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Mistaken Identity (rev 1)

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:53 pm
by capricorn
Mistaken Identity (revision)

I stare at those familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned

around your wispy frame and I'm enticed
to drift back to nostalgic reveries:
Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced
with tea and cakes. Then age snuck up, disease

besieged your mind and slowly roles reversed.
Pink roses brush cream lilies wreathed on oak.
As grief cascaded, I became immersed,
immune to soothing words from kindly folk.

I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of my vision, reminisced.
Your spirit sails away within a gust
of swirling leaves - a phantom in the mist

---------------------------------------------------
Mistaken Identity

I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned

around your wispy frame and I'm enticed
to delve into nostalgic reveries:
Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced
with tea and cakes. Then age sneaked up, disease

besieged your mind as slowly roles reversed.
Pink roses brush sweet lilies wreathed on oak.
As grief cascaded, I became immersed
beneath until buoyed up by kindly folk.

I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:48 am
by NotQuiteSure
.
Hi Eira,
wouldn't change much (yes really!) except the last verse.
I like 'I shiver when you turn' but the rest seems unnecessary/too explanatory
('reminisced').

L1 - there's something a little lacking about 'I pause to check'
Though the almost surreal 'waves of salt' is excellent.

L4 - shouldn't 'is' be 'are' (leaves being plural)?

L6 - think 'delved' overbalances the line. Why not just 'enticed into nostalgic ... ' ?
(Similarly, L11, 'became immersed' - why not just 'sank'? )

L8 - 'sneaked up' - surely 'snuck up'? Or perhaps something to do with an 'ambush'
(being somewhat more martial) ?
Would also be tempted to replace the second 'and' with 'cream'.

L10 - should 'on' be 'an' ?


Just playing with enjambments (I know, I know, messes up your form, but ... :) )



I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar,
turned against the biting easterlies'
assault. A flurry of magnolia leaves
is churned around your wispy frame
and I'm enticed to delve
into nostalgic reveries:

Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun
and spiced with tea and cakes. Then age
sneaked up, disease besieged your mind
as slowly roles reversed. Pink roses brush
sweet lilies wreathed on oak. As grief
cascaded, I became immersed
until buoyed up by kindly folk.

I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist


Regards, Not

.

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:27 pm
by tatterdemalion
Enjoyed this Capricorn. I agree with most of Not's suggestions. Your rhymes work for me, nothing feels too contrived, but I would consider losing one or two of the rhymes if you think Not's suggestions improve the poem. The poem has emotional depth which I think takes it beyond its form.

On the subject of ''flurry'' and ''is/are'' I was wondering how you are using ''flurry'' here? Is it meant to be a collective noun?

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:12 pm
by bjondon
Hi Eira,
I'd vote for 'as is' until L12 - you're trying to pack a lot of
history and meaning into that line - 'immersed' is very good
but 'buoyed up' follows on too quickly. I'd suggest something like:
'for long immune to love/words from kindly folk'


L13 is good but I agree the last three lines are a bit spongey.
What is special about this piece is the way the cadence, rhymes
and word choices conjure up a sense of spells and fairytales.
I wonder if it might work to follow that
through (a spirit stolen, a dark enchantment)?

Jules

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:00 am
by ray miller
I liked all of it, including the ending. Not sure the reverie needs italicising. The mention of roles reversing leads me to look for evidence of what they were before - and I have to guess. Maybe you need a comma after "beneath".

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 5:32 am
by Poet
First of all I have to say what a beautiful poem it is, I feel like you could have upped the emotion a little more, I like the last stanza, though it felt a little chilly and what I mean by that it is brutal and that is the way I like it. Poetry is about the harshness of the words, use it at your disposal.

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:55 pm
by capricorn
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:48 am
.
Hi Eira,
wouldn't change much (yes really!) Phew!! :D
except the last verse.
I like 'I shiver when you turn' but the rest seems unnecessary/too explanatory
('reminisced').

L1 - there's something a little lacking about 'I pause to check' I tend to agree
Though the almost surreal 'waves of salt' is excellent.

L4 - shouldn't 'is' be 'are' (leaves being plural)?
I was using 'flurry' as a noun - the flurry is churned

L6 - think 'delved' overbalances the line. Why not just 'enticed into nostalgic ... ' ?
(Similarly, L11, 'became immersed' - why not just 'sank'? )
sank doesn't rhyme with reversed

L8 - 'sneaked up' - surely 'snuck up'? Or perhaps something to do with an 'ambush'
(being somewhat more martial) ?
of course - snuck up
Would also be tempted to replace the second 'and' with 'cream'.

L10 - should 'on' be 'an' ?

No - lilies wreathed on oak coffin
Just playing with enjambments (I know, I know, messes up your form, but ... :) )

I always try my R&M poems as free vers to be sure they make sense

I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar,
turned against the biting easterlies'
assault. A flurry of magnolia leaves
is churned around your wispy frame
and I'm enticed to delve
into nostalgic reveries:

Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun
and spiced with tea and cakes. Then age
sneaked up, disease besieged your mind
as slowly roles reversed. Pink roses brush
sweet lilies wreathed on oak. As grief
cascaded, I became immersed
until buoyed up by kindly folk.

I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist


Regards, Not
Thanks Eira
.

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:58 pm
by capricorn
tatterdemalion wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:27 pm
Enjoyed this Capricorn. I agree with most of Not's suggestions. Your rhymes work for me, nothing feels too contrived, but I would consider losing one or two of the rhymes if you think Not's suggestions improve the poem. The poem has emotional depth which I think takes it beyond its form.

On the subject of ''flurry'' and ''is/are'' I was wondering how you are using ''flurry'' here? Is it meant to be a collective noun?
Thanks Tatter
Yes, I was using flurry as a collective noun.

Eira

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:00 pm
by capricorn
bjondon wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:12 pm
Hi Eira,
I'd vote for 'as is' until L12 - you're trying to pack a lot of
history and meaning into that line - 'immersed' is very good
but 'buoyed up' follows on too quickly. I'd suggest something like:
'for long immune to love/words from kindly folk'


L13 is good but I agree the last three lines are a bit spongey.
What is special about this piece is the way the cadence, rhymes
and word choices conjure up a sense of spells and fairytales.
I wonder if it might work to follow that
through (a spirit stolen, a dark enchantment)?

Jules
Thanks Jules, I'll be looking at this soon

Eira

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:08 pm
by capricorn
ray miller wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:00 am
I liked all of it, including the ending. Not sure the reverie needs italicising. The mention of roles reversing leads me to look for evidence of what they were before - and I have to guess. Maybe you need a comma after "beneath".
Thanks Ray.
The roles reversed were daughter and mother when mother developed dementia - hope you guessed.

Eira

Re: Mistaken Identity

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:10 pm
by capricorn
Poet wrote:
Wed Jan 15, 2020 5:32 am
First of all I have to say what a beautiful poem it is, I feel like you could have upped the emotion a little more, I like the last stanza, though it felt a little chilly and what I mean by that it is brutal and that is the way I like it. Poetry is about the harshness of the words, use it at your disposal.
Thank you Poet - glad you liked it.

Eira

Re: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)

Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2020 10:50 pm
by capricorn
A revision