Safe Sex

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ray miller
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Safe Sex

Post by ray miller » Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:48 am

Miss Mantis renounces romances
her fancies are sandwiched
between courtship and flights.

Mr Mantis takes it for granted
his slavish advances
are rewarded with bites.

Original

Miss Mantis renounces romances
her fancies are sandwiched
between courtship and flights.

Mr Mantis waxes expansive
his lavish advances
are rewarded with bites.
Last edited by ray miller on Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:16 am, edited 3 times in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Courtship

Post by Poet » Thu Jan 09, 2020 8:23 pm

Bites?

ray miller
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Re: Courtship

Post by ray miller » Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:36 am

Yeah, bites. The female mantis is apt to devour the male mantis after mating. Maybe I should call it Safe Sex.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

bjondon
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Re: Courtship

Post by bjondon » Fri Jan 10, 2020 2:09 pm

She sounds like she's walked out of a bonk buster novel, whereas he's wandered out of a Dickens . . . poor old buffer.

It starts like a limerick - any mileage in that?

Jules

Title : 'Free Love'?
Last edited by bjondon on Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Courtship

Post by tatterdemalion » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:37 am

I like the sound of this Ray, the rhymes work for me. Fun, Clever too.

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Re: Courtship

Post by David » Sat Jan 11, 2020 5:29 pm

I like it, but "bites" seems an inadequate way of putting her coups de grace. Of course there may be - and meant to be - an ironic reference to "love bites".

But the furst line is so terrific that I want the rest of the poem to take its rhythmic cue from it - something like this ... ?

Miss Mantis renounces romances,
her passing fancies sandwiched
between courtship and flights.

Mr Mantis waxes expansive,
his slavishly lavish advances
rewarded with bites.


Or maybe not. As you wish.

Cheers

David

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Re: Courtship

Post by capricorn » Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:16 pm

I've often thought of writing a poem about the mantis, Ray. Never got round to it. Hmm.. 'Safe Sex' may be a good alternative title :D

I like this and agree with Dave about the rhythm. Perhaps missing 'are' from stanza1 and 'are' from st2 might help.

Miss Mantis renounces romances
her fancies [are] sandwiched
between courtship and flights.

Mr Mantis waxes expansive
his lavish advances
[are] rewarded with bites.

Enjoyed!
Eira

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Re: Courtship

Post by ton321 » Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:38 am

Hi Ray
had to lymericise it


Miss Mantis renounces romances
Mr Mantis waxes expansive
between courtship and flights.
are rewarded with bites.

Da da da..his lavish advances.

just a rough sketch
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Courtship

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:47 am

.
Hi ray,
following David and Eira,
'twixt' for 'between'?

Though I do like Jules' suggestion of a limerick.

Regards, Not


.

ray miller
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Re: Safe Sex

Post by ray miller » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:20 am

Thanks everyone. I've no concerns at all about the rhythm, but that's what I hear in my head. But I thought I needed to alter the character of the male and I've probably ruined the poem in the process. And I don't like the title, either.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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