Growth

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ray miller
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Growth

Post by ray miller » Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:10 am

Summer’s garden shimmered, green and petalled;
her face a constellation of freckles.
Autumn’s leaves have speckled the fields with gold;
her skin drawn dark by a cluster of moles.
Last edited by ray miller on Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

churinga
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Re: Growth

Post by churinga » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:13 am

Hi Ray

One verse does not a poem make.

cheers

Ross

David
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Re: Growth

Post by David » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:39 am

churinga wrote:
Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:13 am
Hi Ray

One verse does not a poem make.

cheers

Ross
Oh I don't know about that. Enough is always enough, and I like it as it is. (It could be extended, at will, though.)

The "shimmered" could possibly be "shimmers", to agree with the tense in lines 3-4. It's a lovely line.

Maybe "her skin is drawn dark"?

Like Ross, I wouldn't mind this being longer, but I think it survives nicely as it is.

David

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Growth

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:55 pm

Hi Ray

Food for thought and a bit painful to read.

Could be seen as a macabre observation, with the "growth" being potentially cancerous.
ray miller wrote:
Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:10 am
Summer’s garden shimmered, green and petalled;
her face a constellation of freckles.
Autumn’s leaves have speckled the streets with gold;
her skin drawn dark by a cluster of moles. ...You move from freckles(harmless) to moles(risky) and combine them with delightful constellations and sinister clusters. Dark indeed.


Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

ray miller
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Re: Growth

Post by ray miller » Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:45 pm

Thanks, fellas.
churinga wrote:
Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:13 am
Hi Ray

One verse does not a poem make.

cheers

Ross
And the days are not full enough?
David - there's meant to be a change in tense from 1st half to 2nd half.
JJ - Could be seen as a macabre observation, with the "growth" being potentially cancerous. - Yeah, that's the gist of it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

bjondon
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Re: Growth

Post by bjondon » Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:47 pm

Hi Ray,
Four exquisite chords, tha dissonance of the last heart-wrenching.
Is there an element of mischief here with the moles though?
It would be a strange twist but life goes on in the garden,
a third facet for the title.
Jules

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Re: Growth

Post by David » Thu Oct 18, 2018 4:25 pm

ray miller wrote:
Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:45 pm

David - there's meant to be a change in tense from 1st half to 2nd half.
There is? D'oh!

I think I can see that now. There's growth for you. Apologies for the obtuseness. It's a much more affecting poem than I realised.

David

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Re: Growth

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Oct 19, 2018 2:00 pm

.
Elegantly concise, ray, and some nice sonics.
'by' (L4) is a little bit of a stumble, for me,
why not 'around'? - but it's a very minor nit.
As is layout, still, in for a penny ...

Summer’s garden shimmered,
green and petalled; her face
a constellation of freckles.

Autumn’s leaves have speckled
the fields with gold; her skin
drawn dark by a cluster of moles.


(Actually, if I was being really picky
I'd question 'constellation', seems a bit
out of place. Maybe either mosaic or
scattering ... or neither :) That said
could 'cluster' be replaced by 'labour'
or 'company'?)

Regards, Not.
.

ray miller
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Re: Growth

Post by ray miller » Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:59 am

Thanks all. I like your version, NQS, probably use that.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

1lankest
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Re: Growth

Post by 1lankest » Fri Oct 26, 2018 2:11 pm

Nice, Ray. Do you need ‘with’ gold?
Nice romantic tone to offset the slightly tragi-comic content.

L

ray miller
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Re: Growth

Post by ray miller » Sun Oct 28, 2018 8:08 pm

Thanks, Luke. Yes, I could lose "with".
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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