Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

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Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:48 am

V5

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rubble
from the Blitz wasn’t checked in the 60s
when buildings rose like blisters, and I roamed
with my shirt off in the summer heat.


V4

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s scanning ground
to see if danger lay beneath
the office block just cleared away,

because the rubble from the blitz
went unchecked in the 60s,
when I roamed with my shirt off
and concrete buildings rose like blisters.


V3

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath
the office block just cleared away,

because the rubble from the blitz
went unchecked in the 60s,
when I would play with my shirt off
and concrete blocks rose like blisters.


V2

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath
the concrete block just cleared away,

because the rubble left by war -
where I used to roam with my shirt off
in the heat - wasn’t checked in the 60s
when brutalism was the rage.


V1

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rumble
left by war wasn’t checked in the 60s
when brutalism was the rage, and I roamed
with my shirt off in summer’s heat.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Aug 04, 2019 10:48 am

.
Hi Tristan,
like the new title, liked the old title :) but
I don't think and I roamed ... works as well
with this one. It feels a little like an
unfinished thought.
(Reservations about the army being called
in before a device is discovered still apply :) )

Could you, perhaps, add something between
anything's and beneath? Ticking, viable, remains ..?
Or, alternatively
to see if anything beneath the concrete
block survived the blitz

- depending on what the bombing of Sheffield
was called. Then start a second stanza with
Because the rumble ... ?

Regards, Not


.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Perry » Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:10 pm

Firebird wrote:
Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:48 am
Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rumble
left by war wasn’t checked in the 60s
when brutalism was the rage, and I roamed
with my shirt off in summer’s heat.
I like this poem. It definitely distills a moment in time. Throwing in a reference to the innocence of youth is very effective.

I'm just trying to figure out what war was raging where you lived in the '60's (if you still live in the same place). I might think that you are talking about bombs left over from WWII, but I don't think you mean that. Also, isn't brutalism always the rage?

Oh, I just realized that the title tells us where it is.

Altogether, however, I think this poem works nicely.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by JamesM » Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:36 pm

Hello there,
Should that be 'rubble'?
Agree with Not's desire for something before beneath....adds tension.
Also block alone might benefit from expanding: block of flats/council block/ high-rise etc
And you might look at changing the passive voice..cleared and checked.
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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Harbal » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:10 pm

Firebird wrote:
Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:48 am

Across the road from where I work
I work in Sheffield. :shock:

Where exactly is the bomb? :(

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Sun Aug 04, 2019 4:31 pm

Hi Not,

Many thanks for the very useful comments. I’ve tried to incorporate some of them in V3.

Hi Perry,

Really pleased you found something to like in the first draft. The bomb was from ww2.

Hi Jame,

Again, some useful point which I have tried to use in V3.

Harbal,

Thanks for commenting. The bomb disposal unit were doing geo-phys on a site hear Hoyle Street, Sheffield, where an office block had just been demolished.

Many thanks all for commenting.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Harbal » Sun Aug 04, 2019 4:47 pm

Firebird wrote:
Sun Aug 04, 2019 4:31 pm
The bomb disposal unit were doing geo-phys on a site hear Hoyle Street, Sheffield, where an office block had just been demolished.
Yes, I know it, across from the Shell garage. I only work a few hundred yards away, there could easily be another one underneath where I park my car. You couldn't ask the geo-phys lads to pop over and take a look, could you?

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Aug 04, 2019 5:09 pm

.
Hi Tristan,

like V3, you made the title work well and tied up those loose ends. :)

Would still push for something before beneath, 'set' maybe?
Wondered, also, if they could be 'scanning' or similar?
Might there was a way to develop the 'carbuncle' theme here?
Alternatively
to see what dangers lie beneath

Cut the 'the' before 'rubble' and should 'building' be plural?
Now you've changed the ending, 'roam' works fine (better, I think,
than play. Put it back! :) )

I had no idea the Sheffield blitz was so destructive. 10% left homeless,
2000+ killed/injured, and in just two nights.

Regards, Not

.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:25 pm

Hi Not,

Many thanks for returning. I’ve made some more changes in line with most of your suggestions. There was meant to be a kind of inexact metaphor hinted at in this poem about sun burn/time-bombs and skin cancer, but don’t think it’s coming through.

