The Clock Struck One (new title)

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NotQuiteSure
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The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm

.
v3
The Clock Struck One


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch!
Wait … Quick,

dash out by the sofa
darting 'cross the floor
skirting round the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- with no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
while slumbering down
come some snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon
of fruity fragrance,
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum-rumbly, 'want-eat'!
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


____________________________________________



The Clock Struck One


In the carpeted quiet
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slowly descending
come snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(with a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon
of fruity fragrance,
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum's hungry, 'want-eat'!
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


____________________________________________________



Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun Nov 11, 2018 3:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Perry
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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by Perry » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:36 pm

This is a cute poem, with appealing language. An occasional word -- like "maw" -- seems inappropriate, and I would like it better if it were shorter and didn't have so many sound effects, as if it were a cartoon for children. Indeed, it does seems to be written for children. If your intended audience is children, I can't fault the poem much, except to say that you might make the action more explicit.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by Macavity » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:44 pm

Yes, fun poem NQS. I agree with perry on maw in this poem, though I've always quite liked the word.

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm
.
Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,...............................like the play
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,......................................like the image
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.............a bit ordinary
Advance like a bishop.................. :) like it
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.

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Mirrorball
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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by Mirrorball » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:56 pm

It's good to see you back on the boards Not.

There's a quick pace to the rhythm of this poem that's fitting for the subject and I found it to be an exhilarating read.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm
.
Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click - I don't get this, is it a mouse trap clue of what's to come?
to shadow. Watch! Wait … wait at the end of the line is a little bit clichéd in my view

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor, this line is a bit clumsy to my ear. I think it's 'across' that breaks the rhythm
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly, I like it. Makes me think of mouse too
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats, again, good mouse like image without the wings
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads Not sure about use of moon here particularly since it crops up later
as slumbering downstairs Clumsy to my ear
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug, fug could be one of those inappropriate words Perry was talking about
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.I love the pace of this

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream, Cliché
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air, I don't like this stanza, seems like it's overdone, I think you could lose it and get to the cheese quicker.
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop I don't get it. How does a bishop advance? Diagonally like a chess piece?
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge, not sure about shivering, some variant of humming might work better
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.
You could call it: 'I didn't see a cat' :)

ray miller
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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by ray miller » Sun Oct 14, 2018 11:24 am

Very nice. I like the 3rd verse.
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds. - not sure if that indicates the sleepers are up or down

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating, -excellent


I assume the N is a mouse. I can't quite see a mouse advancing like a bishop and, you know what, mice aren't particularly fond of cheese.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by churinga » Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:50 pm

Hi Not

Very satisfying read. I want the first V to also be a quatrain.
I agree with the comment about one V being omitted.

Terrific poem.

Ross

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Oct 16, 2018 10:25 am

.
Thanks to Perry, mac, Mirror, ray, Ross.

Thanks for the read Perry.
Yes this was an attempt to write a poem for children. The use of words like 'maw'
was in their 'occasionality' (if that's a word) but will ponder.
__________________________

Hi mac

Yes, fun poem NQS. I agree with perry on maw in this poem, though I've always
quite liked the word.

Tricky thing to balance, 'maw' - obviously used for the rhyme, but also because
I remember delighting in new words, still do (!), but will ponder.

....

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with nee
d.............a bit ordinary
- yes, I'm not that happy with it, feels like a place-holder.
Advance like a bishop.................. :) like it
and capture the cheese!

Thanks for the critique.
__________________________

It's good to see you back on the boards Not.
Thanks Mirror, just a brief nhs stay-cation (or two).
Detailed critique much appreciated.

There's a quick pace to the rhythm of this poem that's fitting
for the subject and I found it to be an exhilarating read.

Gratified by that, thanks.

Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -

I don't get this, is it a mouse trap clue of what's to come?
Maybe, or the sound of claws on wood :)
to shadow. Watch! Wait
… wait at the end of the line is a little bit clichéd in my view
Fair enough, but might it not be redeemed in the 'performance' ?

