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Dryanddeadwords
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Post by Dryanddeadwords » Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:49 pm

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Last edited by Dryanddeadwords on Tue Nov 26, 2019 10:45 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Perry
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Re: England, 2019

Post by Perry » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:41 am

I like it. You've got the rhythm right, that's for sure.

Not every phrase works well, however, such as "draped in new iPhones" -- quite an accomplishment to drape people in hard objects. My suggestion is that you revise with an eye to making sure every phrase makes literal sense. I like the ending.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Macavity » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:44 am

Welcome to the forum Dylan. A skilful outpour, particularly liked the cardigans/stamps lines, and the rhyming is inventive.
A bold, fat, blond and privileged, lying chief
Only two of those adjectives are relevant and, since L1 sets the tone, I feel this undermines the integrity of the poem. Perhaps this is intentional, that invective labelling is a felt outcome because of those pheremones. The voice in the poem looks down on all:
Multitudes daft and draped in new iPhones
Personally, I like to blame the season tickets, especially for the big games :)

cheers

mac

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:24 am

Thank you for the comments.

Perry, although I respectfully disagree with your suggestion that poetic lines need to make literal sense, I have made a tweak to that line ;)
Macavity, I may get round to changing that line, but for now I’d like to keep the direct mimicry of the Shelley poem.

Cheers,
Dylan

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Perry
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Re: England, 2019

Post by Perry » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:55 am

No, poetry doesn't have to make literal sense, but it helps in a poem like this -- i.e., a poem with traditional roots.

I'm curious about "trans-phobic". Have trans people become such a force in society that being "trans-phobic" is significant? I thought they constituted 1% or 2% of society, if that. Personally, I think that some trans people are merely hopping onto a trend.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Sun Nov 17, 2019 4:10 am

Thank you for engaging Perry.

Dylan

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Re: England, 2019

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:49 pm

.
Hi Dylan,
enjoyed the read.

Not entirely convinced by 'pheromones' though (check spelling),
seems a bit rhyme driven.


A bold, fat, blond and privileged, lying chief;
- would you consider
A fat, bold, blond, elitist, lying chief ?
MP's, reclining, orderless, they scroll
through Twitter —inert as a bas-relief;

- reads as if it's Twitter that is 'inert'
(through Twitter - each one dull, in low-relief ?)
Leaders with empty words about control,
stuck porcine-like in stage one of their grief
for Empire; Opposition parties troll

- maybe
'Oh Empire!' Opposition ...
a disenfranchised people with broadband;
- given the news recently, maybe
a people disenfranchised by broadband ?
Multitudes festooned in new iPhones,
- I'm also not sure about 'festooned', would
Multitudes awash with their new iPhones work?
or
A littered multitude with new iPhones ?
Sky subscriptions, season tickets, trans-
- can you be festooned with undertones?
phobic, sexist, racist undertones;
the Church as meaningful as cardigans;

- very nice.
the Monarchy clutching stamps in wrinkled hands—
- maybe 'grasps' for 'clutching' ?
All future food to feed the pheromones
of anything that lives to pick the bones.

- 'anything' seems a little weak.
(Of children left to pick this nation's bones ?)


Regards, Not.


.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by ray miller » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:20 pm

Enjoyed a lot. Is Johnson bold, in the political sense? People say so, I don't see it. A bully, yes, and of course, it takes a certain bravery to sport a haircut like that. I think the first line is probably the weakest.
stuck porcine-like in stage one of their grief - stuck porcine-like is excellent, but stage one? We seem to have been here for several decades.
for Empire; Opposition parties troll - there's a few words capitalised after semicolons. Why?

I think there needs be something stronger than a comma between season tickets and transphobic.
The cardigan line is very good.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Sun Nov 17, 2019 10:07 pm

Thanks for further comments and suggestions. Just a bit of idle fun really, probably not worth the time. Glad you got something from it though.

Regards,
Dylan

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Suzanne » Mon Nov 18, 2019 5:49 am

"the Church as meaningful as cardigans;
the Monarchy clutching stamps in wrinkled hands—"

A very strong visual encompassing the vulnerabilities of both historical and present citizens.

Dylan is a lovely name.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:51 am

Thank you for the kind words Suzanne. You too have a pretty name.

Dylan

Last edited by Dryanddeadwords on Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by lotus » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:53 am

dear Dylan

"draped in new iPhones"

i find wonderful

deftly paints a fine picture of the spider like web of blue tooth & wifi
that drapes over the shoulders of todays existence
whether it be in GMT or any another local

and i of iPhones
in symbiosis with the i of Ego

my first introduction to your inkwell
and i look forward to more

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:53 am

Hmm, can't get my link to work. that's frustrating.
Anyone know why? Is it a Mac problem maybe?

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Re: England, 2019

Post by lotus » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:56 am

How To Secure Your iPhone: 12 Experts Reveal 26 Essential Security Tips

https://www.forbes.com/sites/daveywinder/2019/11/01/how-to-secure-your-iphone-12-experts-reveal-26-essential-security-tips/#b7725ad3b10b

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm not having any problems here with my iMac
but i have been locked out of the forum for months with my iPhone Xs
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:00 am

Thank you lotus,

I actually replaced the "draped" line, but glad you took something from it.

A warm smile back,
Dylan

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:01 am

And thanks again lotus. It seems our posts keep crossing. I'll check that link.

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Macavity » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:05 am



Use http rather than https (this only works for youtube links)

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:09 am

Thank you Macavity! Fixed!

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Re: England, 2019

Post by bjondon » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:46 pm

Hi Dylan - I've seen three of these and this one is by far the most viable . . . You would
imagine pastiche is potentially the cringe-worthiest of strategies to choose, but actually
for me it's the close-up parallel play with both the music and meaning of Shelley's
masterpiece that I enjoyed here.
In fact I wouldn't be surprised if it was that first marginal inflexion from 'blind' to 'blond'
that tempted you in.

Shelley's opener is like someone hammering their fist on a table and I think you dissipate that a little
by shifting the 'and' and using the tri-syllabic 'privileged' - somehow the weakest word
in that list. I'd just go for the jugular and use 'despised'.

Your curious pheromones made more sense to me after mac's observations. It's an original and interesting twist
though (as with Shelley's) that final couplet feels a bit limp.
Shelley funnels everything, syntactically and thematically down to that magnificent
hinge in his L13 - 'Are graves' …it's a physical, concrete destination and just two pounding
syllables . . . if there was a way of shadowing that . . .
And he precedes that 'hinge' with one of the poem's most memorable and compressed
epithets - 'Time's worst statute unrepealed' . . . You have (presumably?) Her Madgesty
rubber-stamping/figure-heading the government's agenda . . . or are they postage stamps?. . . Could be sharper.

In my head I had your iPhone line as 'Multitudes draped round their new iPhones' - which I thought
caught the signature body language plus an implication that the phones are wearing us, not the
other way around.
'their box-fresh phones'? - (less apple-centric).

Best regards,
Jules

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Re: England, 2019

Post by Dryanddeadwords » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:07 pm

Thank you Jules. As mentioned above, just a bit of frivolity really. I’ll keep your notes in mind if I choose to revise.

Best,
Dylan

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