Air-born

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight. (great opening)

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss. (Yes, in the nest)
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land, (I’m struggling to visualise ‘an eyeblink waltz’. Is this in the fledgling’s mind?)
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum, (Nice description. I’m assuming this is the fledgling falling out of control)
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space.
Slap, (Would a fledgling ‘slap’ into grass?)
tumble, (Not sure if these two lines work for me)
your vision blurred with stalks of grass.

There is another creature,
with eyes that could be in love with you,
fur and claws (Yes, a cat)
moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you darkness. (I’d prefer less description about the cat (maybe just state it’s a cat) here and more about the panic, rise in heart rate of the bird - keep the focus)

Instinct takes you up again, (‘instinct’ is weak)
turning on a window sill.
Your mother is watching from the roof above.
A flutter takes her from sight.

One hop
onto the hair, (typo?)
where wings are speaking a new language, (strong line)
taking bodies in strange directions,
you join
the society
of birds. (Not sure you need these last four lines. Maybe finish on ‘where wings are speaking a new language).
Overall, I like this poem, but still would like it to have a little more verve, which I think could be achieved by some small changes in the description - maybe a few more interesting verbs or adjectives. It’s a little, only a little mind you, flat for me at present.

Great to see you posting here.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Air-born

Post by Perry » Tue Mar 24, 2020 11:45 am

Firebird wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:47 am
Your poem is about a fledgling trying to fly for the first time.
Am I just lacking in intelligence that I couldn't figure out what the poem means, though it was clearly obvious to you? Now that you've told me, it makes sense; but without your explanation, I might have spent thirty minutes figuring it out. I hate being so literal-minded that a little symbolism throws me.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Air-born

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Mar 24, 2020 12:04 pm

.
Hi Trev,
generally I think this 'works' but the final two verses are comparatively weak. They don't really advance the narrative, nor add much to what is already there. Enjoyed the sonics (bloated/momentum, in particular), but phrases like 'time to taste / the power' or 'a flash of sun' are, I think, rather flat. And I'm not too fond of 'fur and claws' (too close to 'tooth and claw').

A cut 'n' paste suggestion

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss
wondering where
your mother calls.
An eye-blink waltz,
falling
as the threshold
crossed
a creature now
of land
no longer
but of Air
and
Time

Bloated with momentum,
the world suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
a sense of losing
where you are in space.

Above, those eyes
could be in love with you,
claw and fur and moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you
the darkness.

Fly.


Regards, Not

.

TrevorConway
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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:56 pm

Thanks for commenting, Perry. Do you think the poem needs a straightforward reference to birds early on in order to make it clearer?

T
Perry wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 11:45 am
Firebird wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:47 am
Your poem is about a fledgling trying to fly for the first time.
Am I just lacking in intelligence that I couldn't figure out what the poem means, though it was clearly obvious to you? Now that you've told me, it makes sense; but without your explanation, I might have spent thirty minutes figuring it out. I hate being so literal-minded that a little symbolism throws me.

TrevorConway
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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:08 pm

Hey Tristan,

Thanks for the welcome. I checked out various forums, and this one seems to have a good bunch of active members who are willing to put a bit of time and effort into honing each others' work with honest, in-depth feedback. Great to see it.

Ha, that's interesting about the coronavirus connection. No, I wrote this poem a few years ago, so no connection intended.

You've given me lots to think about, which I appreciate very much. The suggestion of finishing the poem on the wings speaking a new language is one that immediately feels like one I'll take on, but I wonder if I could move the other four lines somewhere else? I'm fairly fond of them, but hey, gotta kill some of your darlings to make it all stronger.

And thanks for highlighting the typo. You've been so helpful and insightful, Tristan. Looking forward to reading more of your work and hearing more of your feedback.

Cheers,

T
Firebird wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:47 am
Hi Trev,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. Good to have you around. Your poem is about a fledgling trying to fly for the first time. I like much of the description of what it must feel like. When I read the title I thought it was going to be a poem about corona (an air-born virus) but I was wrong, I think. You weren’t hinting at the virus originating from birds were you in some way? I’m not sure you need to mention birds at the end.

