Intrusions (was lgm)

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NotQuiteSure
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Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:24 pm

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Intrusions


they are always there
slithering
at the bottom of a glass
hanging
beneath the shoulder
of a long-necked bottle
waiting
for my piss-poor defences to weaken

so they can slip in
like wet metal
cephalopods
a writhing
of memory
and otherness
and an open mouth
screaming
into a cutting white light




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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Fri Nov 22, 2019 1:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dryanddeadwords
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Re: lgm

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:44 pm

Not a clue what this is about, but enjoying all the same. Instinct tells me it’s stronger without the editorial imposition of the final line.

Intriguing read. Will resist googling that title.

Thanks
Dylan

(By the way, you got a proper name?)

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Sid
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Re: lgm

Post by Sid » Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:48 pm

Hi Not,

Great poem I especially love the metal cephalopod image and sound.

I’m also not quite sure what message you’re trying to convey. Are the references to a return to alcoholism?

Is there a reason for the two ands? Otherwise I’d suggest altering to “an open mouth” and drop the second and.

Like Dylan I also recommend dropping the question at the end.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: lgm

Post by Firebird » Mon Nov 18, 2019 9:01 pm

Hi Not,

It seems to be about aliens as well as addiction.

It strikes me that the crux of the poem is probably here
a writhing of memory
and otherness
But I can’t quite decode its thrust.

It’s almost as if it’s about an alien abduction/invasion/shock that N seems to have been attracted to up to a point.

A few more hints might be needed.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:24 pm
.
lgm


they are always there
slithering
at the bottom of a glass
hanging
beneath the shoulder
of a long-necked bottle
waiting
for my piss-poor defences to weaken

so they can slip in
like wet metal
cephalopods
a writhing of memory
and otherness
and an open mouth
screaming
into a cutting white light

but who's gonna believe me?


.

Macavity
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Re: lgm

Post by Macavity » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:38 pm

Like S1 Not. S2 is a tad internal. The open mouth scream triggered Edvard Munch's painting.

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:24 pm
.
lgm


they are always there
slithering
at the bottom of a glass
hanging
beneath the shoulder
of a long-necked bottle
waiting
for my piss-poor defences to weaken

so they can slip in
these wet metal
cephalopods
a writhing of memory
and otherness
and an open mouth
screaming
into a cutting white light

but who's gonna believe me?


.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: lgm

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:50 am

.
Hi Dylan, Sid

thanks for the read.
Last line duly dropped.


____________________


Hi Tristan,

I don't think you need any hints :) it is just a little alien abduction story, mostly.


___________________


Hi mac,
thanks for the suggestion. What does 'a tad internal' mean?
Changing 'like' to 'these' switched from thoughts/flashbacks
to the actual LGM, so not sure about that. Will ponder.

Maybe 'intrusions
of memory and otherness ... ?


___________________


Thanks all.

Regards, Not


.

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Firebird
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Re: lgm

Post by Firebird » Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:13 pm

‘Intrusions’ help with decoding the meaning, but for some reason I still prefer ‘writhing’.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: lgm

Post by Macavity » Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:16 pm

No worries Not. I hadn't picked up on the alien slant.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: lgm

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:19 pm

.
Hi Tristan, mac,
thanks for returning.
Firebird wrote:
Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:13 pm
‘Intrusions’ help with decoding the meaning, but for some reason I still prefer ‘writhing’.
how about
writhing
intrusions
of memory ... ?

Macavity wrote:
Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:16 pm
I hadn't picked up on the alien slant.
It probably needs a better title than lgm (little green men),
any thoughts?


Regards, Not

.

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Re: lgm

Post by Macavity » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:49 pm

After Visiting Hangar 84
:)

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Re: lgm

Post by Firebird » Tue Nov 19, 2019 8:42 pm

writhing
intrusions
of memory ... ?
Yes, it’s better.

If you removed ‘otherness’ from the poem it could become the title.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: lgm

Post by bjondon » Tue Nov 19, 2019 9:42 pm

I could gift you 'The Pandemonium Effect'

It's a really interesting poem, one of your best I think.

And oddly disappointing if that is all it is about.

I like it as it stands . . . too much spelling out could
break the spell.

Jules

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Re: lgm

Post by Sid » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:54 am

Hi Not,

I struggle a bit with the alien reference. Would you consider a reference to Area 51 or UFOs?

Also you reference little green men in title is it more an alien experimentation reference?

I like the poem too but I suggest maybe cut it to give more clues.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: lgm

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Nov 20, 2019 11:53 am

.
Hi mac, Tristan, Jules, Sid.

Many thanks for returning and the suggestions.
I'm mindful of Jules' comment
bjondon wrote:
Tue Nov 19, 2019 9:42 pm
too much spelling out could
break the spell.
So, just the one tweak and title change :)

Thanks again.

Regards, Not.


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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:42 pm

Hi Not (Mr Not? Ms? Lord?)

Writhings is fine, but I quite like the idea of "wet metal cephalopods of memory".

Prefer the title. Opens it up to this particular ignoramus.

Dylan

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by bjondon » Thu Nov 21, 2019 3:33 pm

'Otherness' seems to be the key intellectuaL idea here, around
which squirms this rather eloquent language that manages to
capture both the irrationality and loss of control inherent.
So you could call it 'Others' though I did like 'lgm' - the squirming lower
case letters, a tiny half word half logo which fairly deftly defies any attempt
to Google it. Perhaps just render it in neon green or add an eensy ™

I would still make one edit, which is to go back to
'a writhing of memory
and otherness'
By making 'writhings' plural it connects more smoothly
and logically with the wet metal cephalopods . . . for me
what works in this poem is a sort of series of metaphorical disconnects
and that cephalopods image in particular is the most shocking and memorable
bit and I think gains from being bracketed by almost visual/mental jump-cuts
(think experimental 60's sci-fi)
Jules

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Nov 22, 2019 1:33 pm

.
Hi Dylan, Jules,
thanks for returning.
OK. OK.
Tampering is a no no. Orignial restored.
I might stick with the current title a while
longer Jules, but it's tough losing lgm.


Regards, Not.

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Fri Nov 22, 2019 2:20 pm

LGM - doh!

This is the sound of a penny dropping from a great height into an idiot’s well.

I can only imagine how much more satisfying a title that must be for those who get it. Tough call, but in your position I’d probably stick with my first instinct.

Regards,
Dylan

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 24, 2019 4:08 pm

.

Thanks Dylan

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by MikeMac » Mon Nov 25, 2019 2:59 pm

Wonderful poem. Love the affect.

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Re: Intrusions (was lgm)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:42 pm

.
Hi Mike,
thanks for the read and comment.

Regards, Not

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