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Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral (edit)

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:44 am
by JJWilliamson
Changed 'narrow-minded' to "egocentric" in S3

I see you, goblin,
hiding in the old snail’s shell,
before the slime and smell
of the sluggard within
has dissipated.

We anticipated
your impish crooked plan,
you odious little man,
and so we baited
his helical home

with treacle and foam.
Now drop your wicked haul
you egocentric troll
and leave his house alone.

But if you choose to linger
with your sticky tricky fingers,
we’ll fill your stolen car
with feathers, muck and tar.

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 8:26 am
by Firebird
Hi JJ,

I like the title and the quirky nature of the poem, but think it could be pruned into 4 quatrains. See below. One question (and I know I’m probably being thick): is the goblin meant to symbolise anything more that a thief? I did find the poem’s overall meaning a little difficult to follow.

I see you, goblin,
hiding in the old snail’s shell,
before the slime and smell
of the slug had dissipated.

We anticipated
your impish crooked plan,
and so we baited
his helical home

with treacle and foam. (Why ‘form’?)
Now drop your wicked haul
you narrow-minded troll
and leave his house alone.

But if you choose to linger
with your sticky fingers, (no need for ‘thieving’ here)
we’ll fill your stolen car (I think the use of car here is confusing, because it could refer to the shell, too.)
with feathers, muck and tar. (Yes, he’s a coward)


Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 10:10 am
by ray miller
Enjoyed the rhymes. I wonder who the thief is and why he's narrow-minded and what's happened to the old snail and who the car was stolen from. Noddy? I guess you've some esoteric explanation.
Should be "has dissipated" shouldn't it?

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:00 am
by NotQuiteSure
.
Hi JJ,
like the idea (the Groove Armada opening, but not the title), though it all seems a bit inconsistent to me. For instance, 'the smell' suggests the snail had died, so why 'leave his house alone'? And, if the car is stolen then why would you fill it with 'feathers, much and tar'? Isn't that punishing the poor owner, rather than the thief? Also, if a 'goblin' then how a 'troll'? I agree with Tristan about changing 'sluggard' to 'slug' though you could have gone for 'gastropod' to pair with goblin. I'm also baffled by foam. I can see how a goblin might want treacle, but foam? Surely you don't need both 'impish' and 'crooked'? Shouldn't S4 begin 'and' rather than 'but'?

Regards, Not


.

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:16 pm
by Macavity
Enjoyed this JJ. I've suggested some pruning to the modifiers/fillers:

JJWilliamson wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:44 am
I see you, goblin,
hiding in the old snail’s shell,
before the slime and smell
of the sluggard within
had dissipated.

We anticipated
your impish crooked plan,
you odious little man,
and so we baited
his helical home

with treacle and foam.
Now drop your wicked haul
you narrow-minded troll
and leave his house alone.

But if you choose to linger
with your sticky thieving fingers,
we’ll fill your stolen car
with feathers, muck and tar.
best

mac

ps what is the foam?

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:23 pm
by David
I like the title too, and much of the language, but I too await further enlightenment.

I enjoyed it, though - particularly the verse-linking rhymes (which fail for verse 3 ->4?)

Cheers

David

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 10:10 am
by JJWilliamson
Thank you very much, Tristan, Ray, Not, mac and David, for the comments and suggestions. Always appreciated.

It's essentially a fun poem, with a story about theft, betrayal, anger, protectiveness, cunning, opportunism, punishment and death. WHAT FUN!! :)

The rhyme scheme was also just a bit of fun, as was the meter. I'd hoped that it would make for a pleasing and light read with serious undertones about treachery. It's also something of an ekphrastic piece, but I wanted it to work as a stand-alone poem.

I varied the scheme in S4 to indicate the approaching close. Nothing more.
Firebird wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 8:26 am
Hi JJ,

I like the title and the quirky nature of the poem, but think it could be pruned into 4 quatrains. See below. One question (and I know I’m probably being thick): is the goblin meant to symbolise anything more that a thief? I did find the poem’s overall meaning a little difficult to follow. ...Not really, if I'm honest, apart from the references to treachery and vigilance.

I see you, goblin,
hiding in the old snail’s shell,
before the slime and smell
of the slug had dissipated.

We anticipated
your impish crooked plan,
and so we baited
his helical home

with treacle and foam. (Why ‘form’?) ...It's a frothy mixture designed to stymie the goblin's intentions. It would stick to the thief and nail him to the wall.
Now drop your wicked haul
you narrow-minded troll
and leave his house alone.