Some specific comments below.

TrevorConway wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:28 pm
Air-born

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight. (great opening)

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss. (Yes, in the nest)
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land, (I’m struggling to visualise ‘an eyeblink waltz’. Is this in the fledgling’s mind?)
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum, (Nice description. I’m assuming this is the fledgling falling out of control)
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space.
Slap, (Would a fledgling ‘slap’ into grass?)
tumble, (Not sure if these two lines work for me)
your vision blurred with stalks of grass.

There is another creature,
with eyes that could be in love with you,
fur and claws (Yes, a cat)
moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you darkness. (I’d prefer less description about the cat (maybe just state it’s a cat) here and more about the panic, rise in heart rate of the bird - keep the focus)

Instinct takes you up again, (‘instinct’ is weak)
turning on a window sill.
Your mother is watching from the roof above.
A flutter takes her from sight.

One hop
onto the hair, (typo?)
where wings are speaking a new language, (strong line)
taking bodies in strange directions,
you join
the society
of birds. (Not sure you need these last four lines. Maybe finish on ‘where wings are speaking a new language).
Overall, I like this poem, but still would like it to have a little more verve, which I think could be achieved by some small changes in the description - maybe a few more interesting verbs or adjectives. It’s a little, only a little mind you, flat for me at present.

Great to see you posting here.

Cheers,

Tristan

TrevorConway
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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Mar 24, 2020 10:23 pm

Thanks very much for your comments, NQS. You've pointed out some weaknesses that weren't apparent to me until you highlighted them. I'm inclined to agree on "time to taste" and "a flash of sun". I really appreciate you doing such a full edit of the poem. It makes everything very clear. You and Tristan have given me some great ammunition going into my next draft.

Take care, and stay safe.

T
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 12:04 pm
.
Hi Trev,
generally I think this 'works' but the final two verses are comparatively weak. They don't really advance the narrative, nor add much to what is already there. Enjoyed the sonics (bloated/momentum, in particular), but phrases like 'time to taste / the power' or 'a flash of sun' are, I think, rather flat. And I'm not too fond of 'fur and claws' (too close to 'tooth and claw').

A cut 'n' paste suggestion

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss
wondering where
your mother calls.
An eye-blink waltz,
falling
as the threshold
crossed
a creature now
of land
no longer
but of Air
and
Time

Bloated with momentum,
the world suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
a sense of losing
where you are in space.

Above, those eyes
could be in love with you,
claw and fur and moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you
the darkness.

Fly.


Regards, Not

.

ray miller
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Re: Air-born

Post by ray miller » Wed Mar 25, 2020 10:31 am

Hello Trevor. Enjoyed the poem.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

If "It" refers to courage then "your" mother seems wrong. Maybe "Courage crawls from twigs and moss wondering where its mother calls".
Can you speak, in this context, of a tree as being "of land"?

with eyes that could be in love with you, - I'm not a fan of this line, a bit twee.

where wings are speaking a new language, - love that line, though.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

TrevorConway
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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:53 am

Hi Ray,

Thanks a lot for your advice. I can see how that line is a bit twee now, will look at improving it.

The "it" refers to courage, but the "you" and "your" directly address the fledgling bird, no longer "of land" when it takes to the air. Do you think more clarity is needed to distinguish the identity of "you"/"your"?

Thanks again, Ray. Great to see so many people here willing to give their time and thought to improving each other's work.

All the best,

T

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Re: Air-born

Post by Macavity » Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:46 am

Welcome to the forum Trevor. Enjoyed your write. The progression to the society of birds was a logical conclusion, though where wings are speaking a new language is a quality line to seal the poem. I like the ambition in the phrasing - though I first read gusty as gutsy :D and didn't understand eyeblink waltz. I did notice that you/your didn't appear until S3.

best

mac

TrevorConway wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:28 pm
Air-born

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum,
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space.
Slap,
tumble,
your vision blurred with stalks of grass.

