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Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am
by RCJames
So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the ruins - sunk into what was always

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.

Re: Full Wallop

Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 11:53 pm
by ton321
Hi RC

I liked the piece. It felt real and raw. For some reason i particularly liked the lines


me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was always

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,


it doesn't particularly make much logical sense, but makes emotional sense

Tony

Re: Full Wallop

Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 9:59 am
by twoleftfeet
I agree with ton321,RC.

Tbh,I struggled with this poem to begin with - the image of a relationship as a dysfunctional building site destroying
itself (or perhaps simply the dismantling of a relationship?) seemed bizarre;but after a few reads it began to make some kind of sense.

The ending is explosive.

Nice one,
TLF

Re: Full Wallop

Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:26 pm
by Poet
RCJames wrote:
Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am
So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.(I thought this line was outstanding

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.Interesting line

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was alwaysI love the contrast between the machine and the site

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,Beautiful line
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.
Overall I think you have something here, keep writing, you'll get there.

Re: Full Wallop

Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:27 pm
by Poet
Poet wrote:
Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:26 pm
RCJames wrote:
Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am
So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.(I thought this line was outstanding)

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.(Interesting line)

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was always(I love the contrast between the machine and the site)

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,(Beautiful line)
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.
Overall I think you have something here, keep writing, you'll get there.

Re: Full Wallop

Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2019 12:31 am
by barrett
Remarkable piece of writing, RC. It's an awkward and uncomfortable read, just as it should be.

Not nits from me on the body of the piece but I have a slight reservation about the title, does wallop have a bit of a comical overtone that jars with the theme. Could just be me though.

barrett

Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:23 am
by RCJames
barrett - agree w/ you on the title - changed it but am still thinking - RC

Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:58 pm
by HonourStedman
Some meaty stuff in there, RC, and in its best lines powerful and raw. You COULD edit this poem to improve its "logic" but that might well be a retrograde step. Keep it as it is, in my opinion.

Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2019 3:34 pm
by RCJames
I changed "site" to "ruins" to get away from the "construction site" inference - RC

Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2019 12:40 am
by barrett
Works for me, RC.