Holes

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6578
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Holes

Post by ray miller » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:08 am

I’ve dug too deep and a reckless fork
has struck guts and gore
with a piercing hiss:
the smothering stink of dog remains.
I quickly cover a forgotten cadaver
but memory fastens upon the odour
and tugs me along again:
a guide-dog for the blind rejected
for showing fear when near traffic,
and a discomposing habit
of staring at the heavens.
Neither trait was prominent
when licking and lolloping
her way into all affections but mine.
I was convinced she feigned incompetence
in search of role satisfaction:
the comfy basket and chocolate biscuit,
the leisurely stroll and roll in sheep shit.
My missus said that that was rubbish
and recalled the time that I purported
to be fond of dogs myself so as
to worm my way under her bedsheets.
I was star-struck in those days, I replied,
hadn’t yet learnt to avert my eyes from the skies
and take care where I was treading.
When will I ever stop digging?
Last edited by ray miller on Mon Sep 02, 2019 4:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1714
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Holes

Post by 1lankest » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:56 am

Great! Another laugh-aloud Ray poem. It bounds along in true canine fashion.

I would ditch this line, however -

‘and avoid stepping in dog-shit.’
The final digging line is grounding enough and, by then, we get the dog shit bit.

Luke

bjondon
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: Holes

Post by bjondon » Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:48 pm

Shouldn't that be 'in search of extramural satisfaction'?
Loved the basket, biscuit, sheep shit, Missus, rubbish, bedsheet progression.
Last two lines either too much or not enough.
Maybe a more oblique way of signposting the dogshit?
Jules

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2213
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Holes

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:00 pm

.
Hi ray,
very enjoyable read. L22 was a highlight. Almost wanted it to stop there,
but makes sense that it doesn't. Though I agree with Luke and Jules about
the 'dog-shit' (especially after 'sheep shit') - why not go for an ellipsis?
and avoid stepping in ...
When will I ever stop digging
?

L1 - Not convinced by 'dug' and 'fork'. Who digs with a fork?
Would it still work as
I've dug too deep and the tip of my blade/spade
has struck guts and gore ...
?

L5 - Maybe 'hastily' for 'quickly' ?

L6 - Could memory fastens its teeth on the odour or something a bit more canine
follows the/picks up the scent of that odour ?

L15 - I was convinced maybe I'm convinced ... ?

L17 - the chocolate biscuit ?


Regards, Not



.

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6578
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Holes

Post by ray miller » Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:10 pm

Thanks, fellas. I'm reconsidering the dog-shit line.
"Who digs with a fork?" - What else would you do with a garden fork?
memory fastens its teeth on the odour - yeah, that might work, though I had in mind a dog lead being fastened.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Joao
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 126
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2016 1:12 pm

Re: Holes

Post by Joao » Sat Aug 31, 2019 3:48 pm

'The odour collars memory', perhaps?
ray miller wrote:
Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:10 pm
memory fastens its teeth on the odour - yeah, that might work, though I had in mind a dog lead being fastened.

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6578
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Holes

Post by ray miller » Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:06 am

Changed the penultimate line. Thanks for the suggestion, Joao, but I'm going to leave as is.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1714
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Holes

Post by 1lankest » Sun Sep 01, 2019 11:46 am

Better, Ray, but do you need ‘of’?

And take care where I was treading...

Luke

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6578
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Holes

Post by ray miller » Mon Sep 02, 2019 4:09 pm

You're right, Luke, thanks.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Post Reply