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,

this line is a bit clumsy to my ear. I think it's 'across' that breaks the rhythm
Hmm, wasn't sure about 'darting' ... will ponder.
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.


In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,

I like it. Makes me think of mouse too
:)
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,

again, good mouse like image without the wings
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads

Not sure about use of moon here particularly since it crops up later
A number of things a 'repeated/paired', maybe it's not necessary but
it seemed better to start with them than not.
as slumbering downstairs
Clumsy to my ear
the contraction of snoring and lumbering appealed, but ...
come snores from the beds.

a Parmesan fug,
fug could be one of those inappropriate words Perry was talking about
Maybe, but it was originally '19th century school-children's slang', and it's
an interesting word.
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

I love the pace of this
thanks
....

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream
,
Cliché
Surely the whole piece is? But if you're a kid ...
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.


Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,

I don't like this stanza, seems like it's overdone,
I think you could lose it and get to the cheese quicker.

- Yes, Ross seems to have the same opinion,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:


all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop

I don't get it. How does a bishop advance? Diagonally like a chess piece?
Yep, the tiles are black and white after all.
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
not sure about shivering, some variant of humming might work better
I just like the idea that a fridge might be cold or scared all alone in the kitchen.

* (better titles happily accepted)

You could call it: 'I didn't see a cat' :)
What, after I'd just not seen a coyote?
__________________________

Thanks for the read ray.

as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

- not sure if that indicates the sleepers are up or down
Right. Revisit 'slumbering' it is.

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,

-excellent
thanks

I assume the N is a mouse. I can't quite see a mouse advancing like a bishop and,
you know what, mice aren't particularly fond of cheese.

I didn't know that, do now (bloody Disney), but substituting seeds/fruit shouldn't be
too much of a problem. As for the bishop, I was just following on from the black
and white tiles.
__________________________

Thanks Ross,
yes you're right about v1, will rework, and I assume the v to omit is 'song in the air'?


Again, thanks to everyone.
Regards, Not.

.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by churinga » Tue Oct 16, 2018 7:18 pm

My kids had several pet mice.
They ate cheddar style cheese.
Like rats, they are omnivores.

love those mices to pieces

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by Firebird » Tue Oct 16, 2018 9:20 pm

It's a good one Not - a really good read. I love the 'coats hanging like bats' and the 'shivering fridge'. It also has a great driving rhythm. I agree with what was said about s1 being a quatrain. I wanted it to be one, too.

Some specific comments below.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm
.
Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw. (I had to look up 'maw', which as you say may not be a problem if you are a child :D )

In the carpeted quiet: (nice sonics)
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly, (I like this line)
now dusty and flat. (Although this Stanza sounds good, it somehow doesn't seem to do quite enough. I think it's because it's purely descriptive with no action. The next Stanza is lifted by the great image of 'coats hanging like bats')

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy) ('neat and tidy' is weak for me)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail. (Lovely Stanza)

Run right down the hall (this line reads a bit slow for the meaning)
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream, (this is a little worn)
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop (do you mean advance 'diagonally' here?)
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.
It's a great end, Not.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by ray miller » Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:08 am

churinga wrote:
Tue Oct 16, 2018 7:18 pm
My kids had several pet mice.
They ate cheddar style cheese.
Like rats, they are omnivores.

love those mices to pieces

Yeah, but were they given a choice? Unless you can provide evidence of a rigorously controlled experiment I ain't having it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by ray miller » Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:12 am

I didn't know that, do now (bloody Disney), but substituting seeds/fruit shouldn't be
too much of a problem. As for the bishop, I was just following on from the black
and white tiles.



What black and white tiles!?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Oct 17, 2018 11:26 am

.
Thanks Ross,
but I think empirical ray is right (galling as that may be) -
what I've subsequently read is that they're much more likely
to be attracted to the smell of seeds, fruits and meat (too,
I think), so I'm going to change it.
ray miller wrote:
Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:12 am
What black and white tiles!?
Obviously the ones from an earlier version that I've edited out.
(Apologies to MB on this topic) Clearly I'm in worse shape that I thought.