There is another creature,
with eyes that could be in love with you,
fur and claws
moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you darkness.

Instinct takes you up again,
turning on a window sill.
Your mother is watching from the roof above.
A flutter takes her from sight.

One hop
onto the hair,
where wings are speaking a new language,
taking bodies in strange directions,
you join
the society
of birds.


Any feedback and suggestions would be much appreciated. Does the poem generally "work" as an idea for you? Is it too obscure anywhere or overall? Any clumsy parts? Any words, lines or verses you'd remove? Or would you shift the order of anything? Please be totally honest, and don't be afraid of making too many suggestions. Thanks very much.

Trev

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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:31 pm

Thanks very much for the welcome and the feedback, Mac. Good to get your perspective on it.

Chat again soon,

T
Macavity wrote:
Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:46 am
Welcome to the forum Trevor. Enjoyed your write. The progression to the society of birds was a logical conclusion, though where wings are speaking a new language is a quality line to seal the poem. I like the ambition in the phrasing - though I first read gusty as gutsy :D and didn't understand eyeblink waltz. I did notice that you/your didn't appear until S3.

best

mac

TrevorConway wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:28 pm
Air-born

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum,
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space.
Slap,
tumble,
your vision blurred with stalks of grass.

There is another creature,
with eyes that could be in love with you,
fur and claws
moving fast,
a mouth intent on showing you darkness.

Instinct takes you up again,
turning on a window sill.
Your mother is watching from the roof above.
A flutter takes her from sight.

One hop
onto the hair,
where wings are speaking a new language,
taking bodies in strange directions,
you join
the society
of birds.


Any feedback and suggestions would be much appreciated. Does the poem generally "work" as an idea for you? Is it too obscure anywhere or overall? Any clumsy parts? Any words, lines or verses you'd remove? Or would you shift the order of anything? Please be totally honest, and don't be afraid of making too many suggestions. Thanks very much.

Trev

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Re: Air-born

Post by David » Fri Mar 27, 2020 6:06 pm

Hi Trevor. Nice poem. I very much like "the gusty physics / of flight". And the last three lines. But those are just the "in particulars". I enjoyed the whole thing.

There is, perhaps, a bit too much of the "and then ..." about it. Actually, it occurs to me now that you could remove the anecdotal aspects of it altogether, and concentrate on what I imagine to be the urgent now of the fledgling's life. You could do this, for instance ...

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum,
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space

where wings are speaking a new language,
taking bodies in strange directions.
You join
the society
of birds.


Or you might rather not.

Cheers

David

P.S. I stalked you on Facebook. At least I think it might be you. You are a friend of Ben Johnson? Formerly of this parish.

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Re: Air-born

Post by TrevorConway » Fri Mar 27, 2020 6:43 pm

Hey David,

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I like your ideas, and I'm pretty sure I'll incorporate them. Yes, I'm friends with Ben on Facebook, though I can't say I know him all that well. We were both on a different forum years ago. Feel free to add me on Facebook, and thanks again for commenting.

T

David wrote:
Fri Mar 27, 2020 6:06 pm
Hi Trevor. Nice poem. I very much like "the gusty physics / of flight". And the last three lines. But those are just the "in particulars". I enjoyed the whole thing.

There is, perhaps, a bit too much of the "and then ..." about it. Actually, it occurs to me now that you could remove the anecdotal aspects of it altogether, and concentrate on what I imagine to be the urgent now of the fledgling's life. You could do this, for instance ...

Time
to taste
the power of wings,
the gusty physics
of flight.

Courage crawls
from twigs and moss.
It wonders where your mother calls.
An eyeblink waltz, no longer of land,
now a creature of air.

Bloated with momentum,
all these houses,
trees and walls suddenly closer.
A flash of sun,
losing sense
of where you are in this space

where wings are speaking a new language,
taking bodies in strange directions.
You join
the society
of birds.


Or you might rather not.

Cheers

David

P.S. I stalked you on Facebook. At least I think it might be you. You are a friend of Ben Johnson? Formerly of this parish.

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