Thanks for all the help.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Perry » Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:54 pm

My apologies. Because you mentioned the 1960's, I assume that the war was raging then.

First, I prefer the poem as one unit instead of two stanzas. I just feel that you don't want a pause in a poem so short.

Adding the word "Blitz" clarified the timeline. However, I feel that some of the nonchalant moodiness of the first draft has disappeared in the later drafts.

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rumble
left by the Blitz wasn’t checked in the 60s
when brutalism was the rage, and I roamed
with my shirt off in summer’s heat.

That satisfies me -- except that I still don't know when "brutalism" raged -- WWII or the 60's?

The "blisters" image isn't bad, however. How about this?

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rumble
left by the Blitz wasn’t checked in the 60s
when buildings rose like blisters, and I roamed
with my shirt off in the summer heat.

What do you think? I like ending the poem with the shirt image rather than the blister image. This version, I think, keeps most of its un-self-conscious innocence. I prefer "the summer heat" to "summer's heat".
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Poet » Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:59 pm

Beautiful writing, I love this piece. There was something special about it I just can't put a finger on it.

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:03 pm

The "blisters" image isn't bad, however. How about this?

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rumble
left by the Blitz wasn’t checked in the 60s
when buildings rose like blisters, and I roamed
with my shirt off in the summer heat.

Hi Perry,

Thanks for returning. I like your version very much and think it has many merit, but need now a little time to think which I want to go with. I only split the poem into two stanzas because S1 deals with issues around the present, and s2 deals with the past.

Many thanks.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:06 pm

Many thanks Poet. Pleased you enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Macavity » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:28 am

Across the road from where I work
a bomb disposal unit’s doing geo-phys
to see if anything’s beneath the concrete
block just cleared away, because the rubble
from the Blitz wasn’t checked in the 60s
when buildings rose like blisters, and I roamed
with my shirt off in the summer heat.
hi Tristan,
The blisters are a great image, though I connected more with landscape/heat/title than skin cancer. You could push the latter by going for heat wave rather than summer heat, though history/legacy/time are more interesting aspects of the poem for me.

enjoyed

mac

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by JamesM » Mon Aug 05, 2019 9:26 am

Hello there
Blisters and buildings isn't an alliance that works for me. Originally, I felt the core of this was about the unacknowledged dangers that lurk beyond innocence. But now I'm not so sure, so perhaps you need to establish a clear focus.
Regards

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:57 pm

Hello,Tristan

A bit late to this one!
I think on balance I prefer V4
but would suggest replacing "buildings" with "eyesores" - a word that was much in use at the time to disprove
of all those ugly,walkway-ridden blocks that were going up,iirc.

Oh,and for the sake of accuracy (and fashion :) ),surely you roamed "with shirt-round-waist" ?

TLF
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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Aug 05, 2019 5:26 pm

The close makes it for me, Tristan. Without the duality it would be an interesting piece of news
but not much more. With it I see the unhidden dangers that were overlooked through ignorance
and haste, where the swinging 60's were a tad reckless. Skin cancer lurked in much the same way,
when we simply didn't know AND didn't particularly want to know about the dangers of sunlight.

Further to that, you sound a note of relief by subtly showing how things have changed since then,
for now we seem to be addressing the mistakes of the past. H & S isn't all bad. :)

Enjoyed

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Carbuncles in Sheffield (Was: Time Bombs in Sheffield)

Post by Firebird » Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:43 am

Thanks James for returning. I’m not completely sure though if I agree about the blisters/building image being wrong. I know a blister doesn’t resemble a building literally, but it does look unpleasant and rise very quickly as these building did. You are right though, the image isn’t a full match, but I’m not sure it really matters here.

TLF, many thanks for the read and commenting. I like your suggestions about ‘eyesores’; however, I think I’m going to stay with V5 as V4 seems a little contrived to me now. ‘Shirt around waist’ would be right, but it isn’t the image I wanted.

JJ, pleased you picked up on the dualilities. Your interp was exactly what I was going for, but it’s not been picked up on by others which maybe means this poem still needs some work.

Cheers all,

Tristan

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