.

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Re: Kitchen, sink, drama

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Nov 10, 2018 11:40 am

.
Revised / Retitled
.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Macavity » Sat Nov 10, 2018 3:10 pm

hi NQS,

The new title is fine, but so was the old one.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm
.
.
The Clock Struck One


In the carpeted quiet......................would 'carpet quiet' be an option, the original opening had more immediacy/zip
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slowly descending.....................................slumbering downstairs was inventive
come snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)...................like the new format

It's faint to be sure
(with a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon..............................yes, better than wheel of moonlight
of fruity fragrance,................................sticky perhaps?
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum's hungry, 'want-eat'!.......prefered rumbly-hungry
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:.......................I understood/liked the bishop, a minority view I know

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


____________________________________________________



Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.
cheers

mac

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Nov 10, 2018 3:59 pm

.
Thanks for returning mac.

In the carpeted quiet
......................would 'carpet quiet' be an option, the original opening had more immediacy/zip
True, but I couldn't come up with a four line version of s1, and the new title strongly implies
'the mouse ran down' so there's, perhaps, a little zip here (?)
Would it be worth reinstating S2?

....

moon's climbing the treads
as slowly descending

.....................................slumbering downstairs was inventive
I liked it, but was persuaded that it was simply too ambiguous.
come snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)
...................like the new format
thanks, me too.

....

a beckoning beacon

..............................yes, better than wheel of moonlight
of fruity fragrance,
................................sticky perhaps?
there's the possibility of some unfortunate 'bodily fluid'
associations in this verse that I'm trying hard not to make,
and, frankly 'sticky' just doesn't help :)
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum's hungry, 'want-eat'!

.......preferred rumbly-hungry
Not too tongue-twistery after 'tonguely and dribbly'?
(Happy to restore as rumbly-hungry, 'want-eat'!).
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

.......................I understood/liked the bishop, a minority view I know
Yeah, but if I'm trying to pitch it as a kids poem, maybe it's asking a bit much?
(Black and white tiles may be a bit too old fashioned, but they fitted in with
the aspidistra of an earlier version).

Thanks for the feedback, most helpful.

Regards, Not.


.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by 68degrees » Sat Nov 10, 2018 4:13 pm

Not reading all the other critiques.

If your goal is children's nursery, it's working. Not sure what your old title was but I like this one b/c it also lends toward the nursery motif.

Not a big fan of different "sized" fonts. Seems like a trick-pony to me unless there are some kind of illustrations to go w/this.

Nice read. My foot is tapping along to the rhythm. All a good sign of sing/song poetry.

Enjoyed the read.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Nov 10, 2018 4:47 pm

.
Thanks to you and your foot 68.
Tapping is a good sign.

The original title was 'Kitchen, sink, drama',
but, as you say, the new one takes you more
directly to the 'nursery mofif'.

Sorry about the font, couldn't resist it.

Regards, Not.
.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Macavity » Sat Nov 10, 2018 5:23 pm

Yes, v1 or 2. The immediacy is important for your target audience.

cheers

mac

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by lotus » Sat Nov 10, 2018 7:11 pm

title suggestion


The Tick Of Tock



`
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Nov 11, 2018 11:46 am

Hi Not,

I'm impressed with V2, there's not a foot wrong on the meter to my ear and you've maintained the rapid anapestic pace (reminiscent of the night before Christmas or Dr Zeus).

The new title is a bit hackneyed for me and on second glance I think you can do without the bracketed bits at the end because I find them gimmicky and you lose the pace (I don't think mouse would be hanging about).

Do you know a good illustrator?

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 11, 2018 3:32 pm

.
Thanks again mac,
how's the start of version 3?


Thanks for the suggestion Lotus,
I'll have to think about that because,
for some reason, it struck me as
very ominous.


