Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

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RCJames
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Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Post by RCJames » Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am

So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the ruins - sunk into what was always

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.
Last edited by RCJames on Tue Jun 18, 2019 3:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

ton321
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Re: Full Wallop

Post by ton321 » Sun Jun 16, 2019 11:53 pm

Hi RC

I liked the piece. It felt real and raw. For some reason i particularly liked the lines


me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was always

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,


it doesn't particularly make much logical sense, but makes emotional sense

Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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twoleftfeet
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Re: Full Wallop

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jun 17, 2019 9:59 am

I agree with ton321,RC.

Tbh,I struggled with this poem to begin with - the image of a relationship as a dysfunctional building site destroying
itself (or perhaps simply the dismantling of a relationship?) seemed bizarre;but after a few reads it began to make some kind of sense.

The ending is explosive.

Nice one,
TLF
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Full Wallop

Post by Poet » Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:26 pm

RCJames wrote:
Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am
So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.(I thought this line was outstanding

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.Interesting line

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was alwaysI love the contrast between the machine and the site

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,Beautiful line
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.
Overall I think you have something here, keep writing, you'll get there.

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Re: Full Wallop

Post by Poet » Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:27 pm

Poet wrote:
Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:26 pm
RCJames wrote:
Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:06 am
So stupid, how do you lose a job?
You're just a liar, stupid, so stupid;


as I'm outspread on the wood floor,
her barefoot kicks find my ribs,
repeatedly, like all the papers say,
rage fortified her movements fully.(I thought this line was outstanding)

I straggled up, sore-wounded body,
flayed, betrayed-again soul, full gasp,
grabbed her, threw her down to a
sheer, bent-rant tirade into ether.(Interesting line)

Heaps, both me and her lying cold,
me holding her against an onslaught
of heavy head machinery overrunning
the site - sunk into what was always(I love the contrast between the machine and the site)

aftermath soaked in oily face regret,(Beautiful line)
neither of us admitting a break in time,
just on-flooding waves of soft, fleshy nausea,
and a look back into crazy reasons, hostage

to the loaded guns with safeties off we held
up to the light like the lost dreams of a child.
Overall I think you have something here, keep writing, you'll get there.

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Re: Full Wallop

Post by barrett » Tue Jun 18, 2019 12:31 am

Remarkable piece of writing, RC. It's an awkward and uncomfortable read, just as it should be.

Not nits from me on the body of the piece but I have a slight reservation about the title, does wallop have a bit of a comical overtone that jars with the theme. Could just be me though.

barrett

RCJames
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Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:23 am

barrett - agree w/ you on the title - changed it but am still thinking - RC

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Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Post by HonourStedman » Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:58 pm

Some meaty stuff in there, RC, and in its best lines powerful and raw. You COULD edit this poem to improve its "logic" but that might well be a retrograde step. Keep it as it is, in my opinion.

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Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 18, 2019 3:34 pm

I changed "site" to "ruins" to get away from the "construction site" inference - RC

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Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Post by barrett » Wed Jun 19, 2019 12:40 am

Works for me, RC.

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