But if you choose to linger
with your sticky fingers, (no need for ‘thieving’ here) ...It's a rhythm thing.
we’ll fill your stolen car (I think the use of car here is confusing, because it could refer to the shell, too.) ...Never thought of that.
with feathers, muck and tar. (Yes, he’s a coward) ...It references the old punishment of tarring and feathering a felon/thief or treacherous informant.


Hope this helps.

Tristan
ray miller wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 10:10 am
Enjoyed the rhymes. I wonder who the thief is and why he's narrow-minded and what's happened to the old snail and who the car was stolen from. Noddy? I guess you've some esoteric explanation. ...Well, there's no deep background story, only a local and well known thief taking this chances and getting himself well and truly caught. The death of the old snail had affected the community terribly, and knowing the goblin was on the prowl, they took action to prevent him looting the snail's house. However, they only threaten him and give him a chance to behave.

He's narrow-minded because he's unwilling to empathise with the opinions and feelings of others, nor is he willing to see past his own avaricious desires.

The old snail has died.

Noddy is certainly a contender, but it could be anybody.


Should be "has dissipated" shouldn't it? ...Yes, there's tense conflict. Good spot.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:00 am
.
Hi JJ,
like the idea (the Groove Armada opening, but not the title), though it all seems a bit inconsistent to me. For instance, 'the smell' suggests the snail had died, so why 'leave his house alone'? ...The goblin is an opportunist thief who is caught red-handed. They are telling him to leave the dead snail's gear alone. IE Don't steal from the dead snail.

And, if the car is stolen then why would you fill it with 'feathers, much and tar'? Isn't that punishing the poor owner, rather than the thief? ...Ah, but he got away with his crime and the locals know it, even though they don't know where he'd been to steal it in the first place.

Also, if a 'goblin' then how a 'troll'? ...It's an insult!

I agree with Tristan about changing 'sluggard' to 'slug' though you could have gone for 'gastropod' to pair with goblin. I'm also baffled by foam. I can see how a goblin might want treacle, but foam? Surely you don't need both 'impish' and 'crooked'? Shouldn't S4 begin 'and' rather than 'but'? ...The bait is set to catch the villain red-handed. It coats him and reveals his intent.

Regards, Not


.
Macavity wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:16 pm
Enjoyed this JJ. I've suggested some pruning to the modifiers/fillers: ...Thanks for that, mac, but I'm a bit tied up with my rhythms. This could well be the way to go, though.

JJWilliamson wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:44 am
I see you, goblin,
hiding in the old snail’s shell,
before the slime and smell
of the sluggard within
had dissipated.

We anticipated
your impish crooked plan,
you odious little man,
and so we baited
his helical home

with treacle and foam.
Now drop your wicked haul
you narrow-minded troll
and leave his house alone.

But if you choose to linger
with your sticky thieving fingers,
we’ll fill your stolen car
with feathers, muck and tar.
best

mac

ps what is the foam? ...A sticky substance to complement the treacle, making an impossible mixture to scrape off.
David wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:23 pm
I like the title too, and much of the language, but I too await further enlightenment. ...Ah, I'm afraid enlightenment will be more of a shot in the dark. :)

I enjoyed it, though - particularly the verse-linking rhymes (which fail for verse 3 ->4?) ...Pleased you spotted that, David. I varied the scheme to hint that the close was upon us. I could change it and might just do that.

Cheers

David
Thanks again to all for the illuminating responses.

Best

JJ

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:21 am
by ray miller
He's narrow-minded because he's unwilling to empathise with the opinions and feelings of others, nor is he willing to see past his own avaricious desires.

Sounds more like self-centred than narrow-minded.

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 8:28 am
by JJWilliamson
ray miller wrote:
Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:21 am
He's narrow-minded because he's unwilling to empathise with the opinions and feelings of others, nor is he willing to see past his own avaricious desires.

Sounds more like self-centred than narrow-minded.
Thanks for dropping back in, Ray.

Bit of both, I'd say. I'm thinking about "narcissistic" as a possibility. It's a bit of a mouthful, though. I quite like "self-indulgent". Hmmm.

Best

JJ

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral (edit)

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 8:43 am
by Macavity
you egocentric troll
That's an improvement JJ, though I quite like your thought of "narcissistic" too.
with your sticky tricky fingers,
For fun?

Re: Burglary of the Logarithmic Spiral (edit)

Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2019 7:03 pm
by JJWilliamson
Thanks, mac, once again for the thumbs up and the suggestion. I like it so consider it changed. :)
Macavity wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 8:43 am
you egocentric troll
That's an improvement JJ, though I quite like your thought of "narcissistic" too. ...One was harder to say than the other. :)
with your sticky tricky fingers,


For fun? ...It's also in keeping with the general tone.
Best

JJ