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Girl with Boa

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:27 am
by NotQuiteSure
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Girl with Boa


I call it Quetzalcoatl, she paused,
a test. Her glazed red lips enunciating
each syllable with an epicurean's pleasure
and precision. Tangled in the black nets

I could only watch: her tongue
tasting pheromones and phonemes
as the moment stretched. Anticipation,
she whispered. It's just a jump to the left.


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Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 1:19 pm
by bjondon
Very good Not.
Snake or woman? Either way it would
appear the poet is about to be eaten.
Haven't figured out the last sentence
but like the ambiguity.
Wouldn't change a thing.
Jules

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:56 pm
by ton321
Hi Not,

I like the piece, but i feel I'm not getting the last line-
It's just a jump to the left.
There's the internal rhyme of test, nets, stretched, left that threads the piece together, but i feel i need more information

Tony

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:24 am
by JJWilliamson
Quite the delicious piece, Not, but that last line also has me scratching my head.
There is sensuality, danger and temptation flowing through each line but I'm not sure I'm connecting as I should.

Is the title, for example, to be taken literally? It would make all the difference.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:27 am
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Girl with Boa

I call it Quetzalcoatl, she paused,
a test. Her glazed red lips enunciating
each syllable with an epicurean's pleasure ...There's a hedonistic performance taking place, perhaps.
and precision. Tangled in the black nets ...Not enough info' as to the nature of these nets. Stockings, props?

I could only watch: her tongue
tasting pheromones and phonemes ...Girl or snake? Pheromones suggests the girl. I'm not sure how phonemes and pheromones connect, unless it's a sonic device.
as the moment stretched. Anticipation,
she whispered. It's just a jump to the left. ...Is this left brain thinking?


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Still, it's an engaging poem that drips sensuality. If not then I'm away with the mixer.

Best

JJ

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 11:35 am
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jules, Tony, JJ.

No Rocky Horror Show fans then?

JJWilliamson wrote:
Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:24 am
Is the title, for example, to be taken literally? It would make all the difference.
Yes, but it does depend on what you understand Boa to mean. Could be a constrictor or, as Quetzalcoatl was, famously, a feathered serpent,
maybe it's just a feather boa. You takes your choice.
Nets - your first thought was correct, fishnet stockings.
JJWilliamson wrote:
Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:24 am
I'm away with the mixer
??? :)

Thanks all.

Regards, Not.

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Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:11 am
by Firebird
Hi Not, I didn’t relate this poem to the rocky horror show, but did get the rest of your references, even the fishnet stockings which I thought was clear and clever considering the context. I would like this poem much more if you dropped the Rocky horror connection, (which I think the poem is far too sensual and interesting for) but then you’d have to get rid of that last line, which I don’t think should be a problem. It may have been initially inspired by the show, but I think it’s outgrown it.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:27 am
.
Girl with Boa


I call it Quetzalcoatl, she paused,
a test. Her glazed red lips enunciating
each syllable with an epicurean's pleasure
and precision. Tangled in the black nets

I could only watch: her tongue
tasting pheromones and phonemes
as the moment stretched. Anticipation,
she whispered. It's just a jump to the left.


.

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 1:44 pm
by bjondon
You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters
are you Not? I'm more of a Mary Poppins man myself
(I usually go as a penguin).
This is a really superb piece, sonics and concept.
You are very good with animals (cf Bear Pit)
but also drugs (cf You Are The Rain) - They could almost be
a little trilogy. Somehow reminds me a bit of Aldous Huxley.
Both 70's soft porn and touching the roots of Mayan/Mesoamerican
mindset - and an incest myth apparently, which seems to fit.
So do you dump the RHS quote? Tristan is right, this has way outgrown that
- but I like silly/serious swerves and it sounds great.
Still more to uncoil I suspect.
Jules

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:37 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the crit.
'outgrown'- Jules concurs, and who am I to argue? Question is,
is it sufficient to just replace the quote - with something like,
'And I held my breath' - or does it need more than that?
(I may have to leave it for a bit until I forget the RHS angle.)


Hi Jules,
bjondon wrote:
Mon Apr 22, 2019 1:44 pm
You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters are you Not?
No, never had the legs for it :)
You say penguin and now I'm thinking Burgess Meredith.
I liked the 'silly swerve' too, but, as you say ...

Regards, Not

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Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 8:42 pm
by Firebird
Hi Not,

You could finish the poem with ‘And I held my breath’, and it would be a good poem, but I think it would be better still with a little more.

Cheers,

Tristan

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:17 pm
by HonourStedman
Great little poem, NotQuiteSure, and I really like that sudden "shift" the reader experiences with the last line. The poem is sensual and enigmatic.

Re: Girl with Boa

Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:30 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Thanks very much Honour.

Must admit I'm partial to the 'shift', but Tristan's got me thinking (thanks Tristan!)

Regards (both), Not.

ps - A little more in what direction, Tristan?

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