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Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2020 4:05 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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v2
Monday Tomorrow


When you miss the artery but nick the vein
they'll let you waste some of your life
on a trolley beneath a fluorescent light.

And if you pull your sweatshirt up,
covering your eyes, you won't see
the know-it-not who tells the world

you're doing it out of shame. Of course
it isn't true. They've just left you
on your back and all that incandescence

is keeping you awake. That and the noise,
the incessant voicelessness. You need
your strength. You know that

they have their shibboleths and tests
which you will need to pass
before they let you go home

to clean up the bloody mess you made.


________________



Monday Tomorrow


When you miss the artery but nick the vein
they'll let you waste some of your life
on a trolley beneath a fluorescent light.

And if you pull your sweatshirt up
over your eyes you won't be able to see
the nameless loudmouth who tells the world
you're doing it out of shame. Of course

you're not. It's just that they've left you flat
on your back and all that incandescence
is
keeping you awake. That and the noise
of idiots. You need your strength. You know

they've got their shibboleths, their tests
which you will need to pass before they let you go
home to clean up the bloody mess you made.


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Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 2:33 pm
by Firebird
Hi Not,

I’m not should whether I should be taking this as a straightforward tale of an unfortunate accident that the NHS fail to deal with in a timely fashion and the distress this caused, or there is more to this story, which I suspect there is. My main issue with this poem is that I’m having problems working out what ’more’ there might be. I’ll keep on trying though.

I like the tone of the piece and the informal language. I’m not sure ’shibboleths‘ fits in though. ‘fluorescent light‘ used twice stood out too.

Hope this helps for now.

Cheers,

Tristan



NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 4:05 pm
.
Monday Tomorrow


When you miss the artery but nick the vein
they'll let you waste some of your life
on a trolley beneath a fluorescent light.

And if you pull your sweatshirt up
over your eyes you won't be able to see
the nameless loudmouth who tells the world
you're doing it out of shame. Of course

you're not. It's just that they've left you flat
on your back beneath a fluorescent light
and its keeping you awake. That and the noise
of idiots. You need your strength. You know

they've got their shibboleths, their tests
which you will need to pass before they let you go
home to clean up the bloody mess you made.


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Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 3:31 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read. Replaced the second fluorescent light, but sticking with shibboleth for the time being.
More to the story? What if it was no accident?

Regards, Not

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Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 4:05 pm
by Firebird
Hi Not,

I’d assumed it was an accident, but actually the first line clearly hints that it’s not. So yes, that does give the poem a new complexion. I’ll have closer read and see what layered meaning I can detect in the imagery.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 5:23 pm
by David
Yes, I thought I saw attempted suicide in the first line. You do seem to be rather cross with the NHS about it. Or at least with how they're dealing with it.

Is "back" missing from the revised L9?

I like the ending. Shibboleths seemed out of place to me at first, too, but in the sense of things you might have to say in order for them to let you go home - touch of Catch-22 here? - I can see how it could work. And maybe it does.

Cheers

David

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 5:41 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi David,
thanks for catching 'back', it's back now.

Or at least with how they're dealing with it.
Can't generalise, but what I saw was that medical staff appeared to take the 'attempt' personally,
as if it were an insult to them somehow. And maybe it was. But I thought there was something
a bit deliberate/punitive about the positioning of the trolley.
in the sense of things you might have to say
that was the sense I was going for. 'Sanity' as a password.
touch of Catch-22 here?
just a touch.


Regards, Not

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Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:50 am
by Macavity
Yes, I thought I saw attempted suicide in the first line
Me too. Like it Not. It conveys the 'unreasonable' in the individual and the group, but then anger lacks reason.

cheers

mac

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 3:59 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Macavity wrote:
Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:50 am
but then anger lacks reason
Perhaps they really, really wanted to sleep :)

Regards, Not


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Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 10:34 pm
by Macavity
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Mar 12, 2020 3:59 pm
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Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Macavity wrote:
Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:50 am
but then anger lacks reason
Perhaps they really, really wanted to sleep :)

Regards, Not


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To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause


:)

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2020 1:33 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Show off! :)

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Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:03 am
by ray miller
I think nameless loudmouth is much better than know-it-not. Shibboleths is good. There's a tendency amongst the nursing profession to look upon would-be suicides as wasting their time when they could be looking after people with real illnesses. Speaking personally, as an ex-psychiatric nurse, I remember getting on extremely well with a young fellow, who had been suicidal, improved over the course of several months, was discharged and promptly hung himself. I felt cheated, fooled, let down, it's easy to take it personal.

Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:04 pm
by bjondon
Very elegant and grim Not.
The revision nails it, apart from the last line which backs off, seems to muddy
the growing certainty the N is just waiting to try again.
Simply cut it and then 'go home' acquires sinister weight.
I thought 'know-it-not' was right for how the N sees it (impelled certainty again)
'incessant voicelessness' a great phrase.

Jules

Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 1:25 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi ray,
thanks for the read.

loudmouth
- not too angry then?
There's a tendency amongst the nursing profession to look upon would-be suicides as wasting their time when they could be looking after people with real illnesses.
- That's what I observed. I'm not inclined to judge them for it (hardly my place), but maybe writing from 'his' perspective makes some sort of judgement inevitable.


Hi Jules.

I thought 'know-it-not' was right for how the N sees it
- now I'm going to have to dither ... I was thinking maybe 'young uncouth' as an alternative (though 'young loudmouth' might still work).

apart from the last line
- so, you want to remove all hope? :)
I wanted that and the title to suggest he hasn't escaped whatever is driving him, not that a second attempt was certain. But since I'm already dithering ...


Regards both, Not


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Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:05 pm
by TrevorConway
Hi NotQuiteSure,

Nice work. I like the cold tone of it all, and I prefer version 2 overall. Some notes below for handiness.


When you miss the artery but nick the vein
they'll let you waste some of your life
on a trolley beneath a fluorescent light.

And if you pull your sweatshirt up [delete comma?]
[to cover] your eyes, you won't see
the know-it-not who tells the world

you're doing it out of shame. [
Of course it isn't true. [It's just,
they've left you [flirting with] incandescence[.

It's] keeping you awake. That and the noise,
the incessant voicelessness.
[You need strength, and you know it.]

[T]hey have their shibboleths and tests[,]
which you will need to pass
before they let you go home [delete "go"?]

to clean up the bloody mess you made.


Thanks for sharing. Really enjoyed this. And I quite like the title, by the way.

Trevor

Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:27 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Trevor,
thanks for the read and suggestions (always too comma happy, me).
Pleased you liked the title, and said so! Always good to know.
Thanks again.

Regards, Not


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