A Vestig Of Banter

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lotus
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A Vestig Of Banter

Post by lotus » Mon Nov 25, 2019 3:16 pm

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“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

bjondon
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by bjondon » Mon Nov 25, 2019 9:22 pm

Hi lotus,
I like the tone . . . as if we've dropped into the middle
of a tetchy argument.
Wondering if changing the last phrase from
'to the shoe shine' to 'to shoe the shine' would work?
Best,
Jules

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Sid
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by Sid » Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:39 am

Hi Lotus,

Was this shared from archives?

If you are accepting commentary would you consider “of the bootlegged dialect voices” to remove the double of?

The poem flows well although I’m stumped to drill down a meaning.

The Two and To of the last line are poetic however Two and from could also replace with a similar poetic outcome. ie “from the shoe shine”. I see Jules also has another take on this however I prefer mine 😊. It’s in keeping with “to” from “two” and from imagery of conflict / indecision / back and forth!
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

ray miller
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by ray miller » Tue Nov 26, 2019 10:26 am

of the voices of bootlegged dialect - it's a mouthful and I wonder if you need "of the voices". The first half of the poem is very well put.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by lotus » Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:10 pm

bjondon wrote:
Mon Nov 25, 2019 9:22 pm
Hi lotus,
I like the tone . . . as if we've dropped into the middle
of a tetchy argument.
Wondering if changing the last phrase from
'to the shoe shine' to 'to shoe the shine' would work?
Best,
Jules
dear Jules

an interesting suggestion
though it would take the imagery down an alternate path

thankyuuu for allowing your own imagination to flow

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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lotus
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by lotus » Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:12 pm

Sid wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:39 am
Hi Lotus,

Was this shared from archives?

dear Sid

the archives ' Listening To Love '
is the name i gave to my own archive of my poems

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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lotus
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by lotus » Sun Dec 01, 2019 2:10 pm

Sid wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:39 am
Hi Lotus,


If you are accepting commentary would you consider “of the bootlegged dialect voices” to remove the double of?

dear Sid

the gift of receiving commentary
is the gift of community

i like p0ems published on people's refrigerator doors
so that everyone is free to respond should they care to

i am grateful for your partaking in responding to my scribbles

even if i am but a loiterer
taking in sidewalk whims and wisdoms

a warm smile
silent lotus


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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by lotus » Tue Dec 03, 2019 2:20 pm

ray miller wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 10:26 am
of the voices of bootlegged dialect - it's a mouthful and I wonder if you need "of the voices". The first half of the poem is very well put.
dear Ray

thankyuuu for that suggestion
it could indeed have a life without "of the voices"

i shall re read aloud
and let it play in my head


a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

NotQuiteSure
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Re: A Vestig Of Banter

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:50 pm

.
Hi Lotus,
just to offer my ear to ray's. If you could part with 'of the voices' I think it would flow much better.
(And a personal plea: a bit more space after 'weather report'?)

Intrigued by both 'on to' and the fact that 'shoeshine' isn't one word - having to think about that
And suspicious that there's a joke in 'fashion' and 'silks and scarfs' :)

Much enjoyed.


Regards, Not

.

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