The Shining One

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churinga
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The Shining One

Post by churinga » Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:46 pm

The shining one, where is he now?
I look for him between dust and tears
and down the valley of the years.

And the healing breath and cool, cool waters.
Can they be summoned up, to come to us
when nothing's left and nothing lasts?

Oh the shining one, the lord of cries,
my death's stillborn and days are long.
Hear me now, please hear my song.

Perry
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Re: The Shining One

Post by Perry » Wed Oct 17, 2018 3:27 am

I'm guessing that the "shining one" is Christ, since Christ is always portrayed in art with beams coming from his head. So I read this as a plea to Christ to improve the lot of the narrator. I think it suffers from being non-specific. For me it would have more meaning if I knew what the complaint was, why the narrator is losing faith. Some of the terminology also sounds familiar, especially "dust and tears". A "stillborn" death doesn't make much sense to me. So, grounding this poem in a real event would make it more meaningful, in my view.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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Re: The Shining One

Post by Firebird » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:57 am

I second what Perry said. It’s very abstract at present and needs more concrete content.

The rhyming scheme isnt maintained in S2 with full rhymes as it is in s1 and s3. I think it probably should be.

I think I understand what you are getting at with ‘death’s stillborn’ but not really sure it works.

I do like though the idea conveyed in lines 2 and 3, even if it is set up by a cliche (ie. dust and tears).

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Shining One

Post by ray miller » Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:04 am

I like the idea of death being stillborn, if it's a means of describing long-suffering. Well, I still like it even if it isn't. As for the rest, I just didn't find it very interesting. The language and the sentiments are too well-worn, I feel.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The Shining One

Post by bjondon » Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:10 pm

Hi churinga,
I'm picking up some of the cadence and bitter sweetness
of Gershwin's Summertime.
It's an odd mix of song lyric rounded cliches hiding
nuggets of compact meaning.
I think S2 is the weak one.
Could this partly be about chronic illness and an
evocation of an earlier or idealised self?

Jules

churinga
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Re: The Shining One

Post by churinga » Wed Oct 17, 2018 9:37 pm

Hi guys

Jules,
the 2nd verse refers to the breath of God, eg ruach elohim. 'Cool waters' to the Jewish ritual of mikvah. which is obscure but baptism is the same thing. I used to sing 'Summertime' so it wouldn't surprise me that the poem fits that melody.

Ray
I agree it is well worn but so am I.

Tristan and Perry,
I wanted to keep it brief as it is a personal plea/prayer to a spiritual being that has appeared before. No idea who, he didn't give his name.

all the best

Ross

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