Hi Mirror.
Thanks for the read. Who doesn't aspire to the Great Seuss?

The new title is a bit hackneyed for me

- Right, but are you the target audience? :)
At the moment there's 'Struck', the original
or Lotus' suggestion. Any brighter ideas?

and on second glance I think you can do without the bracketed
bits at the end because I find them gimmicky and you lose the
pace (I don't think mouse would be hanging about).

- I've got it creeping and sneaking at this point (which shouldn't be
done at pace) plus I was thinking about the performative aspect
(building tension, hopefully).

Do you know a good illustrator?
I don't even know a bad illustrator.

Regards, Not.

PS. Should I replace 'twinkling' with 'silvery'?

.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Macavity » Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:08 pm

Just shuffling the pack...leaving out a card...

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:57 pm
.
v3
The Clock Struck One

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- with no sign of cats!

Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch!
Wait … Quick,

dash out by the sofa
darting 'cross the floor
skirting round the boards
to the living room's maw.

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
while slumbering down
come some snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon
of fruity fragrance,
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum-rumbly, 'want-eat'!
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


____________________________________________



The Clock Struck One


In the carpeted quiet
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slowly descending
come snores from the beds.

Shh!
......Watch,
...............wait,
.....................(sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(with a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon
of fruity fragrance,
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum's hungry, 'want-eat'!
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


____________________________________________________



Kitchen, sink, drama*


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
................................(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
...............Snap!


* (better titles happily accepted)
.

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Mirrorball » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:38 pm

Not, I figured I must be your target audience because this poem is pitched at the right level.

I'd stick with 'twinkling' and I'm less keen on the opening of V3.

You must know by now that I'm useless on titles. How about:
'A Tail with a Twist'?
'Betwitched'?
'Late Night Nibble'?
'Snatched'

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by bjondon » Mon Nov 12, 2018 5:55 pm

Isn't there a band called Parmesan Fug? . . . There certainly should be
The charm of this piece for me is the double frame i.e. it's in the style
of a vintage cartoon which itself is in the style of a bedtime story (
(the 'Snap!' at the end , the book closing . . .it would terrify kids first time round
but they would thrill in anticipation on each subsequent reading).
And there's this classic twinkley eyed Bob Hopey voiceover which
provides all this inventive language.

So that original 'snickety click' opening positions it perfectly (such a 50's phrase).
How about 'skirting round the skirting boards'?
'maw' doesn't really work . . . mice like the dark, it's a word under-5's would
struggle with and if read aloud sounds like 'more'.

'lead' - a bit fuzzy, maybe clarify with 'doggy'

'snores' - you have these brilliant mini animated flashes (the bats, the fridge)
this needs more characterization, so something like 'tripping and yawning' or 'sleepy dancing'.

I'm joining the pro-bishop faction - it gave the poem a certain distinction
and reading 'advance like a bishop' aloud you would lift your nose and
speak in a hoity toity voice . . .Your junior audience wouldn't quite inderstand
but you can guarantee they'd all be doing it int he playground next day.

Title? … thase old cartoons always had terrible punning titles so I'd just replace
the commas with exclamation marks in your original.
Regards, Jules

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Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

Post by Mirrorball » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:22 pm

bjondon wrote:
Mon Nov 12, 2018 5:55 pm
I'm joining the pro-bishop faction - it gave the poem a certain distinction
and reading 'advance like a bishop' aloud you would lift your nose and
speak in a hoity toity voice . . .Your junior audience wouldn't quite inderstand
but you can guarantee they'd all be doing it int he playground next day.
When I was a lad the word bishop meant something entirely different in the playground.

http://www.yourdictionary.com/bash-the-bishop

That was secondary school but kids get their education earlier these days.

I see this as a poem for an 8/9/10 year old. My 4 going on 5 year old would be unimpressed because there's no unicorn or Father Christmas. I think mice are out of fashion at the moment. You could write a poetry collection called Santa and the Unicorn and it'd be a best seller.

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