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Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v2)

Posted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:44 am
by Macavity
Might not 'biker' imply 'leathers'?
Agreed, but the prompt fixes the image in the reader's mind and nudges a contrast with the opening 'fur' description; whereas funereal monotone apology is now carrying two adjectives in a short poem (death/funeral are both doing the same job anyway).

Agree with Jules on left/leaving.

best

mac

Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v2)

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 2:30 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi James, Jules, mac.
Thanks for returning.

Well, didn't see that one coming. :)
A return to the original it is, with 'left' replacing 'leaving'.

James, I'll forgo David's comma, at least for now, as there's a(n attempt at a) joke there which it undercuts.

Thanks all and again

regards, Not.


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Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v2)

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:14 pm
by David
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 2:30 pm
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James, I'll forgo David's comma, at least for now, as there's a(n attempt at a) joke there which it undercuts.

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There is? I'm not doubting it, but it's going over my head at the moment. I like the modestly placed brackets in your comment, though.

Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v2)

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:58 pm
by twoleftfeet
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 2:30 pm
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James, I'll forgo David's comma, at least for now, as there's a(n attempt at a) joke there which it undercuts.

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Hi,again,NQS

- A slight return (without a Hendrix guitar solo).

Now that I'm prompted to look for a joke,I can see the gallows humour but the problem is
- who would dream of looking for it,given that the cat is "yours".
The idea of the cat/biker leaving a little death is as much a touching observation as it is an amusing little joke,in my view.
If the cat belonged to someone else,however e.g an annoying neighbour, - that would make it easier for me
to break off empathising with the sad aspects of the poemc.
Your reveal could then have something like....returned one morning,,,,,,dumped outside....in a bin bag...
the biker...crept off again,leaving much.....

Possibly another poem altogether,though - but it would let you give your dark side free reign. :twisted:

Cheers
T

Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v1b)

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 1:57 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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After due consultation, David's comma added. Matter closed.

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Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v1b)

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:35 pm
by JamesM
Forgot to mention the switch this/his was a good edit.
Regards

Re: When Happy He Would Drool (v1b)

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:47 pm
by NotQuiteSure
JamesM wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:35 pm
Forgot to mention the switch this/his was a good edit.
Thanks very much.

Regards, Not

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